Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[Marcine]

Hi ZR,

"I don't know if I'm enough for myself."

This is poignant and hit me straight in the heart. Personally, I don't always know for sure if I'm enough for myself.

The old default settings tell me I'm not.
With conscious effort and reality check-ins, I can entertain the notion that I am enough.

This awareness requires my discipline and is a daily practice. With no finish line. I accept this.

[zen_racer]

I've been walking around in an emotional hangover from this morning all day today.  I can't tell if I'm feeling sad, or the same thing as this morning but just a lot less of it.

SanMagic and NK, thank you for what you wrote.  I'm still getting teary when reading both of you saying that I am enough.  Logically, I know the truth of what you're saying, but I don't really see it as being true.

SenseOrgan, thank you for that.  I've really liked that movie, and I remembered that was in it, but I hadn't remembered that part until I watched that video you posted.

I guess I see it as two separate things.  I can see I deserve self compassion, but I was taught as a child that it was bad, that it made me a bad person and selfish, and there were threats of abandonment and punishment for being so selfish.  So now I try to do that, and mentally I have a reaction like I'm trying to put my hand on a hot stove in a sense.  Part of me is certain that it's inherently dangerous to choose myself over my abusers.

And maybe, in some generic sense, I was enough.  But I wasn't enough for them.  They taught me to not be enough for myself.

Marcine, I'm sorry that you relate to what I wrote.  It's insidious, and I wish none of us knew how this feels.

I'm sorry everyone, I'm not having a good night, and feel like I'm spiraling.

My session with the T didn't go well, and I think I need to start looking for a new one.  He has no plan for treatment, and his only direction is that it seems like I'm doing good on my own, and just keep doing that.

***** Editing to add that it's morning, I'm walking into work, and feeling a bit better than last night.

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR,  to my mind, your abusers needed you to not take care of yourself, cuz that would mean standing up to them, saying 'no', and, in effect, being more difficult for them to control and steer you to where they wanted you to go, how they wanted you to be in order to serve themselves.  there's the true selfishness - it's with them, not with you. 

i've also torn apart the word 'selfish' a little bit.  i think there are 2 forms:  selfish is when you are completely self-serving, no sense of community, of sharing, of giving of your self or your resources.  on the other hand, self-ish is when you focus on your 'self', what it needs to thrive, what your boundaries are and maintaining them in order to be your best 'self', your true 'self'.  too often we were not allowed to express our true 'self', and to shut that down hard, we were told we were selfish for doing so.  it's only because we were harder to manipulate.

sorry about your T.  that doesn't sound like a very therapeutic session, if you were just told to carry on doing what you're doing.  i can see being encouraged to continue doing what's been healthy for us, but there's always so much more.  just like this whole 'selfish' fiasco, your inner fears and how to resolve them, setting goals for yourself, and on and on. 

i'm glad you're here, ZR.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Sending you some support and a hug     Glad that you're feeling a bit better than last night. 

[zen_racer]

i'm glad you're here, ZR.  love and hugs

Thank you SanMagic. I agree with a lot of what you wrote. Based on how it made me feel, I really needed to hear/see this part.

[zen_racer]

Sending you some support and a hug     Glad that you're feeling a bit better than last night. 

Thank you Hope. This means a lot, especially today.

 

[zen_racer]

This evening, I was responding to another member's post about rereading familiar stories or rewatching TV or movies because of how comfortable it makes things.  They had said something about it taking them back to a time when they felt safe.  I may have misinterpreted that statement, but it made me think about being taken back a time in childhood and feeling safe, except I recognized that to me, I didn't feel safe in childhood.  That with recognizing the patterns of abuse from back then, it was the point in my life that was most dangerous when I had no defenses against how I was treated and how I was attacked.

That's when it clicked.  That's why I'm triggered so much when my family inevitably treats me like I'm a child.  But what's more, it clicked that it's exactly why they choose to treat me that way.  Because it makes them feel powerful and in control from when they could abuse me and beat me and I couldn't do anything about it.

I had reason to talk with my M again tonight.  This time, she's known that I've been blocking her phone from calls and texts even more.  She asked about that, and I just gave a non-committal answer.  She dropped it, and was nice the whole rest of the call.  No being mean or spiteful.  No treating me like a child.  I'm not sure that it's the right take on this, but it sure feels like she know's exactly what behavior is wrong, has always known, and could have easily chosen to treat me better.  That it wasn't, as she said "that's just how I am and I won't change."

I don't believe the niceties.  She's known the whole time and didn't care in the slightest.  That's making me so angry.

It's already too late.  I won't believe in any change, and I no longer want to fix the relationship, with any of them.

I deserve better.

[TheBigBlue]

I deserve better.

 

[sanmagic7]

ditto - you definitely deserve better.

my experience w/ my abusers is that they could play 'nice' when it seemed like i was pulling away to give me a false sense of security that maybe, just maybe, there was change after all, and i could return to their fold and things would be good.  what i learned was that their 'nice' was bait to get me to bite so they could reel me in so they could begin the abuse all over again.  i fell for that one too many times.

i'm glad you're not.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you're struggling ZR. I agree with San that playing nice is a tactic often employed by abusers. My M has been doing it a lot more recently because I am pulling away and she does not want that. Of course it makes interactions more pleasant (sometimes) when she is not being openly awful but once you realise it is just a ploy the pleasantness soon slides away.

You do deserve better.

