Do I exist ?

[Alexandra]

Hello ; Starting When I was small, I did not exist ,to other people, it felt indescribably painful , I was not real to other people, I felt like yelling "I exist I exist", at the top of lungs. I knew somehow, that ,even though I did not exist for others, I did exist ,I was a being, I existed ,when I was by myself. Is the issue of not existing , to other people something others here have experienced .

[Blueberry]

For me it was more the opposite  - I wondered as a child if I really existed, or if I was maybe somebody else without any kind of idea who the somebody else could be. That would be derealisation or depersonalisation. I tended to wonder about it when I was alone.

That doesn't mean your experience is invalid though, not at all. Cptsd leads to complex stuff.

You sound very strong in fact, wanting to shout so loudly that you exist! Even if you didn't actually do so then, it sounds as if the core of your being knew and knows that you do!

[Kizzie]

Hi Alexandra - From my 11 years here at OOTS, I know it's quite common that when we are not seen/nurtured/or made to feel we belong and are loved, when we are abused or neglected, we tend to submerge who we are in the face of that which is so painful and devastating. So you are not alone in this, many of us felt as you did and I agree it is so incredibly painful. Submerging was our way of not feeling the unthinkable, that we did not really matter to those who were supposed to love and protect and nurture us. Some of us ended up doing it all the time though and finding ourselves takes such a long time in recovery.

I agree with BB that knowing you did exist despite being made to feel you didn't was (and is) powerful antidote to that sense of being nothing to your abusers or in this world.     
     

[Alexandra]

Hello Kizze ; Thank you for your post, I now understand what was the most painful part, of having to put the cat out ( I wrote a recovery letter about it), the reality, that I did not exist, to anyone  , was almost unbearable. I appreciate you saying that ,that I knew I existed is an antidote to not existing to others .

[Kizzie]