No social life due to triggers

[Indigochild]

Does anyone else find going out and socialising hard?

There are many triggers for me- i find people triggering.
Thats a problem, as a lot of life is coming into contact with others.

I have a lot of deep wounds i suspect, about the visual impairment i have. A lot of my friends are blind and expect me to be able to see stuff all the time. They don't allow for the fact i struggle as well.
It was like this in my family.
My mum had a huge problem with me being VI, probably (and I'm not sure the full story yet) because she felt so worthless already, and felt that it was her fault she produced a child with a problem.

I find it triggering with others and pressuring.  I feel i cant include this and it just be ok like it with everyone else, as people just don't want to accept it.  I lied about it for a long time just to get by, but my partner tore that up for me and made me realise what i was doing.
So now, lying, pretending, is triggering, and being misunderstood even if i am honest is triggering. Peoples expectations before ive even opened my mouth is triggering.

Helping others too as they expect it, makes me feel used and invisible.

People talking over me is triggering. Quite a lot is triggering.

I have been avoiding social stuff for a long time now.
We have a friends birthday to go to this weekend, which is past London, so would involve getting the tube etc. and I'm not looking forward to it.
I find being somewhere that is not home stressful...uncomfortuble and i have no idea why. Not sure if its only to do with feeling trapped. Sometimes i feel trapped at home in my own house- just, not safe.

I worry that i wont be able to just escape and get out if I'm at someone else house, even if that house is very close to home....and i worry that ill be trapped in my own house with people if people come over here, as i can go upstairs, but i cant escape and everyone would know i have left the social situation.
Whatever way, i feel trapped and as though i cant just say right I'm leaving now...if things get too much.

If i do go to something, or feel i *should* i have in the past..this is embarrassing..but i have drank before hand, and if i could, during...to avoid the pain. Everything is so painful. If I'm numbed out, i don't feel it as much.
Sometimes i feel literally so angry, but also in pain.

Does anyone know if there is anything i can do to be able to function?
To make the pain not so bad?
I feel like a failure if i don't go to things, but when i do, and I'm triggered, i wondered why on earth i went in the first place and vow to myself to never do it again.
I know its here for a reason so to diminish it or squash it isn't what it needs.

Just not sure what the best thing is to do, as ive not dealt with the pain from the past that crops up in daily life.
Do you think i should take time out for myself, even if i am bored sometimes? My life is in limbo (just started therapy), so i feel i wont be able to do anything or enjoy social stuff till ive dealt with this ....abis.

Hope this makes sense...

[Jdog]

Indigo-

I can't pretend to have many answers to what sounds like many years of built-up anxiety over very real challenges, both past and present.  I can only say that it's good and important to exercise as much self compassion as you can and know that you truly are doing the very best you can in this moment.  That is the advice my therapist has been giving me for some time now, and it is at once challenging and comforting to me.  You have legitimate pain and deserve to feel better, and over time you likely will feel the soothing effects of your therapy and self-work.  It all takes a lot of practice, this "reframing", so be sure to give yourself permission to not figure everything out right now.  Know that you are improving (doesn't always feel that way each and every moment, though) and that you will just make the best choice you can for today.  That is good enough.

[Indigochild]

Aww Jdog!  What a sweet reply- thank you so much.    Your empathy and compassion is so lovely and reassuring.

I really hope your finding your therapy beneficial, even though hard. And i hope you are more able to give yourself self compassion within time.

I like the way you put things- many years of built up anxiety.
Why have i never looked at it that way before?!
And self compassion is something i had never even thought of. I know i would find that difficult, but it makes sense, i mean, i would say that to anybody else.

Thankyou for validating that the pain is legitimate. I blame myself a lot and having someone confirm makes me feel better. Validating my own pain is something i need to be able to do.

[Kubali]

To Indigochild

I related to your post absolutely and completely.

A while back I attended a 'posh' wedding. Weekend stay in a country house. I was paralysed with anxiety for a month beforehand. Pretty much sabotaged my ' outfit' refused to buy appropriate clothing etc. So I felt totally alienated and worthless. Had a MASSIVE flashback in the evening. Filled with shame self-loathing and hate. Retreated to my room and cried my eyes out. It was a truly horrible night. I felt like a defective freak and I thought that everyone there would think the same.

Didn't sleep that night and crept away the next morning with my tail firmly between my legs.

So yes I am truly afraid of social encounters. The older I get the more ugly and unattractive I feel. The shame and anxiety are terrifying.

