Hello

[Blueberries Scone]

Hello everyone, I'm Blueberries Scone (I'm crazy about scones).

I'm glad I found this website because I feel very lonely in my life. Here is my story (I'll try to keep it short).

I don't have parents in the emotional sense. I didn't know what a real parent was until I met my ex's parents two years ago, and I'm 34.

I was abused by my cousins when I was around 8 years old, and it continued into my teenage years. It stopped when I was able to avoid family gatherings, around 15 or 16. I faced everything alone as a child because I couldn't trust anyone.

I have a younger sister, and I protect her as much as I can. She sees me as a mother figure because ours was only there to provide food and clothes. It could have been worse, I know, but both of my biological parents treated me more like a secretary. They never asked if I was okay, mostly just telling me what to do for them.

Seven years ago, doctors and a psychiatrist diagnosed me with autism. It helped me understand why it has always been so difficult for me to make friends, and how much I have suffered.

When I was 16, my biological parent sent me alone to a foreign country, Tunisia, to meet a 21-year-old man and his family. I didn't know them. I could have been in serious danger, but no one seemed to care. It was terrible, but I came back alive.

Anyway, I'll stop here for now because this is already long.

 I just want to say that it took me more than 20 years to talk about the abuse and rape with my psychiatrist and therapist.

Since then (three months ago), I can't sleep. I have nightmares. I feel alone. I feel like I want to erase the images and memories that are coming back. Things I had forgotten are resurfacing, and it disgusts me.


Sometimes I feel like giving up on life because it is so hard to live with this past, and I have no one in my present except my therapist and psychiatrist.

That's why I was looking for a place to share with people who might understand me, and to help each other.

[zen_racer]

Welcome Blueberries Scone.  I'm sorry for what you went through, and I'm sorry that it's so present in your mind now.  I relate to some of what you said myself.  I have only just found out about cptsd, and just today I saw a therapist for the first time.  I've already had some flashbacks and memories resurface that I didn't want back.

I'm sorry that I don't have any meaningful advice or suggestions.  I'm glad you found this forum like I did though.  Everyone here has been so nice to me.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Blueberries Scone,

I'm really glad you found your way here, though I'm very sorry for everything that led you here.

What you wrote about not really having parents "in the emotional sense," and about the emotional neglect, resonated with me deeply. Having to carry what happened to you as a child and teenager all alone for so many years sounds incredibly heavy.

I also wanted to say: the fact that memories and nightmares intensified after finally speaking about the abuse does not mean you are "doing therapy wrong." From what I've learned, sometimes things that were buried for survival start resurfacing once they are finally acknowledged and spoken aloud.

I was diagnosed 14 months ago, and for me the saying "first it gets worse before it gets better" was/is definitely true. But it has gotten better - not easy, not linear, but wave after wave.

You do not sound weak to me. You sound exhausted from carrying too much for too long.

I think you will find a lot of helpful information and understanding here, and I hope this place can feel a little less lonely over time. 💛

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm BB Scone! 

So glad you found us as I think you'll come to see that so many of us have had or are struggling with similar feelings to yours. Abuse is not pretty and runs counter to everything we consider human so it is bound to be difficult to come to terms with. We are here though so I hope you don't feel quite so alone. This is a safe place to share and members are supportive and comforting. We know what it's like when you start down the path to dealing with abuse/neglect and it can help on your end to hear about that and how others have dealt with things.

 

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.

I'm sorry you are getting horrible memories - I agree with TBB that it could well be related to being brave enough to finally speak about these things. I also believe our brains do not allow us to revisit these things until we are strong enough to deal with it. So in some ways it is a good sign that the memories are surfacing, but of course it is still not something anyone would welcome. I'm glad you have therapists to help you through.

[Blueberries Scone]

Thanks all of you for your words. It means so much to me. All your messages really cheered me up..

Zenracer, even if you don't have advice, your warm support helps me not feel alone—being listened to (well, read, in this case).


What was your first session with your therapist like? Mine was very stressful and anxiety-inducing, because it's not easy to open up to someone you don't know.


Thank you for your words, TBB — you are right. I didn't realise it before, but yes, I really feel exhausted from carrying a burden that's almost too big for me. I can even feel it in my body.

I'm sorry to hear that you also grew up without emotionally supportive parents. It's really hard, because you have to learn to face the world on your own. I hope you're doing better now.

In my case, I think I will stop having contact with them... or at least try. It's not an easy thing to do.


Oh, and I like the nickname "BB Scone" — it actually made me smile; I find it quite cute.

Thank you again for everything you said you all.❤️♥️❣️ It 's something to my heart. 🥺

[zen_racer]

BB Scone,

It was so nice reading your response here.  I'm happy to see that your introduction turned out to be as warm as inviting at it was for me when I joined.  It really does help, and I already can't thank everyone here enough.

I appreciate you asking.  It was weird.  We sort of skimmed over a lot of stuff, sometimes he'd ask more questions but we never really dug deep into any particular subject.  It did give me a little hope.  For me, it wasn't stressful, but I did start having emotional responses to some of the things we talked about, so probably some anxiety from that.

I'm sorry you can't sleep.  I relate to that so much.  Also wanting to forget the memories, in my case that came up since talking with the therapist. 

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Blueberries Scone or BB Scone Nice to meet another Blueberry/-ies! I'm shortened to BB on here.

I'm sorry you had such a difficult time growing up, including being sent to a foreign country at a young age. It's good you got out alive, but the fact you mention that tells me how hard it was.

I think it's fairly common for us on this forum to grow up without emotional support from parents. That, or with very poor support. So I think you'll find a lot of people on the forum will at least sort of understand and relate.

I'm glad you've found a therapist and I hope you feel less anxious as you get to know them better.

I hope to see more of you around the forum.