Introduction

[Dick]

Hi, My name is *.  61 year old male

After looking at the responses of C-PTSD I believe that this is some of what I am experiencing.  I've had therapy for 10 years for PTSD from an assault I was the victim of in grade 7.  That therapy (EMDR) worked very well for me and I've not had a flashback in almost 3 years.

What is happening right now is significantly different from that.   As I went through the C-PTSD profile of reactions, I saw myself and what is going on right now.  I grew up in a home with a parent that had narcissistic personality disorder and OCD - both were denied, un-medicated and un-mitigated.  Now at 85 the care facility is requiring medication.

My long term therapist has taken work with a University and can no longer meet with public clients.  Tomorrow I go to a new therapist with a good reputation of working with trauma clients.  I'm a bit on edge - the emotional pressure is building and I'm really hoping that the new therapist will not just talk and assess, but that we will be able to do some work or at least set some 'next steps' to relieve the pressure. 

I have to say that it's both weird and comforting to see PTSD framed in two such different profiles of reactions.  All the stuff that works for me with the ptsd like emdr and mindfullness were not really working so well with what I think is c-ptsd.  I'm impatient to get to the work and get some results. I'ts also weird for me to be aware of the 'drifting' pieces like compulsive thoughts, to be able to go "wow that's a compulsive thought" at the same time as the thought is going through my mind.   A new experience for me

I have been feeling the isolation and the feeling of drawing back from people, and have hopes of this support group being able to not only give me tips and hints but also offer a way to stay connected with people who know what's going on with me and provide some views of hope.

[Kubali]

Hello *

Just a thought. The impatience thing. Have you checked out the " hurry up" driver using the TA model?

My mother has NPD and the instant success thing was her way of keeping everyone in failure mode. Sometimes I think I absorbed this programming. When I'm under pressure I try to remember this may be a driver.

May be nothing. May be something

Kubali

[Ferzak]

Hello * and Welcome,

I second that BeHea1thy-thank you for introducing yourself and your well written introduction.   You have worked hard and come a long way and hopefully you can give yourself a lot of credit for that. 

If this next leg of your healing journey doesn't go as quickly as you would like, don't get discouraged. Kubali has a great point about the "hurry up" program being part of CPTSD.  CPTSD can be tough to uproot because is insidious. Many of it's programs were installed in our first years of life and effect the way we perceive ourselves and the world.  As BeHea1thy stated, many of us also had narcissistic parents with the result that we learned to question our perceptions of reality.  We learned to see ourselves as too needy, negative, demanding, etc. for seeing things clearly or for wanting what any kid or human wanted and needed.  My dad used to call me a "kill joy" and an "alarmist" for pointing out the craziness of many of his actions. My most basic needs expressed were labeled "selfish" and mean for making my poor parents feel badly. I, like many of us, beat myself up for wanting anything and for feeling anything other than "positive" feelings. And in the past 30 or so years, we have what I call "New Age Shame" which can support our denying our feelings and needs. 

The fact that you can separate yourself from your thoughts is huge and is the key to healing CPTSD (or any issue, really).  Just remember that whenever you are feeling that deep sense of aloneness or panic or despair, look at what you are telling yourself....look at your thoughts.  They may not necessarily be obsessive but they are most likely overly critical and catastrophic.   I have found Peter Walker's article "Emotional Flashback Management" very helpful.  He gives a list of concrete tools that you can use when in the midst of an EF.  You can find him on the internet and there are many articles you can read for free.  I have both of his books they are excellent.

This is a lonely path in some ways.  Very few people want to go as deeply into themselves as we with CPTSD want and need to in order to be happy and healthy.  Most people run for the hills when and if you share any aspect of your recovery or internal struggles.  Most people throw you in the category of "negative" or "complainer" if you try to vent in an effort to let go and heal.  But we on this site are on the road with you!!  And we do live in the world, although scattered.  The great news is, that those of us on this path, and anyone on a path to true self discovery, those of us who have struggled and have worked hard, are pretty cool people and can be a lot of fun to be around!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi * I can relate to what u are saying ..
I started to work with a child trauma specialist and we have done some great work together - she has used a multi approach and it has been able finding ways to function better and relieve pressure -
Both psychologically - inherent held beliefs about myself - relating to others - my thinking and also behaviour changing - all in the context of a secure relationship with her and being validated adult to adult -
I def believe we need the right support to make changes - people who really understand and have tools to work with c PTSD
I too had been isolating a lot and have found through the therapy that I could start engaging in life again
Yes when the thinking can be seen more objectively it is very freeing -
Wish u all the best on the next phase in your treatment