New here

[lauren1971]

Hi everyone.  Im not quite sure how or where to begin because theres SO MUCH stuff.  Ive been told by 2 therapists, years ago, that I had PTSD.  Ok.  Honestly, Ive accepted that diagnosis, however, I have never been in the military or anything of the like. With that being said, I could never relate my life to others suffering from PTSD, until I read up on C-PTSD. For the past 2 years, and especially now, I have been asking myself frequently throughout the day, Whats erong with me? Why can I not get myself together. I have been to therapists over the years, and Ive never had any benefit from them. I know my current situation would leave anyone feeling blue.  I feel completely misunderstood. No one tells me anything nice. Now I sound like a head case ninny that feels sorry for myself. I want to cry, but I feel its wrong to and it shows that Im weak. Does any of this sound familiar? I am not a Dr. to diagnose myself. But if I could label it, maybe that can give me direction.  Thanks for listening. Again, I looked back on this and havent said any specifics about myself. When I do, I get angry or I cry. I will sum up. Abusive childhood. Divorced parents. Married and divorced twice. Abusive ex husbands. 2nd was worse. 3 kids. My 23 year old is heroin addict. For years . Shes been in rehab when she was 16. I drove 1800 to go get her last year, to drag her home to get help. My ex husband tried to take my other child away from me, this is the one who tried to kill me one time. He served a little jail time with that. But he is very weathy and can afford expensive attorneys and I can not. And in the justice system, its not what is right it is who has better attorney.  And my father, after all these years, he lived with me for the past 7, diagnosed with Alzheimer's and is living in nursing home, this is after my sister, who helped out in no way for past 7 years, stepped in and took him from my home, because she felt i was taking advantage of him. These events have all occurred basically at same time within last year. Im not even toyc
touching on the drama of years before that.

Basi

[lauren1971]

Thank you so much for replying in such an uplifting way. Im not working now, though Im looking. Im feeling a little under the weather today. Today, I laid in bed and cried on and off....all day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[VeryFoggy]

Lauren1971 - Welcome! It's a tough diagnosis. PTSD or CPTSD.  But eventually with time you will figure out that YOU are not your diagnosis.  I have come to see it as a friend. Not some dire catastrophe of my life. I view it as a friend because even though mine is much too loud? It is never wrong. When I feel those horrible feelings?  It is because someone is being horrible to me.

When it happens, you are reminded of other traumas that have happened to you.  You may not remember them but your body and your subconscious and your brain remembers.  It's simply an early warning system on overload.

You want to cry because you need to cry, for yourself.  The one nobody ever cried for before. Who deserved to be cried for. You are trying to be so tough and so strong in the face of horrific struggles. Somebody does need to feel sorry for you. For once. 

Your story resonates with me.  I have lost children to an ex, been beaten down by siblings, and have a parent losing her mind. I think due to abuse from a Narcissist.

We will listen and we will care, and we are glad you are here.

[lauren1971]

Wow. Now that made me feel validated. I just briefly touched on what is happening now in my life and left out important other issues that are just as rough.  I feel like my life is a train wreck and I cannot get out of my own way.  Crying does not help, but that is all I can do.  Im not sure if Im posting this the  correct way in here. I cant believe that here online, two strangers made me feel  a bit better and no onein my life does. It is very difficult for me to comprehens that I am a good person. I am generous. Would help someone in anyway I was able, and love unconditionally. I need to know why, after all these years of some type a crisis after another,ive been strong and survived and now I am falling to pieces and cant even remember the person from 5 years ago? 10 years ago? What the * has happened to me?

[VeryFoggy]

lauren1971 - You ask why now after all you have survived why are you falling apart now.  Something to think about is there is a limit to how much a human being can endure. And if you relate to the role many of us here relate to which is Scapegoat, you try to fix everything for everyone, while constantly being blamed and attacked.  Eventually your brain cannot take anymore and it simply rebels and says No More! But it is exactly through this surrender, this admitting we are not all powerful and cannot control everything that we learn and grow.  So though it is a horrible thing to go through?  It is the first step out of the maze towards recovery. We break and admit our inability and then open our minds to learn and grow.  I hope this will help you.