Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[Marcine]

Hi ZR,

"I don't know if I'm enough for myself."

This is poignant and hit me straight in the heart. Personally, I don't always know for sure if I'm enough for myself.

The old default settings tell me I'm not.
With conscious effort and reality check-ins, I can entertain the notion that I am enough.

This awareness requires my discipline and is a daily practice. With no finish line. I accept this.

[zen_racer]

I've been walking around in an emotional hangover from this morning all day today.  I can't tell if I'm feeling sad, or the same thing as this morning but just a lot less of it.

SanMagic and NK, thank you for what you wrote.  I'm still getting teary when reading both of you saying that I am enough.  Logically, I know the truth of what you're saying, but I don't really see it as being true.

SenseOrgan, thank you for that.  I've really liked that movie, and I remembered that was in it, but I hadn't remembered that part until I watched that video you posted.

I guess I see it as two separate things.  I can see I deserve self compassion, but I was taught as a child that it was bad, that it made me a bad person and selfish, and there were threats of abandonment and punishment for being so selfish.  So now I try to do that, and mentally I have a reaction like I'm trying to put my hand on a hot stove in a sense.  Part of me is certain that it's inherently dangerous to choose myself over my abusers.

And maybe, in some generic sense, I was enough.  But I wasn't enough for them.  They taught me to not be enough for myself.

Marcine, I'm sorry that you relate to what I wrote.  It's insidious, and I wish none of us knew how this feels.

I'm sorry everyone, I'm not having a good night, and feel like I'm spiraling.

My session with the T didn't go well, and I think I need to start looking for a new one.  He has no plan for treatment, and his only direction is that it seems like I'm doing good on my own, and just keep doing that.

***** Editing to add that it's morning, I'm walking into work, and feeling a bit better than last night.

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR,  to my mind, your abusers needed you to not take care of yourself, cuz that would mean standing up to them, saying 'no', and, in effect, being more difficult for them to control and steer you to where they wanted you to go, how they wanted you to be in order to serve themselves.  there's the true selfishness - it's with them, not with you. 

i've also torn apart the word 'selfish' a little bit.  i think there are 2 forms:  selfish is when you are completely self-serving, no sense of community, of sharing, of giving of your self or your resources.  on the other hand, self-ish is when you focus on your 'self', what it needs to thrive, what your boundaries are and maintaining them in order to be your best 'self', your true 'self'.  too often we were not allowed to express our true 'self', and to shut that down hard, we were told we were selfish for doing so.  it's only because we were harder to manipulate.

sorry about your T.  that doesn't sound like a very therapeutic session, if you were just told to carry on doing what you're doing.  i can see being encouraged to continue doing what's been healthy for us, but there's always so much more.  just like this whole 'selfish' fiasco, your inner fears and how to resolve them, setting goals for yourself, and on and on. 

i'm glad you're here, ZR.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Sending you some support and a hug     Glad that you're feeling a bit better than last night. 

[zen_racer]

i'm glad you're here, ZR.  love and hugs

Thank you SanMagic. I agree with a lot of what you wrote. Based on how it made me feel, I really needed to hear/see this part.

[zen_racer]

Sending you some support and a hug     Glad that you're feeling a bit better than last night. 

Thank you Hope. This means a lot, especially today.

 

[zen_racer]

This evening, I was responding to another member's post about rereading familiar stories or rewatching TV or movies because of how comfortable it makes things.  They had said something about it taking them back to a time when they felt safe.  I may have misinterpreted that statement, but it made me think about being taken back a time in childhood and feeling safe, except I recognized that to me, I didn't feel safe in childhood.  That with recognizing the patterns of abuse from back then, it was the point in my life that was most dangerous when I had no defenses against how I was treated and how I was attacked.

That's when it clicked.  That's why I'm triggered so much when my family inevitably treats me like I'm a child.  But what's more, it clicked that it's exactly why they choose to treat me that way.  Because it makes them feel powerful and in control from when they could abuse me and beat me and I couldn't do anything about it.

I had reason to talk with my M again tonight.  This time, she's known that I've been blocking her phone from calls and texts even more.  She asked about that, and I just gave a non-committal answer.  She dropped it, and was nice the whole rest of the call.  No being mean or spiteful.  No treating me like a child.  I'm not sure that it's the right take on this, but it sure feels like she know's exactly what behavior is wrong, has always known, and could have easily chosen to treat me better.  That it wasn't, as she said "that's just how I am and I won't change."

I don't believe the niceties.  She's known the whole time and didn't care in the slightest.  That's making me so angry.

It's already too late.  I won't believe in any change, and I no longer want to fix the relationship, with any of them.

I deserve better.

[TheBigBlue]

I deserve better.

 

[sanmagic7]

ditto - you definitely deserve better.

my experience w/ my abusers is that they could play 'nice' when it seemed like i was pulling away to give me a false sense of security that maybe, just maybe, there was change after all, and i could return to their fold and things would be good.  what i learned was that their 'nice' was bait to get me to bite so they could reel me in so they could begin the abuse all over again.  i fell for that one too many times.

i'm glad you're not.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you're struggling ZR. I agree with San that playing nice is a tactic often employed by abusers. My M has been doing it a lot more recently because I am pulling away and she does not want that. Of course it makes interactions more pleasant (sometimes) when she is not being openly awful but once you realise it is just a ploy the pleasantness soon slides away.

You do deserve better.

I'm sorry you had a difficult session with the T. It's early days, you've been quite stressed out, and you might be in an EF. If you are thinking about sacking a T my advice is to think it over carefully and actually bring it up to the T and see how they react. I thought about sacking mine in the early days. I did not take my own advice but I didn't sack her either and two years later I eventually told her I had nearly sacked her and why. I would also say that my T has no treatment plan mapped out. Now, in my case I am not particularly seeking one. I am very prone to wanting to be good, so as soon as I have the possibility of a program I can get gold stars for I will immediately set out to impress the 'teacher' and get the gold stars. Not saying you are the same, but I know that for me having a set program would be counter-productive. My T also is very much in the mould of making me find my own answers. It can be very annoying and frustrating when I can't find my answers but again, it is the right approach for me. If she said 'do x' I would, and then would report it was helpful even if it wasn't. I'd even believe it was helpful. I'm just putting this out there in case it is useful to you as you deliberate.