Empathy used As A Weapon

[Alexandra]

Hello ; There are two kinds of empathy, thinking, I understand how you feel, and emotional, I feel what you feel. My so-called mother used empathy as a weapon, to get me to take care of her , and always feel sorry for her , she went on and on with her stories of her as victim , of course she had neither kind of empathy for me . I real safe having thinking empathy , because, if the person starts to use me, I can back off, emotional empathy, feels dangerous , to me, too involving, and I do have my doubts as to whether people can really feel what another person feels, anyway. How's do other people feel ?

[zen_racer]

Alexandra, even just reading the subject of this post, "Empathy used As A Weapon", I immediately pictured my mother.  Really, everyone in my family used my empathy as a weapon against me, or used to manipulate me.  My brother loved it if he could find something that I was emotionally empathetic about, because he could use it to cause me more pain and or anguish.  I think I've fallen victim to a lot of people using my empathy against me, and it's worked because I was raised to think it was normal.

I'm sorry that you've had family use your empathy against you too. 

[NarcKiddo]

I think when you have experiences like we have had, you find a way to sometimes be able to feel into what empathy is safe and what isn't. I don't think there is anything wrong with not having emotional empathy if it feels dangerous. If you still have the thinking empathy you are going to treat the person nicely, I guess.

I never used to cry at really sad things, I was just numb. Then I watched a sad film with my friend when I was 15 and the floodgates opened and now I experience emotional empathy as well as thinking empathy. Not all the time, and of course you are right that you can't really feel exactly what someone else is feeling. But if someone cries, even in the movies, I often want to cry myself. However, when my mother cries (which is rare) I feel nothing. I do not want to comfort her. I recently read in "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" that emotionally immature people will often act out an emotion to suit the narrative rather than actually feeling it, and the children of these people can sense that. Reading that statement made me feel much better about apparently not caring if my mother cries.

However it is of course not always easy to tell if someone is faking it or using us and when FOO is using our empathy as a weapon we are also conditioned by them to display it.

[Kizzie]

My so-called mother used empathy as a weapon, to get me to take care of her , and always feel sorry for her, she went on and on with her stories of her as victim , of course she had neither kind of empathy for me

It's so healthy IMO that you recognize she does this Alexandra. I have to admit that I have lost empathy and patience for people who are like this because now I recognize what they are doing whereas before I jumped through hoops to help them.

I think you nailed it when you said she does not have empathy for you and that's one of their tells. (And I'm sorry your M doesn't return the empathy, that hurts I know.) The other tell I've found is that they never do anything to help themselves with whatever it is they're telling you about, they just keep telling their stories over and over as you say.

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned life is too short to waste time on those who do this even--or maybe especially-- if it is your M.     

[Alexandra]

Hello ; Empathy, has to be a personal choice , not forced or manipulated, people choose whom they have empathy for ,my so-called mother had empathy for criminals .none for victims ,All of the times, that I have been victimized by violence ,it has always been the criminal who gets the empathy not me, the victim , there have to be limits, and boundaries, on empathy, otherwise it is suicidal empathy, if I am being attacked ,I would be an idiot to have empathy for the person attacking me, self defense is my goal, also thinking through the consequences of the empathy, is it really good for the other person or only, something that makes the person who is empathizing feel good.