What are your thoughts, experiences with Internal Family Systems, Dr. Schwartz

[Baldorin]

Hello, I just read "Introduction to Internal Family Systems." and "No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model,"  by Dr. Richard Schwarz.  These books were recommended to me by my wife, who is doing EMDR and Internal Family Systems (IFS) with her therapist.

I have to be honest at first when my wife mentioned IFS to me I couldn't relate at all.  Since I started therapy four months ago, and I started reading Dr. Schwarz's books, I can see the importance of parts work because I can relate to a very loud "inner critic,"  and a deeply wounded part inside of me.  I realize that IFS is just another language,  and Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles are just labels to name inner realities keeping us protected, controlled, or acting out. 

I personally did not do any of the exercises in the books.  But I talked with my therapist about the books, and I told her that eventually I would like to explore the parts, their purposes, and ways to get to understand inner child work.  I was wondering if any of you had any experience with IFS, or have opinions about IFS's place in C-PTSD therapy?  I welcome any perspectives on this modality.  I am still starting on my healing journey, and I am currently reading about all kinds of therapy modalities like EMDR, CBT, DBT, Somatic Experiencing (SE), Component Based Psychotherapy (CBP), and everything I missed.

[shadowdays]

I have a basic understanding of IFS and have done a few IFS activities here and there from individual and group therapy sessions. For me, I think it has been very helpful in "unwinding the ball of yarn" of trauma that is lodged in my broken soul. My CPTSD is so muddy that I feel like a blurred mess on the inside but look perfectly normal on the outside. There was one activity that involved talking to my inner child, protectors, and other parts. I think it was helpful to separate the parts and see who needs more attention/care. I have both of the books you mentioned but haven't read them through (my focus is messed up lol). Most of the IFS work has been in bits and pieces but I would love to have full sessions with a certified IFS therapist. Let me know what learned from IFS and your thoughts!

[Baldorin]

For me, I think it has been very helpful in "unwinding the ball of yarn" of trauma that is lodged in my broken soul. My CPTSD is so muddy that I feel like a blurred mess on the inside but look perfectly normal on the outside.

I can relate shadowdays.  I am 63 years old and just now beginning to work on myself.  For years I was "functional" on the outside, working on a graduate degree, pursuing a professional career, and being married for 29 years.  I was so steeped in fawning (Pete Walker's four F's, Flight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn), and completely intellectual.  My lack of emotions was easily explained away by an old German stereo type myth (Germans don't show emotions), so most people never noticed that I was numb inside.  In my professional environment fawning was seen as a positive trait and gave me great success, and praise form others.  My "inner child" was deeply buried, my "managers" kept everything under control by making sure that I became what I needed to be for others to feel safe and keep the peace.  Like a chameleon, changing colors with every mood change.  My "firefighters" reacted under extreme stress, but over time it was easily explained away.

I am starting to apply some concepts from Dr. Schwarz's books, like mapping my parts, trying to identify, name and communicate with them.  I have not worked on the exiles yet or contacted my inner child.  But in the last four month of therapy there have been windows or cracks that opened some wounds of my past.  This is probably one of the most difficult times of my life.  At the moment I feel overwhelmed,  deeply saddened, and anxious.  Old thought patterns have emerged that scare me.  I go from numbness, to out of control weeping, to racing thoughts.  It is deeply disturbing to me, and the cause of multiple sleepless night.

I plan on working on this some more, but I have to be careful and work with my therapist slowly.  I had no idea how deeply I buried everything.  And parts work has the potential to re-traumatize me, if I am not careful and allow the process to develop slowly.  That said, I find IFS facinating and I can relate to parts work both academically, intellectually, and spiritually.

[dollyvee]

Hi Baldorin,

I came across IFS through peoples' posts on this forum and had an understanding of how it was used though their experiences. For me, it was one of the first things that actually connected me to my emotions, or what was "on the other side." I had been in therapy for quite some time, and as is the problem with therapy sometimes, is that they will continue in the modality that they're working in, and because I was so good at intellectualizing what was going on, this lack of connection wasn't picked up on I think. But I progressed with it on my own and did some group courses with other people.

The issue for me, is that (I think) because I grew up in an NPD family, there was no self, or the self was "removed" from a very early age. So, being able to access Self was a challenge, or didn't feel stable. Joanne Twombly goes into this a bit more in Trauma and Dissociation Informed IFS where one needs to work on grounding first (can't remember the exact phrase that's used). It was a process to follow as my "IFS" didn't really show up in the nice, 1,2,3 easy steps as the books lay out. It has opened my mind quite a bit and led me to some interesting ideas though.

