Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[Hope67]

Hi Zen_racer,
So great that your bed is comfortable, and that you r cat likes it too. 

I hope your session with the therapist goes okay. 

 

[sanmagic7]

what a marvelous move you've made, ZR.  the fact that you no longer want to punch younger you speaks volumes, to my mind.  well done!  it definitely is ok to choose you.  i think that was a lot of poison you cried out of you, which means a lot of healing was going on, which was shown by the fact that you don't want to punch you anymore.  this is so great.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

So glad you have a fresh clean bed! Taking care of ourselves is so important. I'm about to go tackle my bedroom... you've inspired me lol.

The part of you want wants to punch the younger part likely has a positive intent, to protect you somehow. And, I'm glad that part has leaned back now and can relax.

To read here your therapist would have to join as a member, and my understanding is this space is only for CPTSD survivors, but you can always copy and paste your journal into a word document if you want to share it with them.

I hope the session will be helpful with the therapist! You deserve support, understanding and compassion.

[zen_racer]

That's cool. I was picturing you drinking your coffee by your window wall, looking out at the scenery. And of course you have a cat. I thought of Blofeld from the Bond films. A very stylish Baddie. And you have a motorbike so you can zoom about on your Baddie business. LOL. I've had to reconcile myself with being seen as the Baddie just for refusing to be a pushover any more. It gets easier.

I'm happy to read that some protective instincts for younger ZR are surfacing. It's awesome when you can start fitting back together again.

  I can zoom about on my Baddie business.  LOL.

I guess I can understand my previous reaction to picturing a younger kid version of me.  I wasn't really comfortable thinking of me as having younger versions of me to address.  It was a vague concept, and I was projecting a version of me that might have either been part of the problem, or someone that was blamed for being a victim so much that it was easy for me to go there.  But the moment I had that reaction and started crying, the moment I felt connected and could feel how terrified that younger me was, how neglected he was, there was never an instinct to attack that part of myself.  I wrapped my arms around my own shoulders because at least it felt like I could kind of give that younger version a hug.  I wish I could make that younger ZR feel safe from all horrible things he was bombarded with.

I'm also still focused on that sense of feeling connected.

I had prepared by copying some of my posts here, and pasted them into a note taking app I use.  Never did give that to him to read.  I'd rather have this place with no external pressure as well.

[zen_racer]

Thank you everyone.  In case I haven't said it, you're all amazing.  This forum has become one of my favorite things, and it's because of everyone here.

Hope, the bed is wonderful.  I feel like I'm staying in a hotel because it nicer and different.  The cat really seems to like it. 

SanMagic, I said more about not wanting to punch the younger me in my response to NK, but I think you're right.  That was a lot of poison I got out of me when that happened.  I still almost can't believe I had that much of a reaction, that suddenly, from just typing in a phrase.  I don't really know how to conceptualize it either.  I mean, I know it was just me, and yet it felt like it was a younger me.  Thoughts were exchanged between that younger me and current me, but neither of us said any words.  I had a very real sense of giving that younger ZR permission to feel like he mattered.  I felt a sense of how much pain he had been carrying around for that 1 thing for so long.  I couldn't hate that kid.

I'm leading myself off on a tangent.  Thank you SanMagic, love and hugs! 

HannahOne, I do love the new bed.  So far, I've slept pretty decently on it, but only 1 night so far.  No part of me wants to punch the younger me anymore.  That was such a transformative experience.

To my knowledge, anyone is welcome to read here, but has to join to post.  I think there is a private section for some journals, but when I was reading about that, people needed to ask for access to the private section, and I haven't done that yet.  But I did not tell my therapist how to find this place.  I liked how NK pointed out feeling less free here otherwise with regards to the therapist. 


The therapist did tell me today that with that experience I had, it will undoubtedly be the first of many.  He found it a little curious that it happened when I wrote that phrase.  I've got questions about that too.

I guess I should unblock my family's numbers, at the very least so when they try to contact me again, I can maybe just tell them I need low contact or no contact.  I thought it was a little funny when my therapist asked why I feel like I should, and pointed out that there is probably no benefit from doing that.  But then he did suggest that maybe I would feel like I'm not violating my own morals by at least telling them.

