Memories resurfacing (TW CSA)

[DD]

I finally got my life feeling safe. First time ever, really. Or I say I felt safe, but honestly I don't know if I've ever felt safe for more than fleeting moments at a time. And then the memories started resurfacing. I will not go into the memories or details of them. I know it was bad. I know it was bad by the glimpses of memories I have. I know it was bad because it shattered my personality into shards/parts, my connection with my body, and my ability to live in the present moment. I have now decided to process this, because it keeps coming up. I kept avoiding it and ending in burnout, so it seems I cannot.

I am doing part work, identifying the parts I have, getting to know them, and so forth. I started to map out my parts. Started to write down their characteristics and how they think. Of course in therapy it became clear that I have a few more than I thought I did. I have one I have blamed so much for not having boundaries and not being able to say no. And then I discover she was the one with the memories, who actually went through it and all she can do is try to people please the adults around her and survive the situation. I have thought horrible things about her.

But it is weird. On the one hand I feel I am ok or at least able to keep on going as if I am still functional. I seem to be very good at pretending to be. But there is another side where I am nauseous and horrified. I am staring at this topic with the full knowledge that it might destroy me to handle this. It shattered me when it happened.

I am nauseous most of the time. I am barely keeping it together. I spiral often and get triggered easily. It's honestly feels like a couple full time jobs just keeping my life together. How do I get through this? How do I face the horrors of what happened to me? I have to. I choose to. I am just incredibly scared at the same time. How does one come to terms with having this happen? How long does this kind of a process last, the memories resurfacing, the healing work? My sister said it took I think 2 years for her. How do I make it to the other side of this? 

How does one process the unthinkable? When you run out of ideas on how it could have been worse? How does one handle that happening to oneself?

[RJ]

DD

I am so sorry you are going through this, Through your pain I am moved by a sense of strength and courage in your writing.
Thank you for sharing, and please
Take gentle care   

[Marcine]

Hello DD,
I respect the deep and intense process you are in and I witness your determination. It seems completely natural to feel scared in the face of raw trauma.

I don't know details of what you have been through. But I'd like to share my perspective on metabolizing horror, in the hope it may ease your burden in any small way.

The horrific memories started surfacing for me decades ago— it was like being on open calm ocean and suddenly large chunks of wreckage came surging up from below, like their ballast was released and they floated free of the force that held down their natural buoyancy. More and more bits surfaced, floating all over the water, pieces I didn't recognize, debris, shattered, chunks... proof of a smothered, suppressed disaster that obviously had happened and that I didn't consciously know. That had been held down for so long and that was finally ready to surface. It was overwhelming in its scale and undeniable reality.

When the time was right, those memories surfaced fast for me, in their fragments. It took longer to archaeologically reconstruct the original happenings.

The healing is on-going for me and I accept it will be a lifelong journey with no finish line.

You ask how to process the unthinkable. I hear a clue in your question— yes, so much of the trauma is unthinkable, inconceivable, virtually impossible to grasp...

I practice trusting my body, the non-thinking parts. I try to allow my body to tell me the pace and rhythm for healing.

I am hesitant to write much more, out of respect for your individual process.

May it continue to unfold and I wish for you to have some peace as you navigate such difficult waters.

[DD]

Trigger warning for this post - high level info on CSA and remembering it and consequences




I experienced CSA at the hands of an extended family member we visited every year. It started when I was about 5 or 6. The latest bit to resurface was that it wasn't just him alone, but that there was more than just him. He did not do it always alone. My parents kept taking me there even after they heard my sister was abused. All I was told was not to go anywhere alone with this family member. But I was still taken there. It stopped before puberty.

The memories resurfacing, it is hard to explain to someone what it feels like when yesterday I didn't know something about myself but now I do.
It's hard to tell my partner how he can support me through this. Because even I don't know. It just feels horrible.
I don't know how to support myself through this. It's hard to sleep, it's hard to eat. I mostly just feel like throwing up.

The memories come in small bites. A knowledge he told me no one will ever love me like he does. Or if I tell anyone they will find it impossible to love me. Or the knowledge of what it felt like to know it was going to happen and there was nothing I can do to stop it. Or bits of what happened.

Earlier I did not want to know. Now it feels impossible to heal without knowing how bad it was and what happened. It feels like a forensic research into the horror where I look at the damage done and the reactions I am having and try to make sense of it all. I still have a part I can be triggered into when all my boundaries vanish and I will do whatever the other wants. And there have been so many situations where I have been pushed into this head space even after the initial abuse. And even if it has not always been intentional, it still hurts. All of it hurts.

[Marcine]

I have read your post and I stand with you in seeing the truth.

[DD]

I practice trusting my body, the non-thinking parts. I try to allow my body to tell me the pace and rhythm for healing.

I really like this, but what does it mean in practice? I am thinking maybe if when remembering starts to disrupt my eating or sleeping, it's time to slow down, if I can. My mind is very bad at slowing down, but I have, in the past, focused just on ensuring I eat, sleep, breathe, until it is easier. Maybe it IS more my body I need listening to instead of my mind and giving it what it needs at any given point in time.

[Marcine]

Hi DD,

I found this definition of somatic healing and it might be helpful:

"Somatic healing is a body-centered approach to mental health and recovery. It focuses on how stress, fear, and trauma are stored physically within the nervous system and tissues. Instead of relying only on talk therapy, it uses physical awareness, breath, and movement to release pent-up tension and restore balance."

The path is as unique as any person traveling it. Body work, myofascial release, meditation, EFT tapping, EMDR, art therapy, nature bathing, dance, breath work, yoga, t'ai chi, equine therapy, play therapy, cold exposure, psychedelic assisted therapy, holistic sound therapy... and many many more modalities.

Hoping something sparks for you.

[Kizzie]

I am so sorry for what you went through and are struggling with now DD. Abuse is a terrible legacy and there is no clear path except through it. That said, we can go as slowly as we need to and take things a bit at a time until we can tolerate remembering more and more. Too much all at once can be overwhelming as I found out many years ago when I was in the thick of recovery.

One thing I will mention that helped me is to let myself get angry about what happened to me. It is the fuel that can silence those voices and push away those memories that haunt you. You begin to see that you were in no way responsible for what happened and that responsibility needs to be given to your perpetrators. IME anger helps us to re-ignite the self-protective part of our self that gets tamped down by our abuse. This doesn't mean getting into screaming matches with anyone that was involved, but acknowledging it within yourself, saying yes to putting in place stronger boundaries and saying no to being stuck in the trauma.

Pete Walker talks about angering in his book CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving if you want to read more about it.

Hope this is helpful.

Kizzie

   

[HannahOne]

DD, I have read your posts.  I'm sorry for what you went through.

I never forgot my abuse but I know from reading and from therapy groups it is common for memories to surface once there is safety. Makes sense as the mind protects itself until it's safe. So you can trust your mind thinks it's a safe and that you can handle knowing. Knowing/not knowing is part of the process.

Eating and sleeping is essential! And will help your body regulate!

Offering support and solidarity.