Luma’s Recovery Journal

[Luma1123]

Quick updates:

- had the first EMDR appointment today, didn't get into any of the actual practice but she asked a lot about my past experiences and current perspectives. Sometimes I feel like my trauma is very "light", compared to some of the more harrowing experiences others have had. But as I was explaining the big two things, as well as the less-violent but still distressing third, it was really validating to see this lady I've only spoken with for today be like: "yes, absolutely, that is trauma".

- had a temporary resurgence of The Ick (a millennial/genZ term, I say with affection if anyone isn't familiar 😅 where someone does something relatively small but disproportionately irritating, and can make you feel like you have zero interest in them where before there was lots of interest) yesterday with regards to a guy I've been seeing. We've been moving snails-pace slow, but this time I was expecting the Ick to show up, and even though it's still making me uncomfortable, I think I've managed to get the bad vibes to a manageable level, and I feel good to really vent about this in talk therapy tomorrow.

- I've made my morning chai and had my hummus and chips so I guess it's time to start the day. Yay?

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad the EMDR lady was validating.

I'm interested to see you mention The Ick. I'm familiar with the term, and I have often seen it used when people treat it as a red flag, or a situation from which the relationship cannot recover. I've sometimes wondered about that because my husband can absolutely give me The Ick and has done many times during our decades-long marriage. For sure it is sometimes something that ought to be talked about but more often than not I find The Ick surfacing very easily when I am dysregulated, and possibly in or near an EF. So for me it is not necessarily a red flag about him but a warning sign for me.

[Luma1123]

I'm glad the EMDR lady was validating.

I'm interested to see you mention The Ick. I'm familiar with the term, and I have often seen it used when people treat it as a red flag, or a situation from which the relationship cannot recover. I've sometimes wondered about that because my husband can absolutely give me The Ick and has done many times during our decades-long marriage. For sure it is sometimes something that ought to be talked about but more often than not I find The Ick surfacing very easily when I am dysregulated, and possibly in or near an EF. So for me it is not necessarily a red flag about him but a warning sign for me.

NK, you phrased that SO well, and honestly I feel like that clarifies a lot. "More often than not I find The Ick surfacing very easily when I am dysregulated, and possibly in or near an EF." That makes so much sense to me, and makes me want to consider and revisit all the times I've felt the Ick with this guy, because I feel like that aligns really well with my experiences in retrospect.

Also, I did not realize that The Ick was such a widely known term 😂 My assessment of it is much the same as yours—it's assumed to be something irreparable for a relationship, when more often it's a small tic or habit thats not necessarily 100% related to the feelings that get evoked. I guess all us comparative young'uns (I'm over thirty! I swear!) think we speak our own language, whether we really do or not! Very funny, and thank you for sharing <3

[HannahOne]

Luma1123, I second what NK said, for me the ick is almost always related to an EF. I have found this really useful in understanding myself and my triggers. I'm so glad you have a therapist to help sort this out!

I'm glad your therapist understands that trauma is actually not "outside of normal human experience" and is very common, banal even, and doesn't have to be "horrific" as in a war, but can be "horrific" as in a needed caretaker not taking care, or actively harming.