Is friendship and relationships worth it? My Story

[Harorudo]

TW sensitive subjects or mentions

Online has always been so hard for me to be on. IRL I have no one but family and my help team. ( ATM ) The last time I had a close, good and I though best "friend" in person was in 2008 High School. ( Online that's another story for another time I'll share about friendships and relationships ) Then that was it I have no social life. I tried joining things over time to get out there meet others, though nothing worked. 

Having severe mental health, a learning disability, now discovering I have Autism ( at age 34 now im 37 )  and C-PTSD always been a  major turn off too people. People my age are into things I'm not wanting to do or have. I even don't feel in my 30s either. ( long story there )

As for online I met countless people the good, bad and worse than ugly the dangerous.  ( No this dose not mean looks, its them as a person, who they are and personality wise.  )  For good it was either they couldn't handel me, accept me for who I was after awhile. They left me saying im werid, a freak that needs mental help and other not nice things too say.

Other times if I talked and be friended someone or a group I see there true colors that there not so nice, friendly or lied to me just to use me in someway. ( Even them hurt other people on purpose for fun  ) The bad the typical bullies, liars,  manipulators and so on. Lastly the dangerous.. I can't say on here I don't want to trigger anyone but its worse that someone just being a jerk to me.

( Think about all the dangers online today pretty much half that happened to me sadly. I'm all for online safety and plan to write a novel of some sorts to educate others and sharing my full story )


Like them trying to hurt me worse than simple manipulation much worse like brainwash or physically/mentally/sexual bad stuff. I could go on and explain more though it's still hard for me to talk about.
 
All the memories still haunt me even if im not online or take breaks. I really got f uped in the head since age 12 and still even now older things online still happen to me. Adding more pain ontop a trying to heal, mend and feel peace.

I wish I could say what happen to me but I can't. I'm so messed up and in pain 24/7 I never wish this on anyone. I'm writing this post for a lot of reasons to express  share my feelings  and life.

I came a VERY long way for being so messed up as a teen I was angry at everyone even myself for a very long time. ( I didn't care at all about myself either and now paying the price of it) I changed though and worked my butt off everyday after 2018 to become the women I am today. I'm not sure what else to say.

Please take care everyone and if you read this I really appreciate it even if you don't like or comment.