Kubali

[Indigochild]

Hi Kubali...
and thanks for replying to my post!

I am sorry its this way for you too.

I too understand the anxiety before hand.
Its hard too, when your already in a flashback...a long one, and you know you have something social / to go to, that may cause more flashbacks.
I also understand about not being bothered about what you wear. Im guessing that as well as self sabotage, you didn't feel like spending and dressing up for something which you would hate as it would likely be triggering?
To me, its like rebelling against whats expected of you. Which in that case and most cases, would be to dress up, to look nice.
Or you are saying the anxiety stopped you being able to buy something.

Don't know if its the case, but for some people, feeling good depends a lot on what you are wearing. Clothes are like your identity.

I know too how it is to think that everyone can see how defective you think you are.
Sorry it was an awful night. 
I don't know if its at all helpful, but know, that you are doing the very best you can in the moment, and that is all you can do, even if it doesnt feel like your doing your best.
Really, it is all you can do and that is good enough.

I hope it gets better for you x

[Jdog]

Just rereading this thread motivates me to repeat the mantra once more:  We are doing the best that we can in this moment.  This is a good way of becoming more present in the "now", as we tend to flashback or forward.  But it is THIS moment that we have, right now, this time that is ours.  We made different choices in the past and will make different ones in the future.  But for now, we are doing the absolute best that we can (and coincindentally so is everyone else).  It's a thing I need to repeat to myself over and over.

[Indigochild]

Jdog, I like this very much. I have never forgotten that since you said it.
I think we blame ourselves for whats happening in the now, things that arn't our fault, and our blaming is part of it, thats also not our fault.
This is a great mantra. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

I can relate
Fear has been a big factor - fear in general and fear of people especially -
Makes sense for us doesn't it - from where we have come from

I am finding that some of the recovery work I have done / am doing is really helping

Firstly I started learning about co dependence - melody beatie has some good books to work with
Learning how to be in my own body and not being so sensitive to others was/ is a good bit of work
Learning how to be assertive and honest to others - kindly honest and asserting what I need and being able to say it - if people care enough they will respond kindly
Learning to not people please
Learning how to balance contact with others and alone de frag time
And practising how to show myself to others open up and more vulnerable - this is the stage I am at now and it feels scared but good and I feel ready to do it - letting people see who I really am -
And funnily the fear isn't as bad as it was before when I was just blocking off
People do feel dominating when I was shrunken - and now they concern me less and I feel less dominated by anyone as I've found my insides more
I wish u the best of luck - relating is our hardest challenge my therapist says -

[Kubali]

To Indigochild

Thank you for your lovely reply!

Yes absolutely about the clothes thing! I find that I don't want to ' dress up' at all. It's as if I want to make the worst of myself. You are right about feeling good to wear nice clothes. I have to be in a 'happy place to wear anything pretty. Mostly I'm in jeans and t shirts. I spend lots of time walking my dogs in the country. That's my excuse. But I'm guessing it's actually just rationalising deeply held negative beliefs about my appearance.

I'm sorry that you suffer the agony of social gatherings too. It can be very terrifying and also very lonely and exhausting. I feel for you and send you a comforting hug to say " I understand and accept"

Kubali

[Indigochild]

Aww..no problem Kubi 
Thanks for yours too.

To Indigochild

Thank you for your lovely reply!

Did you know, that apparently people tend to wear jeans more when they are depressed? And skirts and dresses when they are feeling happier?
Not sure if its true, but i read an article about it, which is here if you want to read it.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/link-between-clothing-choices-and-emotional-states-0330124

Trigger warning........


I would reckon that you have some deeply held beliefs about your appearance, and perhaps people noticing or not noticing , or both, - your distress, which is maybe why you don't dress up a lot.
Perhaps you are in a way, saying to the world, hey...people taught me im...worthless...so here it is....i am everything you said i was.
You are not worthless though, i meant that maybe thats your thought process in your head.

I don't know if this is the same, but i also self sabotage, but not with clothing. 
I always thought know one would see that i was unhappy because I'm well clothed and washed etc.
I got this fear, of looking after myself. It comes and goes.
Normally comes along with abandonment triggers.
I fear that if i eat well, or apply hand cream, or exfoliate my face / body - whatever, or treat myself, that something bad will happen.
Maybe i am un contously afraid that know one would nurture me if i were to look after myself..but i have no idea.
I have know one that nurtures me.
It could come from the past, as i am now always afraid that if something good happens, it will be taken away.
My mum springs to mind. Always ruining my happiness, ruining things. Im not allowed to feel good about myself or anything i do.

