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[ltlgrv]

Hi there,

If you had asked me last month if I suffered from any form of PTSD let alone CPSTD, I would have responded with a definitive no. I have never experienced visual flashbacks and in my head, while my childhood was difficult it wasn't horrible. It was nothing like some of the horrific child abuse stories that we hear so often today. Then, last week my very wise and caring therapist suggested that I check out the complex PTSD website. When I checked out the website and started reading about CPTSD, I thought "oh my gosh" this is me. Especially, the emotional flashbacks. In the past when I would have these flashbacks, it was hard for me to put into words what they felt like but they always made me feel like a little kid. To finally have a name for them is such a relief to me. I am just starting to learn more about CPSTD and I am so grateful that your website exists to provide support and a safe place for folks to share their experiences.

Sincerely,
Ltlgrv

[VeryFoggy]

Ltlgrv - So glad you found us here!  It's kind of amazing when we read something and CPTSD and it resonates and we finally understand what has been plaguing us all of these years.  But that is wonderful news as now you know what is wrong you can start working on  it.  There are a number of resources on this website, that I am sure you will find helpful as you begin to explore your recovery.

[ltlgrv]

Very Foggy,

Thanks you for your reply. I am looking forward to researching your website and soaking up as much information as possible and obtaining the tools to help me recover. Like you said, now that I know what is wrong, I can begin the recovery process. While I have a very strong support network, my biggest challenge right now is trying to fill the void that comes with the emotional flashbacks. I have ordered Pete Walkers book "CPSTD:From Surviving to Thriving" but I would appreciate any additional recommendations.
Thanks for listening,
Ltlgrv

[VeryFoggy]

ltlgrv - The way I found my way through this maze is that at first all I knew is certain people triggered me and sent me into a place of pain and terror and hurt me deeply.  This had been going on for 40 some years, since I left home at age 16. It was specifically my father and siblings that could induce these feelings of terror despair and pain.  There were very few other people in my life who did it.

So I started looking into what could be wrong with them.  I studied and researched and studied and researched and nailed it down to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Then I learned as much as I possibly could about that Disorder.

Then, I had to accept and mourn and grieve that I would never have the relationship with these family members that I had dreamed about. It was not ever going to happen.  Their illness is untreatable and incurable.  It took many, many months of searching and reading.  Finally I began to feel.  All sorts of feelings, but mainly anger.  Burning hot volcanic anger for what was done to me as a child and what I had been cheated out of and would never have.  I was never going to have a loving supportive family.  Never.

As I studied and learned I began to have a lot of memories of how the damage to me was done.  So I started going back in my mind and loving myself and giving myself the love I had been cheated of and was never going to get from my sick family.  This helped tremendously, learning to love myself.

Then I found Pete Walker's book. Which was also tremendously helpful. Other books I have read that I found helpful were about abusive people and how to deal with abusive people.  Also I learned about anger being a good feeling and something given to us as a guide to know when we are being mistreated. Respect Me Rules was a good one, Controlling People  was a good one.  Why Does He Do That? was excellent. And boundaries, how to set boundaries. A good starting point was Boundaries When To Say Yes, How To Say No.  But the other books I have listed were more actually helpful with boundary setting.

Then I discovered that almost every relationship in my life was set up in this same dance, this impossible dance where I tried to please to get people to like me and care about me and no one I was trying to be close to was capable. All were abusive towards me and exhibited the same signs of illness.  They were incapable of giving what I needed.  So I had to end those relationships too. It was excruciating.

Then I finally began therapy and luckily found a wonderful therapist who gives me the love I never had and who supports me 110%. 

So I am starting over, starting a new life.

[ltlgrv]

Very Foggy,

Thank you again for your genuine and honest response. It is really helping to validate what I have been feeling for so long. Like I said my childhood was difficult but I always felt weak for wanting the things that I missed out on in my childhood. Anytime I would feel the desire for love or a hug, my inner voice would tell me to suck it up and get over it because things could have been much worse. I understand that I need to learn to love myself but some times I feel resentful and cheated. Why couldn't my parents have done this for me? I also hate the pain the comes with it. Anyway I am working on it with a very supportive and caring therapist. Thank you also for the book recommendations.
Sincerely,
Ltlgrv