I'm sorry you had a difficult session with the T. It's early days, you've been quite stressed out, and you might be in an EF. If you are thinking about sacking a T my advice is to think it over carefully and actually bring it up to the T and see how they react. I thought about sacking mine in the early days. I did not take my own advice but I didn't sack her either and two years later I eventually told her I had nearly sacked her and why. I would also say that my T has no treatment plan mapped out. Now, in my case I am not particularly seeking one. I am very prone to wanting to be good, so as soon as I have the possibility of a program I can get gold stars for I will immediately set out to impress the 'teacher' and get the gold stars. Not saying you are the same, but I know that for me having a set program would be counter-productive. My T also is very much in the mould of making me find my own answers. It can be very annoying and frustrating when I can't find my answers but again, it is the right approach for me. If she said 'do x' I would, and then would report it was helpful even if it wasn't. I'd even believe it was helpful. I'm just putting this out there in case it is useful to you as you deliberate.

 

[zen_racer]

Thank you TBB, reinforcement is very helpful here.

SanMagic, thank you as well for reinforcing that I do deserve better.  I'm sorry that you know what it's like too, to get pulled back in.  One thing that I think does me a great service in remembering this is that I had moved away for 22 years.  They didn't have any option but be nice after I moved because if I just stopped answering, they'd have no access.  If they went 22 years acting or actually being nice, but then switched back to the abuse as soon as I moved back, then I already know everything I need to know.  The abuse is how they choose to treat me when nothing is forcing their hand, and they like the idea that I have no choice.

I appreciate that you shared your experience to help solidify the knowledge of what M is doing.  Love and hugs 

NK, thank you for reinforcing the stuff that my M is doing.  Thank you even more for describing how you interact with your T.  It seems like maybe my expectations are off.  I haven't done anything or said anything yet, so I guess I should be a little more patient.  I wish I knew more how it was supposed to work though.  He didn't even agree or disagree that accidentally doing emdr on myself is dangerous.  Just went off on a tangent about the potential for bilateral stimulation for other things, and then complained about having to use a worksheet when doing emdr.

I woke up feeling pretty good today, but now I'm feeling drained.  Work is going to be changing a little bit.  Not in a bad way for me, at least not with what's changing, but I'm not sure about the broader implications of it.  I was recently made an engineer.  Now all the engineers are having their priorities reorganized, and I'm going to be responsible for two of the most important production lines.  I know I'm really good at parts of what I do, but I'm still gaining traction at attending all the meetings and doing presentations.  I'm good with machines, not people. LOL. 

[sanmagic7]

ZR, i think it's just a matter of practice to be able to get better w/ people.  you didn't know everything about machines when you first began - getting used to something new, learning about it, practicing, getting better, it's all part of the process.  i have every confidence in you that you'll do really well.  i don't think promotions are given to people if there isn't faith they'll do well.  and    for your promotion!  well done!  love and hugs, my friend.

[Hope67]

Hi Zen_Racer,
I agree with SanMagic, that they don't give promotions to people if they haven't got faith in you - and I feel sure you'll meet the challenges of your new responsibilities - wishing you a relaxing evening, as I know you are feeling a bit drained.  But I hope you sleep well later and can wake feeling pretty good again, like you did this morning.   

[zen_racer]

Thank you SanMagic and Hope.  You're right, I just need to give myself time to adjust, and recognize that they're aware that it's a new set of responsibilities that they want to give me time to adjust to because of how well I do with the other side of things.  They have even gone out of their way to tell me how much respect they have for what I've been doing and for me as a person.  This job has been such a positive change that I've had a hard time accepting it for what it is, and also one of the reasons why I'm recognizing how toxic the treatment from my family has been.

I haven't been writing much in my journal lately.  I just haven't been in the same space.  A couple days ago, I woke up with an overwhelming sense of anxiety.  The worst part was that I couldn't identify why I was feeling that anxiety.  I think maybe it was connected with the job, but if it was I think it was more the idea that other people might be mad at me for getting the assignments I did.  I don't like ruffling feathers for other people.  I really didn't feel like it was connected with work at all, but it did subside quite a bit when someone from corporate talked with me, and let me know how much they've appreciated my contributions and told me that everyone has a great respect for me, including everyone higher than me at the location where I work.

I've kind of been a little focused on that letter I wrote to myself, and then the response I wrote following Marcine's compassionate observations.  There was a phrase I saw in a video short, and I know those aren't always the best source of any real information, but this one seemed like it might be accurate.

"Self-reflection without radical self-acceptance can lead to rumination, self-criticism, and negative self-talk rather than genuine growth." - paraphrased and potentially remembered incorrectly

I saw that before that response, and it's still present in my mind.  I think I've started taking a break from writing here in my journal not as an intention, but as a result of how I sometimes let my brain work for me.  I've found that sometimes, the problem I need to solve has been in front of me too long, so I'll let it shift to the back of my mind.  Somehow, my brain keeps working on it in the background, and then while I'm doing something entirely unrelated like washing dishes or showering or pumping gas, the answer will pop into my head consciously.

I think it's actually pretty ironic that I'm not an extremely visual thinker, because I often think of not understanding a broader concept as not being able to visualize it properly.  I haven't been able to "visualize" how the inner child concept functions as an identity that I can address, but without it being a "personality" within my mind.  How it can be a "part" of who I was, and maybe be a part that I'd like back.  I think that response helped clarify some details for me, and I think that's helping me identify my fears of self acceptance.  It's easier for me to think that I need to accept and love the Little ZR that's inside, the one that all the abuse happened to, and it's a lot more terrifying realizing that I have to accept and love me.  The person that other people thought deserved all the hurt and shame and guilt that they gave me.  I have to not only accept myself, I also have to reject my projections of them being right because they were older, wiser than I was.  I have to learn that my parents weren't there to be role of parents.  The qualified immunity of the titles of Mom and Dad don't apply to them.

I'm going to have to come back to this later.

[Marcine]

Hi ZR,
I read your post and I honor all you wrote.
Just gonna mention that I too like to set things to simmer on the back burner of my brain. Savory interesting results usually come of it.