The process of change

[spryte]

I brought up in another thread what I think of as the "process of change" - it's a pattern that I've seen in my life over and over in regards to the journey of growth and change and I've always wondered if it was something that other people noticed as well.

For me, knowing this pattern, recognizing where I am in the process, and having faith in it working sometimes brings me a lot of comfort when the going gets tough.

It is only sort of a linear pattern. There are times when it can get all corkscrewy...but I find that if I do whatever Work needs to be done, seriously, then even the corkscrew continues moving forward. I'm going to use my journey with dissociation to try to illustrate the process.

Mindfulness is a huge important factor to this process. Starting in the Observation Stage, we have to cultivate mindfulness otherwise I don't think it works at all. Change cannot happen without paying close attention to ourselves, the situations around us and how they make us react.
It seems like mindfulness and dissociation would be almost mutually exclusive, but it was a balancing act of sorts...I think forcing myself to become more mindful was what eventually gave me control. There were lots of 2 steps forwards, 10 steps back.

There's the "unconscious" stage.

This is the stage where we are being ruled by unconscious behaviors.
I was emotionally numb, and didn't even know it. As time went on, it got worse. It barely even registered that I was rarely leaving my house other than to go to work, that I was playing more and more video games, watching more and more tv, and spending more and more time online.

There's the "hmmm...something's going on here" stage.

Where we realize there may be a problem, but we're not sure exactly what it is, so we start looking around for possible causes.
This came for me when I entered a new relationship. Talking with my new partner, it became apparent that a lot of the issues (losing my last job, how fast my old relationship went downhill, my declining health because I wasn't taking care of myself) were stemming from just how emotionally checked out I was. In addition, the shock of being with someone who was incredibly PRESENT, paired with several unfortunate visits with family sent me into several pretty severe "dissociative" episodes (technically, it's called depersonalization). All of that "woke me up" to the fact that something was very wrong.

This could be anything though. It could be waking up to the fact that you keep finding yourself in a pattern of bad relationships. It's basically recognizing a pattern of unhealthy behavior. Maybe you can't keep friendships for long, or a job for long, or emotional eating, or...you get the idea.

There's the observation stage.

Now that I knew what was wrong, I became much more mindful of the behaviors. How I acted when I was "disconnected". It wasn't a constant thing. Talking with my partner, in addition to some other private therapies that we did to "reconnect" me, were successful in bringing me back into the present but I had no real control over what would "flip the switch" again. I still had no idea how to set boundaries in my relationship so there were times when I'd let something go, not thinking that it was any big deal, and find myself numbed out and dissociative weeks later, not realizing how I got there or why. It took me a long time to become mindful enough of how things made me feel to be able to start seeing it as it was happening. (Even then, it wasn't that I knew how I *felt* I was just learning my "red flags" enough to know...Ok, X is causing a dissociative reaction, I'm obviously having feelings about it that I don't recognize...um...lets talk about this.)

I watched that switch flip back and forth for a long long time before I had any control over it.

There's the first baby steps of change stage.

The observation stage is like your data collecting stage. "Oh look. I'm doing that thing again. Hmm...what is it about this situation that might be triggering that behavior? What were the consequences of that behavior? What could I have done differently?" All of that happens without really being able to change any of it. Being aware that we're doing something that we don't want to be doing any more can make you feel really helpless and frustrated. That's how it made me feel. Dissociation is not generally a healthy thing for your relationship and it hurt my partner a lot. I couldn't be affectionate with him, I couldn't communicate well - it was like I was there...but not there and I know that it made him feel really alone.

But, once you've done your "due diligence" and gathered enough data, you can start to make changes.
Some of my red flags remained unconscious for quite a while. At first, all I could do was actually notice WHEN the switch flipped. I'd realize, "Oh crap, I'm checked out." and we'd chat. Paying closer and closer attention to red flags, and trigger situations. It took me a long time to be able to actually come up with a list of red flags to give my partner to help me keep an eye on it. At first, I couldn't head it off...I could only speak up and say..."Help".

Change happened slowly. And I got to the point where maybe 10% of the time I noticed when it happened.
Then, 10% of the time, I was noticing it BEFORE it happened, and I was able to head it off. But 90% of the time I still had no control. Still wasn't even conscious of it happening. Didn't notice the red flags, had a really hard time coming out of it.
Then, 30% of the time, I was noticing it before it happened. But 60% of the time, I still had no control. Maybe 30% of the time I was conscious of it, but still had no control, and still had a hard time coming back.

The "Hey! I sort of have control over this!" stage.