This may be the case for you....?
sorry for just putting this out there. I hope you don't mind.
And sorry too, if you didnt want to investigate and you just wanted to say.

Heres a hug for you too Kubali 

[Kubali]

Indigochild

I 'get' it Totally!

I have a fear that if I'm happy about something then it would be taken away. Truth is that it WAS. So I buried positive feeling just to survive. I guess I lost a lot of them along the way. However I have managed to turn this around a little. I have made myself SEE the truth and the proof that in my new life that doesn't happen anymore.

What changed things for me was the realisation that both my parents and my sister were Narcissists. Two of them are Malignant. I went NC about 7 years ago and my life has slowly improved. I stopped asking the "why" questions about them so that's how I saw that I really understood and KNEW what they were. Once I had a handle on them I could focus on myself and find out what was left of me.

I've been in regular therapy for nearly 2 years. I do the inner work and I try to understand what is REAL. Living with NPD is living in some twisted distorted alternate reality. So my main driver is to know the Truth.

You are right about the appearance thing. My younger sister was beautiful. A beauty queen who looked like a golden angel. I was not. I have stuff about this. You are perceptive. I like that. Makes you interesting to me. Another Truth seeker I think?

I practice and live a gentle spiritual life. I have my demons. But we are on speaking terms now. Inner vision is something I treasure. Everyone has a truth. I like that. Even if it's something which hurts I believe that I needed to hear it and use it to evolve.

Thank you Indigochild. I love the name!!

Kubali

[Indigochild]

Hey Kubi!

What you said was so lovely.
I am a truth seeker. I recently figured out that my mum was undiagnosed Narcissistic personality disorder...and I have had three sessions so far with my therapist- wow...its weird to write that! I cant believe I'm finally in therapy.
But yes, I kept saying to her that i need to know the truth, i want to know the truth.
It seems that what i believe to be true all along, has not been what i thought it was.

I do believe like you, that the truth will help you learn what you need to learn to progress.

Im sorry that happy, good things were taken away from you.
Its interesting how you say that you burried positive feeling. Maybe this is what i did. i know i buerried love, and in my current relationship, i just don't feel anything for my partner sometimes, and some days, i feel very numb. Life seems boring sometimes when i am numb.

I am so glad your in therapy and i hope it goes well for you.

I have heard that it can be a shock when you find out your parent is a narcissist.
I was very shocked, made total sense, but i found it hard to believe. The emotional centre needs to catch up to the logic you logically understand. Really sent me into a spin, I was so gutted and sad for my mum and angry at the way i had been treated. Lighthouse website helped me figure this out. Her down to a T.

Did you know that its usually the case? That your sibling ends up being a narcissist too if they are the golden child?
Im worried this will happen to my sister. She is already not speaking to me or my dad.

Good for you for going no contact in order to try to get back to *you*.
I hope you can build up your *self*, I'm sure you will in time.

Do you think that you actually were not pretty?
Its vey sad if you think you are not.
Its not whats important in life, but I think that its good to accept your uniqueness in appearance, and see that as beautiful.
I know its way harder than that.

I am glad you are now speaking to your demons and visa versa.

They say, that if you have already been through what you have been through and survived, no matter if you come out all jagged and torn, you can survive therapy, and finding out the truth. I hope this is true.

And thanks, I'm glad you like the name! If i knew how to change it, i would just be Indigo. I wanted to call myself Autumn but thought as i don't know how to change that and ive been Indigo for a while, it might confuse people.

[Kubali]

Indigochild

I remember the day that the Truth hit me about my Mum.  She was the last remaining family member I had contact with. My sister was the Golden Child and I couldn't take the deceit so I had stopped having contact with her about a year before. It was the same with my Father.  I challenged my Mother about something and she lied. It was a stupid silly lie but it hurt and I decided I couldn't have her in my life anymore.

Some months later I discovered Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers website and had been reading some of the posts. Suddenly without warning I felt this enormous blow to my chest. It was like a knife had been stuck in. My heart just seized up. I can still remember the awful dread that my heart actually stopped and the terrible pain ripped through me. I KNEW what she was. I knew that she had NEVER loved me. It was all a lie. Now I had NO family left.

That's when I fell into the Abyss. Three days of hysteria shaking feeling cold then hot. Constantly needing to use the bathroom and nausea. I was in shock. Memories exploding in my brain replaying scenes long forgotten. It was a desperate and terrifying time. Everything was a lie and I was trapped in * and couldn't get out.

