TW: Relieving the abuse

[Doglover95]

Let me start by saying trigger warning.

So I started getting flashbacks in January, one I started getting was abuse I had experienced in childhood.

Emotional abuse from my mother and then I remembered something happening with my Step father.

The flashbacks start as little bits, bits come and go and I get little bits at the time and then more and more.

Well I was in bits when I first had these flashbacks, obviously it's not something anyone wants to remember.

But I made the decision to tell the police, at least to have it on record.
Well it got to the point where they asked me what I wanted to do and I thought long and hard about the decision and hat it could blow my life up. I made the decision to go forward with the investigation.

So they took my account and I told them I spoke to mother the day after it happened and was told "don't worry it was an accident just forget about it) so I told the police this. They said they would need to speak to my mother about this so I asked could I tell her first, they let me.

I did a whole plan with my partner to go and tell my mother what I remembered. So we went and I told her, I gave her basic information about what happened.

Well that was a month ago, and in that month she's messaged me once asking me if I'm going to her birthday at the end of this month.

Well ive had the police reach out to me and this week and tell me that they've spoken to my mother and she's told them she remembers me telling her the morning after.

And here's the kicker, she also told them that my stepfather disclosed to her what had happened as well the same morning.

Well since I've been getting the flashbacks I've worked my arse off to get better, I was picked up by police at the beginning of June as I didn't want to be here anymore and since then I've done everything I can to stay on the right track.

Well since I've been told this information I can't stop reliving it over and over again, it makes me feel worse about everything and the whole situation.

I guess I'm wondering has anyone had any experience in dealing with this, or got any ideas for this.

[zen_racer]

Hi Doglover95, I can relate to a small portion of this.  The part about getting memories back that I don't want back.  I've had a few rounds of flashbacks, all relating to the worst few months of my life.  Little by little.  But those experiences weren't the type to go to the police for.  I haven't gone through that process.  For my experiences, it wasn't just one parent or person that caused my trauma, it was everyone in my family taking an active role.  For me, my goal is to just stop letting them play any role in my life.

Your post here a little complex in the people involved, the situations since that happened.  Could you maybe clarify a little bit on which part you're asking for ideas on? 

[NarcKiddo]

I am so sorry that your mother heard what you told her, had it corroborated by the perpetrator, and still did nothing. I can very much understand why it makes you feel worse about everything. It is a gross betrayal.

It sounds like the police are being supportive of you and I am glad about that.

Have you a therapist to help you work through this? I have no experience, and no ideas other than to remind you to be kind to yourself and to know that no emotion you might feel about the subject is bad even if it is unpleasant. I think there are likely to be a lot of differing emotions coming up for you as you process this.

[Kizzie]

since I've been told this information I can't stop reliving it over and over again, it makes me feel worse about everything and the whole situation.

 I am so sorry for what happened to you DogLover  The thought I had about your situation and how you're feeling is that maybe it's because there has not really been any resolution despite the police being involved and you doing your level best to move things forward.

Would you be able to confront your M for not doing anything about what happened to you and tell her directly, face-to-face how that makes you feel? And maybe do the same with your SF? As for the police perhaps you could check in with them as to why they haven't done anything? Finally, you might also want to talk to a lawyer (there are some who do pro bono work) about what you can do from a legal standpoint. You do not have to simply let this go away as it sounds like those involved would like to have happen. It makes it easier for them but not for you so you may need to fight on to get a result. You have what sounds like a supportive partner so you wouldn't be totally alone.       

[Blueberry]

None of the abuse I went through at the hands of FOO is of the kind you could go to the police over. Too subtle.

I did confront my parents on part of it. They went into sarcastic denial and I ended up retraumatised and badly dissociated for a few weeks. So if you do confront, please be stable beforehand and have no expectations of your parents. They're likely to hurt you again emotionally. They're not likely to be sorry or anything like that.

[Doglover95]

I'm not sure how I feel about confronting them, I felt sick when I last saw my SF (I wasn't having the flashbacks then). I'm supposed to see my M for her birthday next weekend but I don't want to go now, I don't want to be near her.

I was dealing with the flashbacks, I was doing good and working on myself, since I've found out this the flashbacks have gotten worse, I've had shakes again (I haven't had them for at least a month)

I do have a therapist and she's been beeh great going through everything with me, as far as I'm aware the police are about to interview my SF in relation to it.

