Howdy Everyone (Trigger Warnings - lil bit of everything)

[Rikyra]

Hello. I am not really sure how I should introduce myself. I am 19 and from Texas, and I was formally diagnosed with depression and CPTSD in June. I used to think I was lucky to have a good family, that they were among the good ones. Only recently have I come to realize how abusive and abnormal my family was. I am the youngest and only female child; I have 3 older brothers.

To start, my dad was physically abusive and would often take out his frustrations on us. He was also a religious zealot. My mom was focused on getting her master's degree, so she spent a lot of time doing that; more recently, I suspect she may have had NPD. My brothers would often do things that upset my dad, and he would punish them violently. I was terrified of being punished, so I strove to be a perfect child, which my brothers hated because it worked. But being the favorite wasn't great either; I walked on eggshells and was always afraid. My fear of getting in trouble is still crippling.

Both of my parents were emotionally abusive. They had no real concept of empathy. The most confusing thing, though, was that they were not always cruel. The moments of love and affection mixed in made it feel like we were the problem if they were not loving. If I had a nickel for every time I was told "get over it" and "crying doesn't get you what you want," I'd be rich.

The more I try to remember my past, the more gaps I find. It's hard to be certain of anything, and that's really upsetting. My youngest brother is 3 years older than me, because he and I are closest in age; we ended up spending the vast majority of our childhood together. Sometimes he was my best friend, and other times he was my tormentor; no one has verbally abused me more than him. He has said some genuinely awful, soul-crushing things. But he was truly all I had. I didn't really have friends (I was bullied instead), and no one else in my family was close with me either. I was unbelievably lonely and recall feeling unloved from a very young age.

My oldest brother was 9 years older than me. He was usually doing big kid things, so I never really got to hang out with him. But when I did, it was the best. He was the only one who didn't hurt me in some way. Until he committed suicide when he was 16 (I was eight).

My middle brother is 6 years older than me, and I honestly thought he hated me when I was a kid. He was avoidant, aggressive, and wanted nothing to do with me. All I ever wanted was acceptance, to feel like someone actually cared about me, and to bond with someone. So when he had something he wanted to do with me, I was all too willing. He SA'd me. I don't have an exact age, but it also happened multiple times. The best I have is an estimated range of 6-10 years old. No one in my family knows about it. I had no concept of the nature of it; when I did learn of it, I was absolutely horrified with myself. I believed it was my fault, that I was an awful, disgusting human being. I swore to never tell anyone for the rest of my life and then repressed it hard. I refused to think about it; despite nightmares and intrusive thoughts, I forced it out of my head and tried to forget. I spent so much time with rose-colored glasses on my family; I would talk about how amazing this brother was, how great a person (he changed after our oldest brother died and genuinely did get his act together), etc., etc. Only within the last several months did I learn what happened to me counted as sexual abuse, and I was forced to process it, at least somewhat, for the first time. It was awful, but I was able to be mad at the right person for once. My self-esteem has been better since then; I think it was the root of my self-esteem issues.

About 5 years ago, when I was 14, my mom committed suicide. My parents had gotten divorced within a year after my oldest brother passed, and both had remarried. My dad ended up marrying the most positively toxic human ever to be born. I was not allowed to show any sadness, anger, or negative emotion. She also favored her kids over us; she's a hypocrite with double standards left and right. I was the scapegoat of the family now. My dad became basically the exact opposite of how he used to be, a huge passivist. He just let my stepmom do whatever. I could do no right, and her kids could do no wrong, and my dad did nothing, even if he later admitted to disagreeing with her.

Anyways, that's a summary of my life. I am seeing a trauma/PTSD-specialized therapist and am going to start on medications soon (the first time ever, I was never allowed). I do still see my family fairly frequently; it is never easy, but it's complicated, and I still care about them. I have mixed feelings about so many things, and I have no idea how I am supposed to feel about my family. I want to get better, and I am glad to have found this forum. I really crave belonging, and finding a group that I can relate to is a big deal for me.

[TheBigBlue]

Welcome to OOTS!

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. That's an enormous amount of pain and trauma to carry, especially when you weren't even allowed to express your feelings. Sometimes suppressing those feelings is simply what we learn to do to survive.

"I used to think I was lucky to have a good family." That resonated deeply with me. I used to think and tell people "I grew up protected" until I was diagnosed last year, at age 56.

I'm glad you're getting support from a trauma-specialized therapist now. And I hope you find some of the understanding, safety, and sense of belonging you're looking for here.

[Hope67]

Hi Rikyra,
Welcome 

Things you wrote also resonated with me.

[NarcKiddo]

You have had so very much to deal with. I'm sorry, and much of what you wrote resonated with me, too. The family that can seem loving and caring at times is particularly hard, I think.

I'm glad you found us.

[Kizzie]

I used to think I was lucky to have a good family, that they were among the good ones.

Hi Rikyra and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm! 

I am so sorry for what you have gone through and didn't quite realize was a very abusive and toxic family environment. You do seem to know now it was a nightmare though and IMO that is a sign you're on the road to recovery.

I'm glad you're here as members will validate your experiences, support you and in some cases offer suggestions as to what has helped them along the way. For a lot of us that really helps to see what was so wrong growing up, understand it wasn't our fault, and put responsibility back where it belongs.

We were never the problem.