Family cult

[Marcine]

The high control, coercive, authoritarian, exploitative environment in my family of origin was normalized from day 1.

Deliberate suppression of individual autonomy, punishment of any questioning or setting the tiniest unauthorized boundary, controlling access to all resources, financial learned helplessness, loyalty conditioning, cultivating fear, engineered scarcity, forcing complete emotional and physical service to the parents, keeping bad secrets, unethical manipulations to enforce obedience, isolation from the outside world to create total dependence, cultivating a socially acceptable false family image to avoid accountability, pitting impossible choice of enmeshment/engulfed OR rejection/death, brainwashing to believe that survival outside the family was impossible.

Despite it all, I got out. By the skin of my teeth. Now, after decades of determined de-programming, I have the clarity to call it what it was: a cult.

I had thought cults were always religiously affiliated. I am posting here to say that is not always the case. Like most things, cult-like behavior exists on a spectrum.

But for sure, a group that uses fear, guilt, psychological pressure, or unquestionable authority to enforce obedience and suppress self is exploitative and anti-love. No matter what words the group cloaks itself in.

There is a special dark place saved for people that target and coerce children.

Thank you for offering the space to speak this truth that I've held alone for so long.

[zen_racer]

Marcine, I've only read this about 10-15 minutes ago.  I wanted to reflect on this a bit before I responded, so I did a little stretching with some soft piano music.  The more I think about this, the more I think I relate and resonate with this.  I haven't thought about my family in relation to a cult, but it all sounds so familiar.  My earliest memory from around 3 years old maybe is of my parents for a while using my age and developmental stages as the basis for ridicule and jokes at my expense because they thought I was too young to understand that they were taking advantage of being adults taunting me.  I can only guess that their mistreatment started from day 1.

Deliberate suppression of individual autonomy, punishment of any questioning or setting the tiniest unauthorized boundary, controlling access to all resources, financial learned helplessness, loyalty conditioning, cultivating fear, engineered scarcity, forcing complete emotional and physical service to the parents, keeping bad secrets, unethical manipulations to enforce obedience, isolation from the outside world to create total dependence, cultivating a socially acceptable false family image to avoid accountability, pitting impossible choice of enmeshment/engulfed OR rejection/death, brainwashing to believe that survival outside the family was impossible.

The person in my family responsible for this behavior, my M, still to this day refuses to ever acknowledge me as a capable adult person, and constantly projects this idea that I'm lost and helpless and require her to explain everything, to approve everything, and lashes out at any and all reminders that I am, in fact, a whole complete person that has excelled at most things I've done.  I guess I've always wanted to believe that maybe her and I just see things differently, and that there wasn't malice in her intention (except for situations where it was impossible to believe otherwise).  That maybe it was because she was going through her own things.  But she has absolutely done everything she could to try to enforce this enmeshment and dependence and punished me for ever showing any kind of strength or individuality, all the way till now with me being 50 years old.

Thank you for putting this perspective here for me to see.  It might help me move forward and be even more comfortable with going extremely low contact or no contact, and recognize how unsafe her influence is.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you have seen and spoken the truth, Marcine. And I am very, very glad you got out.

[HannahOne]

You don't have to hold it alone, Marcine.

And others will come along in the future and find their truth spoken here too, or parts of it. Thank you for that.

My family also had cult dynamics, my F was "the King" he regularly proclaimed, and no deviance from his thought programming was allowed. All glory was his at all times. I didn't cast a vote in an election until I was 35, so scared was I to deviate, even though he'd never know! I wasn't even able to cogitate what I thought about politics until I was long out of there.

The wider family web on one side was isolationist and thought-controlling, homeschooling to prevent outside ideas from coming in, and demanding of obedience and feats to show fealty. They used the Christian religion to enforce and enhance, but didn't really believe the religion.

I feel growing up in these dynamics led me into cults as a young adult, I was in a yoga cult for a few. years, thinking I was rebelling only to discover the same dynamics as my Christian upbringing, then a Christian cult, in a return to my roots. And yes, cults don't have to be religious.

As a survivor of relational trauma cults can be appealing as they seem to offer belonging and a clear path to it, and the loss of identity that comes with that process feels familiar. Cult dynamics also impair one's ability to think clearly because of all the thought-stopping behaviors you're constantly taught to do. 

All the more to honor your post and your experience, so clearly laid out and thought through, a testament to your survival and the healing you committed to.

 

[TheBigBlue]

Marcine, thank you for sharing this.

I am struck by the extraordinary clarity and insight you've gained through decades of courage, questioning, analyzing, grieving, and de-programming.

To grow up in a system designed to suppress your autonomy, enforce dependence, and convince you that survival outside of it was impossible ... and yet you got out, and then spent decades doing the hard work of healing, that is remarkable.

I also really appreciate you pointing out that cult dynamics exist on a spectrum and don't have to be religious. I suspect that insight may help many people recognize experiences they've struggled to make sense of.

Thank you for speaking this truth so clearly.

[SenseOrgan]

Congratulations for finding words for this Marcine, and thank you for sharing them here. It deeply touches me you arrived at this point. What a journey. In my mind, finally being able to call it what it is marks the end of the spell. Freedom. It's most subtle aspects perhaps run the deepest. It takes an immense dedication to shine the light of truth on them too. Decades of liberating. I admire your commitment to you. The one who didn't comply with being erased from day one. And I suspect also the one who knew before it clicked as a narrative.

Your words resonate with me too in ways I struggle to capture in language. A term that comes to mind is "shared reality". Someone wrote that in a book about trauma. Part of healing is finding our way to our sovereignty, which exists outside of that what was forced upon us as reality by our abusers. I don't have the clarity you have. And I know there is a there there for me in what you wrote. Thank you for planting this seed.

Much love

[Dalloway]

Marcine,
thank you for sharing this. I can find similarities between what you write about and my upbringing. Especially the keeping bad secrets and the isolation from the outside world to create total dependence part. All my childhood and teenage years me and my sisters were told by our mother that people in the outside world are bad and they will hurt us as soon as they get the chance, so we need to be very careful in what we say about our family life in the public. I quickly learned that there are things allowed to say freely and the family stuff that would get me in trouble if I said them out loud. Not only it created the false dichotomy of us vs. them but it also made me feel that I was responsible for the lives of every member of the family. I genuinely believed that my words could kill the ones I loved. This created a horrible sense of guilt and extreme responsibility in me as a child that I still carry with me. It also disconnected me from the world and the people in it and made me distrust every one "out there". It was psychological torture and abuse, as I can clearly see now. Your courage to name it and see it for what it is/was gives me hope that by doing so we can remove the stigma and also its power over us. So thank you.