It got to the point that it was only happening with really major stuff. 85% of the time I actually had control over it. I could "choose" whether to have feelings about a situation or not. (which was a double edged sword in and of itself. Do I choose to numb out? I know I can...all I have to do is flip that switch! Or feel these stupid feelings? Feeling feelings is healthier? Ok FINE, I'll feel the stupid feelings!~~*grumble* stupid feelingsgrumble*)

The "maintenance" stage

You do have control, you just have to remain vigilant. For a long time, I had to remain really vigilant about situations that I knew would trigger my dissociation. For me, one really big trigger was not talking about what was bothering me. Really, this entire process was about learning when I was having feelings about something, learning HOW to have feelings about things, and how to speak up about them. Because stuffing feelings had become such second nature to me that it had become an unconscious process. Once they were stuffed, I went numb to continue not feeling. So, in the context of my relationship I learned how to 1.notice that I was having feelings about things 2. speak up about them. It was when I let things go that I would check out the most. (learning how to speak up about things that were bothering me was a journey within this journey)

*minor note...this relationship didn't end well for other reasons, but I think this is why he and I were together in the first place so that he could help me through this.

The "healed" stage

I don't have to be hyper-vigilant about this any more. I still numb out with really intense emotion...strangely both joy and bad feelings. It's like my circuit board gets overwhelmed and a fuse pops. But, it doesn't ever stay that way. If I give myself a break from whatever the situation is, my feelings slowly come back online after just a little while. And for as much as I am still struggling with escapist behaviors...I don't feel "disconnected" from the world the way that I used to. Dissociation is intense. Like...before, the world looked like a washed out watercolor. I might check out for a while with tv, or a book, but when I am in the world now, I am IN the world. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to handle emotions the way that other people do. I tend to feel things really intensely I've learned. I'm still on a journey to learn how to manage these feelings, now that I have them.


This was a really vague version of what all went on during that time. This entire process took almost 4 years. There was a lot of back and forth, there were a lot of failures, there was a lot of me struggling with this. But...it did get better. And I've seen this process at work in many other things that I've been successful in changing. Co-dependency issues. Boundary setting issues. Making health changes. (At the moment, I've taken a huge step backwards and am sitting somewhere in the Observation stage of my health changes)

Change and healing is hard. When healing means changing behaviors, it's especially hard. But, as I said, I've seen this pattern happen over and over again...maybe others have noticed it, or will notice it if they look for it.  Like I said, knowing where I am in the change process is sometimes very comforting. To be able to say...Hey! 6 months ago, or last year, I was in the Observation stage with this...and now, I'm able to make the healthier choice about 20% of the time...that's progress! can be really helpful when I'm really still struggling with something and am unable to make bigger, faster changes. I know that the process is working, and that in time, I'll get there.

Have any of you noticed anything similar?

[schrödinger's cat]

Hm... yes. It's also how people learn languages. The "passive" ability comes first, way before any active language skills. So first you learn to recognize a word when you read it, then when it's said slowly and distinctly, and then over time you begin to use it yourself. So it's interesting that the recovery process should be like that, too. Logical, though. Seeing it this way makes it less alarming that I'm not noticing EVERY last EF now while it's happening. I learned Russian, I'll learn EFs too.

My process is often jump-started by a piece of information that's been missing. As long as I'm working with false assumptions, it doesn't matter how much data I'm gathering, it won't ever help me make progress. In my case, the missing link was that I didn't actually cause my own CPTSD. Other people caused it. Learning about emotional abuse, and learning that it CAN cause CPTSD all on its own, was life-changing. It was the last piece of the puzzle snapping into place.

[Rain]

Well said, Cat.

I thought Pete Walker did a fabulous job of detailing that emotion abuse /  emotional neglect causes CPTSD all in itself, in his CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving book.   Even better, was Pete detailing that the core, the very core is emotional abuse.

The invisible scars of emotional abuse, and emotional neglect.    If there were an x-ray machine so we could see the wounds of emotional abuse, we would be shocked we were still walking!!

Breaking denial is the hardest part, the hardest challenge for me.

[schrödinger's cat]

I thought about this on my walk back from town. Result is as follows.

This is a very helpful way of looking at things. It may help keep us from being overwhelmed. It's so tempting to look at things in a very binary way:

SITUATION AS IS:       (<-- CPTSD)

SITUATION AS SHOULD BE:       (<--- full recovery)

...and the sheer difference between those two states? Yikes. How am I ever going to manage that?!

Your model points out that change is gradual. You define a few milestones we can recognize and celebrate. I'm slowly beginning to notice that something's amiss? Great! That's the first step. I'm noticing EFs after they're over? Bit annoying, of course, but still - congratulations, I get to pat myself on the back, I now officially have a passive knowledge of EFs, which (as we now know) is a vital step towards learning to notice EFs while they're happening or even before.