...

I'm daydreaming about that feeling of connection. 

 

[TheBigBlue]

I told my T about the forum, and sometimes I share specific topics or thoughts. But I haven't shared my screen name with her. I prefer the freedom of knowing she isn't reading what I write here.

Part of that is that this gives me a space to process things first, including the occasional critique or frustration. Even with the best and most caring Ts, ruptures happen. In fact, I increasingly think rupture followed by repair is where a lot of healing happens. Those moments can become opportunities to learn that disagreement, disappointment, or hurt don't automatically mean the relationship is broken.

It's actually through some of those ruptures that I started to understand my EFs and little TBB a bit better. Looking back, some of the moments that felt most uncomfortable at the time ended up becoming important parts of the healing.

[NarcKiddo]

I thought it was a little funny when my therapist asked why I feel like I should, and pointed out that there is probably no benefit from doing that. 

I'm really happy your T said that. Not because I think it is advice you should necessarily follow. You must do what feels right. However, it shows that your T is thinking about you, not about the social niceties that get so drummed into everyone. And you need to know that you have the total right not to tell FOO anything if you prefer not to. Of course all actions have consequences and you know what FOO is likely to do in response to anything you may or may not do - but you have choices, maybe more than you initially think, and it's good your T has drawn your attention to that.

I am also really happy to read that you gave yourself a hug. I find that sort of thing surprisingly helpful. If I am feeling dysregulated I will do that or maybe stroke my upper arm. Even sitting with hands clasped can feel comforting, and that's useful to be aware of because you can do that in public. In time you will be able to make the younger ZR feel safe. It might feel like some unattainable goal right now but you've already made so much progress towards nurturing him.

[sanmagic7]

but you have choices, maybe more than you initially think, and it's good your T has drawn your attention to that.

ZR, i totally agree with NK here.  I believe the reality is that we don't owe them anything.  we didn't choose to come into the world, we didn't choose to have them abuse us throughout life, and we certainly didn't choose to have the abuse continue, even when we're away from them and out of their home.  we may stay in their lives, continue interacting with them if we want, but if we don't want to, that's an ok choice as well.

they have had time and opportunity to make changes in the way they treat you, and have chosen not to do so.  if you can't tell, i don't like manipulations, whether they be from the person involved or from society, or from others.  it is ok to choose you every single time.  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

Unrelated to anything, but I'm about to go lead the first meeting I've had to call for a project as an engineer. I'm technically nervous? Lol

[zen_racer]

I told my T about the forum, and sometimes I share specific topics or thoughts. But I haven't shared my screen name with her. I prefer the freedom of knowing she isn't reading what I write here.

Part of that is that this gives me a space to process things first, including the occasional critique or frustration. Even with the best and most caring Ts, ruptures happen. In fact, I increasingly think rupture followed by repair is where a lot of healing happens. Those moments can become opportunities to learn that disagreement, disappointment, or hurt don't automatically mean the relationship is broken.

It's actually through some of those ruptures that I started to understand my EFs and little TBB a bit better. Looking back, some of the moments that felt most uncomfortable at the time ended up becoming important parts of the healing.

I really appreciate you sharing that, TBB.  I will keep that in mind as I keep going with my therapist.  I relate way more than I'm comfortable with about needing to learn that those points don't mean the relationship is broken.  I would like to understand EF's and little ZR better, but I also recognize that this is a process that will take time.  As much as I want to force it and race ahead, life often doesn't work that way.

I thought it was a little funny when my therapist asked why I feel like I should, and pointed out that there is probably no benefit from doing that.

I'm really happy your T said that. Not because I think it is advice you should necessarily follow. You must do what feels right. However, it shows that your T is thinking about you, not about the social niceties that get so drummed into everyone. And you need to know that you have the total right not to tell FOO anything if you prefer not to. Of course all actions have consequences and you know what FOO is likely to do in response to anything you may or may not do - but you have choices, maybe more than you initially think, and it's good your T has drawn your attention to that.

