A poem from long ago

[zen_racer]

Someone here reminded me of poetry by talking about doing a reading.  I don't know why, but I started looking through an old journal.  I am very specifically not reading any journal entries.  I think maybe this poem is a good example of why.  I didn't know I'd find such a perfect example of already living with the trauma.  That's not what I was trying to find.  But this is the first poem that doesn't make me groan with how bad it is.  I don't think it's good, but ... yeah.  Anyway, it's from October 1999.

Bear Witness, Keep Silent
With a heart,
once passionate, gentle, and caring,
now turned to stone,
I have become the world's observer.

Over great emotional distance,
I closely review,
events that I once lived,
other people now going through.

No elation at a wedding,
no joy for child birth.
Impassionate and uncaring,
I cannot join their mirth.

No happiness for playing children,
No smile for smiling face.
The place that held my feelings
is now an empty place.

No sadness at a funeral,
no grief for a passing soul.
I'm a silent somber seer,
never to be whole.

No pain for a suffering person,
no anger for their fate.
Unfeeling, I can't say a word.
Silence is my mate.

[NarcKiddo]

I don't think 'good' or 'bad' applies when you are expressing yourself with raw honesty, no matter what the medium. This poem vividly communicates your emotional experience. I'm glad you found it because it seems to me that it is giving you a clear insight into your situation without you having to review more disturbing journal entries.

Thank you so much for sharing it.

[Kizzie]

It says it all doesn't it, how you felt so long ago but didn't really understand until much later on? Even when we stuff our feelings as your poem suggests we do know on some level something is wrong, that we stand apart from others because we can't feel our feelings. It really is a perfect example of living with trauma while not knowing that's what is the issue.

Thanks for sharing.   

[zen_racer]

Thank you NK and Kizzie.  I'm glad I don't have to read the regular journal entries as well.

Kizzie, thank you for reframing that for me, my own brain wasn't being as nice.  It is a perfect example of living with trauma while not knowing that's the issue.

[Kizzie]