So this might help us not overburden ourselves. This isn't about leaping from stage two to full recovery in one single bound. Sometimes, the work consists in nudging ourselves one step forwards. Keeping your model of gradual change in mind might help us relax, and that might help us listen to our inner voice if it prompts us to slow down a bit or let some things settle.

[spryte]

I'm so very glad that this makes sense to you guys and is helpful! Lol.

It got so long, I thought it was just too much meandering.

Cat, you're exactly right about languages...I haven't learned one myself, but I know how the process works. Maybe it's more a process of learning? I don't know. I do know that I have seen this process at work in many different situations in my life. Also, I can't tell you how many times I've found myself in the thick of it, absolutely freaking out, and I'll run smack into something that highlights what stage I'm in and I'm like..."Ooooooooooh." I've been meaning to write about this forever just to keep it forefront in my mind. It is SOOOO easy to forget!

It's funny, I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love and the author of the book, Elizabeth Gilbert goes to Italy to learn Italian. She says at one point that she wishes that Italian would just, take up residence in her, that she wishes that she could just speak Italian. Then one day, a guy on a train hits on her, and she is having a conversation with him and realizes...She's speaking Italian! She's not translating things in her head, she's just...speaking it!

I've had that moment with lots of things. I know I had that moment with the dissociation...like, "Wow! When was the last time that I saw any symptoms of my dissociation?"

"Your model points out that change is gradual. You define a few milestones we can recognize and celebrate. I'm slowly beginning to notice that something's amiss? Great! That's the first step. I'm noticing EFs after they're over? Bit annoying, of course, but still - congratulations, I get to pat myself on the back, I now officially have a passive knowledge of EFs, which (as we now know) is a vital step towards learning to notice "

Exactly. Exactly.

Things WILL get better. We will NOT be stuck in these horrible places forever, although it SEEMS like forever. As long as we FACE this stuff, we will shed more and more light on it, and darkness cannot live where the light is.

Rain - It bothers me more than I can articulate that emotional abuse is such a discounted phenomenon in our world. Perhaps at some point, I'll talk about how it destroyed my family this summer, but suffice it to say for now that I have not one but TWO super villians in my family...BPD mother's, (mine and my Aunt - wives of twins - which is super interesting) who have wreaked havoc and destruction on five children and two husbands for decades. And...no one can stop them. There's nothing they can do. And either because there's nothing that anyone can do, or because people just don't want to see, they turn their heads and then when tragedy strikes everyone's all..."I had no idea it was this bad!"

smh

We all need hugs. The whole freaking world full of adult victims of child abuse needs hugs.



bheart - you're so very welcome. I will share as much of my journey as I can here for that very reason - because part of my healing process is believing that there has to be some good that comes out of this. If I can help others...I will. And that's it...there are people who are just beginning their journey, and I wanted a way to say..."Look! You truly are at the beginning! It's the first and hardest step! It will get better, I promise!"

<3

[Kizzie]

Great description of the stages Spryte and I think you're right that's it's not a straightforward, linear process.  There's bound to be lots of overlap and back and forth and maybe even starting over when certain issues come up.  In general though we do progress forward and it's really worthwhlle as you point out in your "Levelling Up" thread, to recognize that we are moving forward.  As you write:


Things WILL get better. We will NOT be stuck in these horrible places forever, although it SEEMS like forever. As long as we FACE this stuff, we will shed more and more light on it, and darkness cannot live where the light is.

[globetrotter]

But I want it and I want it NOW!!! *stomping feet* Sigghhh....

[spryte]

globetrotter - Meeeee toooooo!

I'm not sure what's harder sometimes, dealing with the discomfort of going through all of this stuff, or fighting myself trying to cultivate "patience" when it comes to the process. I push myself. Sometimes to overwhelm. I'm working hard not to do that this time.

I read somewhere recently too that that desire to get to the other side can be part of the desire to escape, which is true for me just as much as it is also true that I am just freaking anxious to get on with my life.

[schrödinger's cat]

Globetrotter: ooooh, I can sympathize. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

[globetrotter]

Sorry - Inner Child had a wild hair...

I am learning a lot and gaining a ton of awareness.
Measurable progress  - questionable.
But what better investment than myself?
I shall persevere...

Do ya'll set obtainable goals for myself? Spryte, it sounds like you do.

I am exploring but sometimes wonder HOW to go about what I'm trying to achieve. I have 20,000 foot goals (trust, connection with others, quit numbing out) all of which sound very nice,  but need to chunk it down. Perhaps it's time to spend some time thinking about this - how do I achieve these things.

I've been thinking about TRUST a lot lately. How does one learn to trust??? I have a lot of good people in my life who I know (at a certain level) would never hurt me. Does that make me wake up believing it every day? NO.

[spryte]

And sometimes we need to let our inner children express their frustration!

