My Story (Triggers)

[nvrquit42]

This is a venting of the story to try to get it to stop rattling around my brain as much as it is an introduction.

My childhood consisted of emotionally abusive parents and a sexually abusive neighbor. From there, I spiraled into drinking, abusive relationships, endured sexual assault, rape and ended up in a bad marriage. I was married for 7 years, had 3 daughters and finally got the courage to leave when he threatened to kill me.

I thought that would be the beginning of the healing, but it wasn't to be. I became involved in a more abusive relationship with a man who was bipolar and an alcoholic and hadn't entered treatment for either yet. That relationship was physically and emotionally abusive. I drowned my sorrows in alcohol, which of course, only made everything worse. A few years of that, complete with self-harm and suicidal thoughts and I finally woke up. I moved to get myself away from the negative influences and constant triggers.

I thought I could get through on my own. I made slow progress over a few years, but was still drinking too much and still living in a state of high stress and putting myself in dangerous situations.

My breaking point was when my apartment flooded. It sounds silly after all I had been through, but my home was my safe place, where nothing bad could happen. When it flooded and two rooms and furniture and possessions were destroyed, it was no longer my safe place. I had what can only be called a nervous breakdown. Every bad memory came back, every flashback, every feeling of hopelessness, worthlessness, shame...the works. I finally went to therapy.

Four years of therapy later, I was in a good place. I still suffered with social anxiety, but it was minor and improving. Then this year happened. My best friend of 25+ years, the one who helped me through it all passed away unexpectedly. He was really my only close friend, I'm still very slow to trust and open up to people.

Then, my ex, who even though we've managed for 10+ years to work out child visitation out of state decided it was time to revert to his bullying, crazy ways. We only have one daughter who is still a minor and he decided that even though he hadn't mentioned summer visitation (he didn't want visitation last year) that it was his right and he was going to show up this weekend and just take her with only a few days notice. He was bullying, cruel and while he didn't out right threaten violence, he was threatening. I got a lawyer, talked with the police, but I was terrified. Debilitating panic attacks ensued. I had to call my doctor and increase my anxiety medication and still was in almost a constant state of panic. Flashbacks returned with a vengeance. When I divorced him, I had to stay in the house for 4 weeks until I had the money and means to move out. During that time, it was after he threatened to kill me, when he was home I stayed locked in a room with a separate phone line. He had disconnected the house line previously, I had to have the second line installed so I could call the police if he got out of control again. He would bang on the door, yelling and screaming at me. I would huddle in a corner, sometimes on the phone with my best friend just to get through. (The kids, while it wasn't a good situation were not in danger, his anger was all at me.) So when he threatened to just show up and take our daughter, my house was no longer my safe place. Even after all these years and he's been remarried more than once, he has a massive amount of hatred for me and serious anger issues.

Even though the immediate danger has passed, we worked out a solution so he wouldn't just show up. It wasn't a great solution, but I was working for immediate safety and what was best for my daughter. The courts won't ever take away his parental right because while he may yell and scream and be emotionally abusive, that's not enough for a court to do anything. My daughter is going to try to get him to go to family therapy with her. I do trust his current wife to keep her safe. But my flashbacks continue, even though this crisis has passed. I haven't felt this much panic since I was living with him, waiting to move out, locked in that room, terrified that this time he was going to break the door down and actually follow through with his threat to kill me. I know the flashbacks made me more afraid of him showing up at my house than I needed to be most likely, but I hadn't seen this much anger from him in a long time.

I thought I was past this type of flashback and this level of panic. Of course my therapist is on vacation, my best friend has passed away and I have no one to help me through this insanity. I'm taking it one day at a time, one minute at a time. I'm doing meditation, writing in a journal, relaxing with a good book, trying to focus on work, everything I've learned to cope but I feel my coping skills have deserted me. And that's why I'm here.  My family doesn't understand, close friends will take time to develop, I'm just alone right now.

Thanks for reading! In reading other posts, I feel I've found a place where people can understand what I'm going through.

[VeryFoggy]

Nverquit - Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and we are pleased and honored to have you. I am so, so sorry about what you are going through.  Sad for your loss of your dear friend, and your safe place, and so sorry you being tormented by your old abuser.

You don't deserve to be treated that way.  I hope you soon find a way to either reclaim your  former feeling of safety, or find a new place that will feel safe for you.  I know from personal experience how very, very important that having that safe place to be is for us who suffer from CPTSD.

I also hope for you that if you are not currently in therapy that you will find someone caring and compassionate to talk to and to assist you. Either a new friend or a perhaps a therapist.  For me personally having that very caring and compassionate person in my life literally makes the difference.  And right now it is my therapist.  She is really the only person I have left in my life to talk to about this stuff.  And this forum.  And it so helpful.

Please look around and I am so glad you are already seeing hope and comfort in the posts you are reading.  And I wish the same for you.  Welcome!

[nvrquit42]

That you for the reply, VeryFoggy. I am currently in therapy, with a great therapist that has helped me come so far. Of course, during this set back, she happens to be on vacation. Next week, I'll get back to therapy and we'll begin putting me back together again.

I'm so relieved to have found this forum. Reading others' stories helps tremendously. I feel less alone and glad there are others who can understand what I go through.

Thanks for the welcome!

[nvrquit42]

BeHea1thy, I couldn't respond for a while, but I wanted to thank you. Your post made me cry. I was struggling so much when I posted on here and your post helped me tremendously. The simple validation of the good things I was doing helped me keep doing them, give myself some credit for them and keep on doing them with a more positive attitude that I could and would get through.

Thank you for the reminders of the good I was doing for myself, providing even more options that kicked my brain in gear to help me find more things and remind me that there are people out there who care and understand. Just wanted you to know the extremely positive results your post had.