Chronic shame

[dahlias95]

I'm a first time poster on here but I thought it would be helpful to share my experience.
I had an extremely difficult childhood, and subsequently was diagnosed with CPTSD in adulthood.
One of the hardest things for me to cope with is my self-esteem/sense of self which feels like it's getting worse.
I am chronically disgusted with myself. There's not a moment in the day I don't think about how I'm perceived by others. I feel I have personality/and body dysmorphia. I am fuelled by shame, and I go to extreme lengths to please others in order to stop them from finding me disgusting.
I really don't know how to manage this. I don't want to keep going through my life putting the needs of others before my own. I want to be able to move forward, and feel worthy to others.
I am currently doing therapy (CAT) which I hope will help with this -but does anyone else have any things which can help challenge my chronic shame and core beliefs?
Thank you 

[Alexandra]

Hello dahlais95 ; A warm welcome , I am so sorry that you were abused,and made to feel ashamed,  shame is so painful, good for you , to be brave enough to post about it , I understand, for me ,shame feels like I am naked in front of others and want to hide . Guilt, is based on something you do, shame is based on what someone else did to you, I try to keep this in mind ,I did nothing wrong , I find that good self care makes me feel like I matter , which makes me feel less ashamed. You are not alone, we in the group, do understand Alexandra

[Kizzie]

Hi Dahlias - I took a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) course online some years back and although I'm not much for this type of therapy it really did help in this case. Basically what I came away with a new understanding that no-one (other than my narcissistic family and me myself) was watching me much less judging me. I came to see it as being a bit narcissistic myself to think that I took up much space on anyone's radar, and instead were too busy worrying about themselves and their lives. For whatever reason that change in thinking held and is still in place today.

A little exercise I used to do - would sit in a food court and watch everyone coming and going, eating lunch or having a coffee and started to see no-one was paying much attention to me. Before I wouldn't look, I was too self-conscious and convinced everyone could see my shame.

Hope this helps 

[Alexandra]

Hello Dahlais95; I agree with Kizzie, people are focused on themselves, I found when I talk to them, that it is themselves ,they talk about, they hardly ask me about myself, this helped me .

[dahlias95]

Thank you so much Alexandra & Kizzie for your kindness and for ultimately making me feel understood. I do find a lot of comfort in remembering that other people are far more occupied in themselves to be considering others (a thought which I could imagine others would find upsetting!).
The practical suggestions above are also great ideas and I'll give them a go safe in the knowledge it has helped people with a similar experience to mine.
Thank you

[NarcKiddo]

I like Kizzie's idea of the food court.

I found similar when I started a proper exercise habit. I was overweight and self-conscious and was the kid everyone picked last for the team at school. I was convinced everyone in the gym would be watching me and laughing or mocking behind my back. I discovered nothing could be further from the truth. I could even do some more unusual things for a woman my age, such as boxing, powerlifting, and some rather involved kettlebell manoeuvres and nobody gave me a second glance. The gym now is my main place to disappear in plain sight and do some meditating on the bike. I've had silent tears pouring down my face in there when processing something or other, and if anyone noticed they probably thought it was just sweat.

I was once minding my own business on the mat and felt people staring at me. I started to feel shame but looked up to find that they were actually staring at a rather huge spider that had decided to come and visit me on the mat!

I am not sure how best to go about tackling this - but in my case I really needed to do the exercise so I adopted the 'fake it til you make it' approach.