Jay Earley has an interesting book about the Inner Critic as well if you're interested.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

I came across IFS though this forum. The formal management structure does not gel with me but the general principles of parts does. I am definitely aware of two inner children who play active roles and probably occupy some of the positions described in IFS. I am just now thinking I might be coming across another. These are children at different ages. I have personally found Janina Fisher more accessible when considering parts.

[Baldorin]

I have personally found Janina Fisher more accessible when considering parts.

I did not know that author NarcKiddo.  I just checked out her website and her books on Amazon, she sounds interesting. I think it's awesome that you identified some inner children parts.  I had very small glimpses of a inner child who kept wanting me to check out different rooms in the old German house I grew up in.  But I kept getting very intense anxious thoughts and I stopped.
I also was wondering if there are multiple inner child parts in us?  Your experience shows that there are.  I find all of this very curious and difficult. Thank you for sharing your experience NarcKiddo. At this point I find Dr. Schwarz's book is helping me to at least look at some of my parts.  Obviously it is just a different language to name inner realities, and there are a ton of therapy modalities for people.  Human beings are unique and respond to diffrent approaches.

[Baldorin]

I was so good at intellectualizing what was going on, this lack of connection wasn't picked up on I think.

That is a great point dollyvee, I can totally relate to that.  I intellectualize everything to keep me from accessing or allowing any emotions to come to the surface.  I am very fortunate to have found a therapist that has dealt with those issues herself.  I have only started therapy four month ago, so I am fairly new to this.  But as soon as I started therapy, I went on a rumination trip from *.  I watched every video, read every book I could get a hold off, and researched a ton of articles, trying to figure it out.  Without ever getting in touch with all of the emotions that were trying to push to the surface.  My therapist had to challenge me to slow down, give it time.  I had to keep reminding me over and over, that it is ok to not have any answers.  it felt like I am going crazy.

there was no self, or the self was "removed" from a very early age. So, being able to access Self was a challenge, or didn't feel stable

Yes that is so true, I am struggling with that right now.  I feel like a total fake, I have no idea who I am.  I spend most of my life as a chameleon, changing colors for what ever mood I sensed in the room.  I know for me this will be a long process.  Thank you for sharing dollyvee. 

[dollyvee]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with those things as well Baldorin. It's been a very effective tool for me to help survive. I've also been trying to piece together if part of my adopting the moods of others is perhaps a bit of me being on the autistic spectrum, but this is a fairly new rabbit hole.

I guess my only other thought with IFS that has been effective for me looking back, is to (let go) and trust what it shows you even if you don't understand it at the time. Because, as above, the mind is probably trying to make sense of things from a very early age and those patterns are deeply entrenched. For me, I think a lot of that is preverbal where things show up as sensations, or colors, and it wasn't necessarily a comprehensible part that I could speak with.

I also feel that there's something about IFS that goes beyond our "known" and comfortable world with roots back to shamanism for example. I think that can also be difficult to incorporate if we are used to looking at the world in a "fixed" way.

Sending you support for your journey,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

I feel like a total fake, I have no idea who I am.  I spend most of my life as a chameleon, changing colors for what ever mood I sensed in the room. 

This very much resonates. And it is very strange to be getting to know oneself decades on.

I struggled with the idea of parts at first which was introduced to me in the concept of the inner child. The whole thing seemed bizarre intellectually and smacked of total insanity, hearing voices and whatnot. I was brought up in an age and a FOO that was terrified of 'madness' and had some very weird ideas about it. Of course society knows more know than it did then.

I did just want to touch on experiencing emotions, though that is not directly related to the IFS discussion, because there are aspects of the emotions I feel that I now recognise as emanating from an inner child or an emotional flashback. The emotion is far stronger than the actual situation might warrant (utter rage and despair when my husband has done half a job and then got distracted, for example) and/or if the emotion is very unpleasant or painful and feels like it will NEVER go away unless I do something to make it go away. Those are the exact times when I need to sit with the emotion and let it pass. It will pass much quicker than if I try to manipulate it. But boy is that hard to do! The inner child is the one feeling like the emotion will never go away and adult me is the one who has to try to help them through until it passes.

[Baldorin]

Those are the exact times when I need to sit with the emotion and let it pass. It will pass much quicker than if I try to manipulate it. But boy is that hard to do! The inner child is the one feeling like the emotion will never go away and adult me is the one who has to try to help them through until it passes.

I can relate with what you wrote Narckiddo. I need to learn how to sit with my emotion. I am learning that I spend my entire life not allowing myself to feel anything.  And now that I am in therapy I am getting flooded with flashbacks, and old thought patterns that scare me.  I have so much anxiety at the moment, as if my inner child is afraid to deal with those emotions.  I read book after book, and watch videos on therapy modalities, but I can't figure out the answers. I know I need to sit with the uncertainty, and having no answers, and learn how to be ok with that.