New Here-Letting it all out & looking for a place to land!

[Honey Bunny]

Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum. I am a survivor of severe childhood and adult scapegoating, and I am currently dealing with CPTSD and agoraphobia. I have survived extreme family betrayal, a powerful abuser, and years of systemic trauma and tracking.

My abuser was a powerful individual who was documented saying he was going to torture, kill, and eat me. He used his family name and wealth to cover up his psychopathy and weaponize a family court against me, keeping my only child from me even though I did absolutely nothing wrong. He pursued me relentlessly until I was forced to go on the run for nine long years, living as if I didn't even exist. He eventually tracked me down using a family court arrest warrant and had me falsely charged through that same system.

Because I was residing in a small town, that false arrest caused the local court to get involved. They ultimately forced the charges to be dropped because I had been arrested without a single piece of evidence. Remarkably, that false arrest led to my freedom; the small-town court protected me from the psychopath and put the reality of my CPTSD and sanity in writing.

Now, I am finally coming out of the storm, looking around, and trying to navigate everything alone. I am processing a lifetime of trauma without a single person in my life who can fathom any of this. Right now, I am living as a hermit to keep myself safe, and I am finally waking up to the full reality of what I went through. I am having a hard time navigating the world, and I just really need to connect with real people who understand how backwards and upside-down things get when you are a lifelong family scapegoat.

The hardest part was having no support system. Everything that happened to me was so unbelievable and different from normal experiences that whenever I tried to speak the truth, I was dismissed or looked at as dramatic or crazy. That skepticism was further traumatizing. But keeping it all in is like poison, and I am ready to let it out.

Thank you for reading and for having this space. Sorry if this is too long!

[WhatsNext]

Hi Honey Bunny

I'm new here too.  Pleased to make your acquaintance.

[Honey Bunny]

  Nice, to meet you, as well!

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome, Honey Bunny. Your experience sounds totally awful. I am not surprised you are now having to deal with CPTSD and agoraphobia. I am glad the small-town court validated your experiences and publicly confirmed that you were not to blame for this. I hope that went at least a little way to helping you on the path the healing.

You are correct that keeping it all in is like poison and I am glad you now feel strong enough to start letting it out. I would just say that it can be a distressing process so be gentle with yourself while you do so. Taking it slowly is often the fastest way.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Honey! 

I agree with Narc Kiddo, what truly awful experiences you have lived through and are struggling to deal with. Agoraphobia is certainly an understandable response to all of that. Fortunately here OOTS members get that we do what we have to to survive. There are some truly awful people out there who do truly awful things to others as we all know.   

Just curious if have you looked to the police/courts to take action against your abuser/stalker (beyond what the small town court did in terms of your arrest)? And what of your child, are they back in your life? Have you broken or reduced contact with your mother? Any or all of this may be unlikely what with having agoraphobia but they are areas to consider when you feel better to begin to take back control of your life. Hopefully being here will help with that.   

[Honey Bunny]

The small town court suggested that I sue them for malicious prosecution, but the town that they put out the false arrest in, has literally falsified court document after court document on behave of the abuser. He paid private detectives to follow me for years and when I didn't do anything wrong, they lied under oath, said I was having men stay the night and when I handed over security camera footage showing that was a lie, they did nothing. My abuser is a well known billionaire family and they even paid a forensic psychologist to falsify test results that said I had PTSD to say I was histrionic to cover the fact that my abuser was recorded saying he was going to torture me for years, take me into the woods and kill me and eat me! I recorded everything with the forensic psychologist, proved she lied and they STILL used her report as fact. I reported her to the APA, a case was opened and then the next time we went back to court that same psychologist did the report. Since my son was 9 months old, he set me up took a picture with fake blood running down his face to get a protective order against me, have me kicked out of my house when I had nowhere to go and separated from my son when I was a stay at home mother. And it was 4 years of similar escalation until he tried to get me to kill myself, then was telling everyone I slit my wrist when I didn't and calling suicide hotline to try to falsely have me committed. It didn't work because it was an obvious lie that I slit my wrist but then he tried to use the forensic psychologist to have me committed and saying I couldn't see my son unless I committed myself. That's when I knew if I didn't just run, I would be dead or falsely committed and would lose my freedom and my son anyway. My point being, the truth does not matter to that court. I could sue them but they would just turn it around and use it to further destroy my life when I am just starting to heal.

And I have not cut all of my family member out of my life since 2017. My childhood was * too. My dad smashed out my front tooth at 15, I moved out and moved across the country by myself the day after my 16 birthday. I'm now just processing how horrible these things are and realizing that I'm not what these abusers did to me. It's just so difficult trying to live life after all of this because my story is so severe that people can't believe it and it's made me isolate myself. And it seems like if there is a parasite within a 100 miles of me, they seem to find me... 

[Honey Bunny]

NarcKiddo, nice to meet you! Yes, the small town court was such a blessing in disguise. They court ordered me to get a mental health evaluation which turned out to really be a trauma informed therapist that changed my life completely. That therapist led to the start of my healing not only from the abuser, but the realization that how I was abused as a child led to me being a beacon to other predators throughout my life. Because I had been on the run with no support, I ended up in the hands of another predator who was using my housing vulnerability to steal my physical labor and sexual assaulted me Because the court cleared my name and I was no longer on the run, I was able to serve the predatory landlord who was pretending to be a friend 'saving me' a legal notice and get some of the money back that I had invested in his house under the pretenses that it was going to be mine. So a lot has been lifted off of me recently, it feels surreal. I'm going through what I found through research says is a somatic crash.