[HannahOne]

Hi Doglover95. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through.

I'm glad to read you are in therapy. I hope you can stay in therapy.

There are a few things that can help with flashbacks. Nothing works perfectly or all the time, so step one is, strangely, not to fight it. Allowing the thoughts, feelings, sensations or images of the flashbacks to be present can actually make them easier to tolerate. Sometimes it helps to literally open your hands and tell myself, "I am willing to know this right now."

Grounding can be helpful. I never find advice to "breathe" very useful but that's what people always say to do. Focusing on your breath can help. If that makes it worse, you can focus on the feeling of your feet against the ground, your back against the chair. All while allowing.

Sometimes it helps to step outside and take a walk, take a hot back or cold shower, drink cold water or sip hot tea, or roll up tight in a blanket---anything to get more input into your senses.

Humans have a "dive reflex" where if you put very dcold water on your face and back of your neck, it can actually change your physiology. It's worth trying if you want to interrupt the flashback and try to change your state.

In the larger picture what helps is therapy, reprocessing the trauma. Writing it out and then tearing up the paper is a way you can do it on your own; your therapist can also help you, via EMDR, ADEP or other trauma processing modalities.

Being involved the the police, talking to your mother etc is sure to stir things up more, so this is in that way "normal" and to be expected, not that that makes it easier to cope with. If you are feeling overwhelmed with flashbacks it might make sense to wait to confront further until you feel better, but your therapist is best to advise you on that. 

[HannahOne]

PS for what it's worth you have this survivor's full support not to see your mother this weekend! If you feel you must you could send a text or card, claim you have a cold and don't want to make people sick, or go out of town for the day. Whatever you need to do to create space for yourself that feels safe. Right now, it is not about her!

[NarcKiddo]

 

For sure give yourself permission not to see your M next weekend and make whatever excuse is easiest on you. You are the priority right now.

You have taken a huge, brave step in involving the police, facing up to your past and forcing others to face up to it too. I'm very glad to read that you have a helpful therapist. Since the flashbacks have got worse for now, and the shakes have come back, it seems to me like your nervous system has more than enough to process. Confrontation of your M or your SF may be something you want to do at some point and it is totally your decision whether, and when, you do that. But it seems to me there is no hurry. The police are doing their job. You can applaud yourself for telling the police, and let them get on with it while you concentrate on caring for yourself. Maybe it might help to remind yourself that the horrible flashbacks are things that happened to you as a child. That child had no protection then but does have protection now. Your SF cannot abuse you ever again. You are safe. Your adult self is brave and protective and has proved that by going to the police.

[Blueberry]

PS for what it's worth you have this survivor's full support not to see your mother this weekend! If you feel you must you could send a text or card, claim you have a cold and don't want to make people sick, or go out of town for the day. Whatever you need to do to create space for yourself that feels safe. Right now, it is not about her!

 

I would say one of the actions on my part that has prolonged my recovery was remaining in too much contact with FOO for too long, and also after minimising contact, going back into contact too early, which really means before I was stable enough. I now think I will never be stable enough. The latter might not be the case for you, but please allow yourself to put yourself first.

[Doglover95]

PS for what it's worth you have this survivor's full support not to see your mother this weekend! If you feel you must you could send a text or card, claim you have a cold and don't want to make people sick, or go out of town for the day. Whatever you need to do to create space for yourself that feels safe. Right now, it is not about her!

 

I would say one of the actions on my part that has prolonged my recovery was remaining in too much contact with FOO for too long, and also after minimising contact, going back into contact too early, which really means before I was stable enough. I now think I will never be stable enough. The latter might not be the case for you, but please allow yourself to put yourself first.

Yeah I don't think I'll be in much contact with her, I certainly won't see her after this weekend. I've already removed her from things that would give her regular contact with me.

I'm terrified for tomorrow but I discussed it with my therapist and if I don't go then I'll lose too much whereas if I go then I can handle it my way.

[Blueberry]

I'm terrified for tomorrow but I discussed it with my therapist and if I don't go then I'll lose too much whereas if I go then I can handle it my way.

I wish you all the best. It's good you discussed with your therapist. They know you a lot better than I do!