My "goals" have been, up until recently, very vague. Just a list of things similar to yours that I'm just always "working on". For me, "working on it" meant trying to be more mindful in those specific situations. It's always hit or miss, and not chunking it down, or making specific goals for these things is probably why it's taken me so gosh darn long to notice measurable improvement with any of them. This process that I was talking about is how change has happened for me without putting a lot of conscious effort into it. It's like...here's the natural path these things have taken once I realized "Houston we have a problem".

Like with my co-dependency stuff. I read a book, I saw how much of it applied to me, and I just took note of the list of co-dependent behaviors in my head and started noticing when I did them, noticing other people around me doing them, and slowly tried to change my behavior. That took a LOOOONG time. And, I've had to go back and re-learn stuff. And, it took one very avoidant flighty boy that I was head over heels in love with to teach me how to stand on my own two feet emotionally and not be so addicted to him before he and I could have a good, healthy relationship (and in turn, I taught him how to not be so avoidant, so that worked out well).

I've been working on some of this stuff for years, and I'm just now able to see HUGE returns on that work like,

*me standing up for myself on a more frequent basis
*being able to interact with SOME family without fear that I won't be able to set boundaries for myself, or protect myself against their crappy behavior
*An incredibly emotionally healthy relationship that doesn't include the "losing myself in him", "fixing", "helpful manipulation", or "controlling" that most of my old relationships contained (um...all of those were my behaviors not theirs)
*my inner critic is being much quieter
*conversations with myself are much kinder, more productive, and there is more creative problem solving
*I can actually not feel like a liar when I say to myself, "I love you"

Trust is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately too. I've been working on creating a trust relationship with myself.

I'm not sure about a step by step...but the one thing that I DO know about trust, from working with my boyfriend, is that the most important thing seems to be "consistency" and "repetitiveness". You have to find a way for you to be able to put yourself in a situation that would require trusting someone...for example, (and I don't know what your trust issues involve, so I'm just using this as a simple example)

Maybe you don't trust others not to be judgmental, or upset if you were to be yourself in a social setting. So, with the person you have the most faith in not to hurt you, maybe you push yourself to state a small opinion about something. Your person doesn't react. They're like, "Oh, well, we disagree." or "Hmm, you might have a point." So, there you have tiny little situation 1 where you did something you were scared to do, and Nothing Terrible Happened. Do you wake up tomorrow feeling like you have trust the next day? Nope. But, if you have 100 times where you've done that. And then maybe you have 100 times where you make yourself vulnerable in a slightly bigger way in a social situation, and then another 100 times in a bigger way...until you've worked up the courage to maybe challenge someone in a social situation and Nothing Terrible Happens...if you take note of each of those times (or a great majority of those times) and how your confidence in those situations is growing, you are building trust. Eventually, you get to a point (because maybe at the same time, you've been doing the same thing with setting boundaries for yourself, so you have at the same time been building a trust in yourself to protect yourself IF someone says something hurtful to you) you get to a point where you don't even have to think about it any more.

But, it has to be consistent. It has to be with people you trust. You can't learn how to trust people with untrustworthy people. I have worked hard to surround myself with people whom I don't have to second guess, ever. I can trust them with my life, I can trust them with my money. Even though it's still hard for me to make myself do it, if I COULD make myself vulnerable enough to completely be myself with them, I know I could trust that they'd treat me with compassion and respect.

Put another way? My boyfriend couldn't trust that I wasn't going to freak out on him for watching porn (like an ex of his did) until, as time went on, he saw that every single time the topic of porn came up, that I was supportive of it, of him watching it, of it being a natural thing and nothing to be ashamed of. And even THEN the first time he approached me about watching it, he was nervous, until he saw that I wasn't freaking out about it. You have to experience whatever it is over and over again, because trust isn't automatic, it's built, situation by situation.

And, because of that...it requires some kind of active participation on your part. You can't just sit back and say, "Well...I'm not going to do X until I wake up one day trusting people." because that's not going to happen.

[globetrotter]

I appreciate you taking the time to respond, Spryte.
Trust is the final frontier for me, I think.
I understand what you are saying, it is kind of like making a new friend...you share a bit, test the waters, share a bit more, keep going if they aren't rude/mean/insensitive. (Try not to feel mortally crushed if they are.)

I've been with my partner for 19+ years and I still have trust issues - not that she will cheat, or leave me, or intentionally hurt me. It's a symptom that runs very deep. She claims I hold people at arms length, and her a bit closer than that. If I can't trust her, who can I trust? Ssheesh...we've just started to have chats about it as this bubbles up for my consideration.  I am learning a lot about my behavior from her observations, from the eye of the outsider.

To be continued.......

[spryte]

I think this would be good topic to move to another thread.