Recovering Gently

[Gently]

....having lost her rag, my M would then sometimes take me to do the 'fun' thing, by which time it was no fun at all. 

This reminds me of a powerful scene in the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart. George, typically a doting father and loving husband, is going through a crisis in his life and trying to handle it himself. He's desperate, angry. All of his insecurities and unresolved anger and resentments are surfacing. He's is a state, and he goes home lost and confused. It's Christmas time, he has a lot of kids and his family life is a beautiful tableau of happy chaos. He can't handle it, and snaps at his youngest. The youngest is unfazed, knowing his father loves him, secure. George continues to be snippy, his wife senses his stress and relies on her trusted ability to calm and soothe him. It doesn't work. It all comes to a climax when he can't tolerate his daughter's piano practice, start and stop, start and stop. He yells at her to stop. She protests at first because she needs to know this piece for the families, evidence that normally she is allowed to protest something her Father has said. He repeats his demand that she stop. She stops, but doesn't cry. Not yet.

He catches himself, he recovers himself and feels bad about what he's done. He wants it all to go back to how it was before he blew his top. He apologizes, to his daughter, to his family. He tells her to go ahead and practice again. He asks his son to repeat his question to him. He says: What's wrong, go ahead and play! What's wrong with everyone?

Here's the moment that counts: the kids are no longer in an emotionally secure state. They are rocked, and no longer trust him. The attachment has been ruptured and needs repair. They can see that he is not yet safe. The daughter stands, frozen, not returning to the piano, crying, now. The son says: It's okay Daddy, it doesn't matter."

Here is where George really looses himself. He is enraged that his family will not cooperate with his desire for everything he did to be erased. He can't tolerate the reality of what he is doing to them, that they won't pretend with him that it's okay, that he's okay.

His wife, Mary, speaks up for her children, speaks up against her husband's emotional abuse, and says: Geroge, why must you torture the children. Why don't you leave?

Torture. It's torture to mistreat, misuse, abuse, harm someone, and then require them to help you pretend that they have not been harmed by it to save your own feelings about what you've done.

I love that Mary stood up to him like that. She is holding onto the two younger ones and standing in front of all of them, facing George off. Amazing.

Of course, in this movie, George is not an abuser and Mary can see that he is going through something and needs help. She proceeds to get help, loving him, AND disallowing him to cause more harm to her (and his) beloved family.

You didn't deserve to be treated that way because you asked for something, NarcKiddo. You deserved to be delighted in, and shown by example the beauty of life and joy and love. We all deserve a M who would stand against mistreatment and protect us. I hope, for both of us, that we can let our H's delight and love sink in deep enough to be able to trust it, at least with them.

[Gently]

The part that keeps standing out to me is that you're not waiting for the difficult feelings to disappear before choosing what is kind, protective, or even joyful for yourself.

That feels like such meaningful progress. 

I'm glad you're becoming someone you can rely on from the inside.

Thank you for your encouragement, TBB. I opened this forum this morning feeling a lot of pain. Looking at encouragements is hard for me. I tend to bounce off of them. I asked myself to stay with the encouragement in your post and others this morning, let it push through. It was uncomfortable, but it started to till the soil of my phyche, soften it, allowed the encouragement sink in. Now, after engaging with folks here, I feel better, calmer. It still hurts, but I feel less alone.

[NarcKiddo]

[TheBigBlue]