Mother and biology

[Alexandra]

Hello While I am biologically related to my so-called mother, I feel no connection to her, she is a total stranger, I hear about the importance of the biological connection between mother and child, how adopted children will go in search of their biological mother, I do not understand ,why the biological connection matters so much, obviously, it may well not produce a caring relationship, nor prevent severe abuse, and yet people place so much importance on it , I do wonder how a biological connection feels ,I guess it is just something else, I have been left out of.

[Blueberries Scone]

Hi Alexandra,

like you, I do know my biological M. but she is not a parent to me. In my opinion, biology does not matter at all. I may not be the best person to say this, but I think believing that a biological link is essential can sometimes be a surface-level idea.

From my point of view, when we look for answers through biology, maybe what we are really searching for is something more psychological—like understanding why we were abandoned or not wanted.

It might simply be that we are trying to answer deeper, unconscious questions about our identity.

In my case, I know my biological relatives, but my family is really just my biological sister and a close friend. My biological m has always pushed me down rather than lifted me up. Once, she called me to ask for money. I told her I did not have any because I had medical expenses from recurring infections. She replied, "Better you than me."

So it is hard for me to see biology as something that important.

Maybe biology is important to some people because it reassures them in some way—I am not sure. But I do think it is more complex than that.

What matters most i think ,is how you feel about it. Do you wish you had a stronger connection with your biological mother?

[NarcKiddo]

I find the biological connection to be repellant. It appalls me when I think that I was inside that woman for nine months and I try to avoid contemplating that. I hate the fact I look similar to her.

I can understand why people might want to know their biological history for practical reasons, such as hereditary medical issues. I can also understand the curiosity of adopted children as to what the biological parent might be like. They may well struggle with traits that do not quite seem to fit into the adoptive household, however loving. I have friends who were adopted and who have found their mothers. One went on to have a long and fruitful relationship with her even though he also had a very loving relationship with the adoptive parents, and he never wanted to seek out the biological mother until the adoptive parents died. Another ended up having a very difficult home life with the adoptive parents and when she found her biological mother there was no connection whatever. They did not remain in contact.

[Kizzie]

I used to watch a few shows about adults searching for their birth mothers and when they found them in most cases for both parties there was a huge feeling of a hole in their hearts finally being filled.

I stopped watching because I knew I would never have that, but it did show me what I was searching for. I had my birth M and yet there was a huge whole hole in my heart because she did not love me. I realized I would never fill that particular hole and it caused me such grief when I looked at it square on. Until then I was holding on to hope that one day she would love me but I knew finally that wasn't going to be the case. That was really painful but it  freed me and now I have learned to live with it.

I wish we didn't have to live with these losses.     

[Alexandra]

Hello Thank you Kizzie, NarcKiddo, and Blueberries  Scone , for your replies ,to this issue which puzzles me, I was always afraid of my so- called mother , she was so cold, and  distant  I never expected a warm relationship with her, I was hoping  that at least she would do her job, food ,clothing and not be abusive, however she could not even manage that ,frankly, the idea of my so-called mother loving me terrifies me, when I was little, I used to dream of her as a wild tiger stalking me , once I told her ,of my recurring dream ,she said " not to worry that is me", I am lucky in that I do not resemble ,my mother, I assume that biology only matters if a mother connects with her child on an emotional level , which neither mine nor your mothers did. It seems to me based on my experience , that it is not, a good idea , to look ,to be loved, it makes me much to vulnerable ,if I get love well and good ,if not so be it and before you  entertain the idea of letting  someone love you ,or you loving them, it is a good idea, to check them out as to their belief system and their character , too bad , we can not interview our mothers to see if they deserve the title, mother .LOL

[Kizzie]

we can not interview our mothers to see if they deserve the title

Amen to that Alexandra, otherwise there would be a pile of them without jobs 

[NarcKiddo]

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