That was 7 years ago now. I'm still NC.  So yes it was a shock not only emotionally but mentally and physically as well.

You are also right about the Golden Child becoming Narcissistic. My sister is a Malignant Narcissist and has caused devastation wherever she goes. There is no cure. There is no Justice. But there is healing for the victims. That is the Truth.

I am sorry to hear that it has been the same for you. I know about the numbness and emptiness. It means you need to cry your grief, literally. Teach yourself how to cry. It's the best healing tool in your toolkit. After a while the body takes over and the inner critic or toxic parent voice is overridden. After the sobbing and convulsions have subsided comes the special miracle of RELIEF. This is probably my favourite emotion. Feeling that relief entering the body, easing the heart and calming the soul.

I do hope you progress in your therapy and remember to be kind to yourself.

I like Autumn very much.

Kubali

[Indigochild]

Hi Kibali

Thats tough, being the last family member you had contact with. I get it. Extremely scary. You feel all alone in the world.
Mum and golden child are crazy together.

I hope you wasnt alone when you discovered your mum was a Narcasist.
Im sorry you had such a hard time of it.
I completley understand the after effects.

I am so sorry that you cant even have a relationship with you sister. Thats the thing i am most angry about now, what my mum has done to my sister. And she has tried to stop me having relationship with dad too.
It sucks there is no justice and no cure. I wish they'd go to therapy but i know they don't see it.
Its probably best for you to not talk to either of them.

I found a video by a guy who had narcissistic parents / parent, and saw a therapist. Very good at explaining Narcasism and how a person would feel after discovering your parent has it.
I also replayed everything in my mind, and it made me sad, to think that the times that my mum was nice, even though she regularly took that away, and it went back to normal after those very few incidents of being with her, I wondered if they were actually real. Was she faking empathy?
Did she have any at all?
Was it all a ploy to make me fooled and on her side, then shed tare me down? Was it all for her own selfish gain?

I asked my partner to help me figure out if it was her. As i read, my hart pounded hard, i started reading faster and faster, thinking, man ive hit the jackpot, ive figured it out.
There was something i read at one point, which made me cry. I was crying in disbelief and hurt.
As I'm not in touch with my emotions, the crying stopped, as my body always stops it turning into a full blown cry.
Afterwards, my head was reeling. I had to go for a walk.
It was late at night, and I was terrified being out the house alone in the dark. I thought mum would come and take me away. I feel guilty finding out things, or if i speak the truth about what she did.
I jumped at every tree, shadow, person, thinking it was her.
When i got in, i drank, just felt like it. I guess it helped ease the pain.
The next day, i felt quite miserable, and sad.

This helped me to understand an older friend of mine. We don't speak now. This was very recent. She was a mother figure for me, i desperatley wanted her to be my mum. I think she also has the disorder. Bad childhood.
I never saw it before, then heard she had been spreading rumers, and ones about me too, all the while hugging, and being nice to me.
I have always seen her as being just like my mum, but it wasnt just transference i see now. She actually is like my mum as she also has NPD i am very sure of it.

Do you know how to teach yourself to cry? Thats amazing to hear that eventually the inner critic is over ridden.
Thats very hopeful. Thanks so much and for your good wishes 

Autumn / Indigo 

[Oxygen]

Wow...I just love this thread! And     

I can go to work but usually by the time I get there, I am soaking wet with sweat, having difficulty breathing, knots in my stomach, and have had to talk myself out of calling in sick at least 10 times. Weirdest part is, I have a job I love and know how to do quite well. I should have absolutely no anxiety about the job itself!

If I can feel this awful about doing something I'm familiar with and love, you can imagine how it magnifies when I try to face doing something unfamiliar, even with other people! I'm an introvert anyway and need lots of silence and down time but to have absolutely no social life at all is really, really aggravating!

My therapist asked me recently if I wouldn't like to have someone in my life to hang out with - go to dinner, movies, whatever. Of course I would! What she didn't do was to help me know how to get started on finding these people. That first step is simply impossible for me to take. No matter how hard I try. Just the thought of going out and being around strangers causes me great anxiety.

But I guess being able to go to work and have at least some interaction with other people is about all I can do for now. "We are doing the best that we can in this moment." That's a powerful mantra and has just become mine  Thanks for posting it and reminding me to be as gentle with myself as I am with other people.

Light and love to all