Only now beginning to understand the impact

[Dougm]

Dear OOTS,

This is my second post, my first was in February when I summarised my life after experiencing psychosis as a young adult. I described how I eventually linked the psychosis to the relationships with my parents, specifically the neglect, contempt and resentment I experienced from them while growing up.

It is only now, as a 50 year old, that I am beginning to comprehend the impact my abandonment caused. I am now doing a PhD in a topic I love, which I would not change for the world. But it causes me enormous anxiety, and a strong and overwhelming 'freeze' response while working. Essentially I'm often 'paralysed' while sitting at the computer, too scared to continue. I've realised the paradox is that the anxiety I experience is precisely because I am doing what I love.

My parents were not interested in my development or my progress at school. And I felt resentment and contempt from them during my childhood. Love was not present in my family, and attention was conditional. My attempts to be noticed and acknowledged were met with disdain, criticism and dismissal. But these attempts at being noticed were essentially my first attempts at expressing my 'self', and because these expressions of my 'self' were always diminished and disregarded, now that I am again doing something that is a direct expression of my 'self', it fills me with paralysing fear and anxiety.

I've learnt that the freeze response I feel comes from the sense that my life and existence are under threat. If you consider your 'inner self' to be equivalent to your outer, physical self, then essentially my life is under threat.

Freeze is also triggered when we have no way of fighting back or escaping (flight). I often tried to fight back against the contempt and dismissal I received, but my anger and rage were harshly supressed and eventually I gave up fighting. These experiences then precipitated my psychosis. It was defined by racing and 'haywire' thoughts, a permanent level of high stress and fear (permanent 'deer in the headlights' as I used to say), strange dissociations and a lack of personal awareness, and very strong loss of all enjoyment in things I used to very much love.

The scale of the harm that was done is becoming apparent to me, and the tragedy of it all. It took 13 years to become financially independent after my psychosis. After that I have experienced many unfulfilling relationships, friendships and jobs, and felt deep alienation, loneliness and sadness. I'm sad it has taken so long. I remember in my early 20s thinking "This year I'll sort myself out"!

But there are so many resources now to get support. I am getting good therapy. There are numerous books and podcasts (I love Emma McAdam - Therapy in a Nutshell - on YT). And OOTS is an invaluable, indispensable and beautiful resource. It provides the critical service of being understood and seen by those who have had similar experiences, which are so difficult to get in real life, even in therapy. It is critical because alienation and dissociation are fundamental experiences of everyone with CPTSD. And the responses I received after my first post were so incredibly validating and acknowledging to me. These simple needs go so deep.

I am cracking on in my PhD, and am finding ways of reducing the anxiety and finding bits and pieces of joy in my work. I am slowly learning to care for myself, to love, care and be compassionate to myself and my unnurtured inner child. I wake up in the morning feeling empty and lonely, but after hugging my pillow tightly for half an hour, as a way of caring for my inner child, I somehow have the strength and motivation to get up and face the day. I'm learning to advocate for myself, despite the deep fear that I will be belittled again. I'm learning to build meaningful relationships, slowly. And most importantly I am learning to understand myself, and that although I am different, I know that's OK. And I'm able to give myself time and space to feel and soothe the anxiety and fear until it subsides. Compassion is my catchphrase at the moment, and it is transforming the way I treat myself and see myself.

Thank-you for reading this, and thank-you to everyone at OOTS.
 

[Kizzie]

Compassion is my catchphrase at the moment, and it is transforming the way I treat myself and see myself.

Bravo Doug, bravo!    

If I may say so, you have a lovely inner you that shines through in this post so keep on saying yes to it and nurturing yourself.    All I kept thinking about as I read your post was a beautiful butterfly emerging from its cocoon.

Kizzie 

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you for your post. I'm happy to read that you are cracking on with your PhD despite the difficult emotions it provokes, and that you are learning to care for yourself and your inner child. It's so very heartening to read things like that and see the progress, while also having the validation of the fact that this is not an easy road to tread for any of us.

[HannahOne]

Thank you for your post, DougM. I'm so glad you have resources. I know it can be a long and frustrating journey. It does feel like a tragedy sometimes. You've persevered.

It makes sense that doing what you love can lead to paralysis or freeze. That was the only way to be safe at the time. In my case it wasn't safe to love anything as it would be weaponized or taken away. So many layers of hiding. I'm trying to learn to love more freely and openly but it's difficult.

Neglect is sometimes neglected, LOL. It's not always mentioned or considered. It has a very profound effect. I was particularly moved to read "after hugging my pillow tightly for half an hour, as a way of caring for my inner child, I somehow have the strength and motivation to get up and face the day." I'm glad you have that caring for yourself. Sometimes I need strength and motivation to get up and face the day and I may try this myself as a somatic experience.