I am also really happy to read that you gave yourself a hug. I find that sort of thing surprisingly helpful. If I am feeling dysregulated I will do that or maybe stroke my upper arm. Even sitting with hands clasped can feel comforting, and that's useful to be aware of because you can do that in public. In time you will be able to make the younger ZR feel safe. It might feel like some unattainable goal right now but you've already made so much progress towards nurturing him.

That's not how I saw that when he said it to me, but I like your interpretation.  Now, I didn't have any negative reaction to it, but I was definitely seeing it through the lens of obligation at the time.  Another thing he said when I told him that I'd probably at least need to explain that I need my space was "Do you think they still don't understand your stance?"  I'm paraphrasing, but still.  How would I ever be expected to think they would ever understand anything from me when all they've shown me is intentional misunderstanding even when I keep over explaining because intentional misunderstanding is all they've ever offered?  I know, the therapist is not expecting anything like that from me.  I do have more choices than I think.

I would so much like to do more nurturing for the little ZR, but I'm not really sure how to go about doing that just yet.  I guess it's time to start doing more reading again.  The part that seems impossible is getting myself to feel connected to him again.

but you have choices, maybe more than you initially think, and it's good your T has drawn your attention to that.

ZR, i totally agree with NK here.  I believe the reality is that we don't owe them anything.  we didn't choose to come into the world, we didn't choose to have them abuse us throughout life, and we certainly didn't choose to have the abuse continue, even when we're away from them and out of their home.  we may stay in their lives, continue interacting with them if we want, but if we don't want to, that's an ok choice as well.

they have had time and opportunity to make changes in the way they treat you, and have chosen not to do so.  if you can't tell, i don't like manipulations, whether they be from the person involved or from society, or from others.  it is ok to choose you every single time.  love and hugs

Thank you SanMagic.  I do struggle with feeling an obligation that I really should not feel.  I wish I didn't.  I promise to myself and to little ZR that I will be better about choosing me though.  Love and hugs! 


So I guess two things to update with.  I unblocked their numbers today after work.  My M did call after work today.  I answered like nothing had happened, but expected to get yelled at.  That never happened.  My M restrained herself, and things she said showed that she did indeed understand what happened.  That is something I will do my best to remember as I try to never over explain or justify myself to them ever again.  They know how they've been treating me the entire time.  It's not just "who they are".

The other thing is just that the meeting today went well.  I thought I was going to have to prove why I want to go the route I want on the project, but the only fight I've got is to see if I can get everything done and signed in time to get things scheduled correctly.  I also have a Mr. Meowstache laying on my legs. 

[sanmagic7]

ZR, it doesn't get much better than that leg layer you've got!  and so glad you didn't get neg. blowback at your meeting or from your M.  what you said about over-explaining rang a bell for me.  i've tended to do that a lot.  i hope you can keep your promise to yourself, but if not, tomorrow's another day, right?  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad the meeting went well, and also that your M did not play up as you expected. FOO behaviour will shift as yours does. It has to. None of this happens in a vacuum. She may be sensing that things have shifted at your end and be playing carefully as she adjusts. Be prepared for her to come out with some new tactics at some point, though.

As for little ZR, it's a process. As you and he get more comfortable with one another it will become clearer to you what works and what doesn't. Now it's trial and error. From my personal experience I have found the best approach is to be conscious if I have thoughts or feelings or want to do things that seem a bit childish so I get curious about those, as a little is usually around then. I've tried addressing the little directly, in my mind or out loud. I think I hoped to get some sort of definite answer. I never do but I sometimes notice a very quick calming if I am upset and if I feel like doing something childish and then do it, I find it feels more satisfying than expected. HannahOne said something in my journal about one of her littles being a bit like an abused dog, and that resonated for me in connection with one of mine. They cannot be encouraged to approach, you just have to be quietly present and let them come to you in their own time. That may not be the case with little ZR but it is probably worth bearing in mind if you are trying all sorts of approaches and not feeling any progress. Initial connection took quite a bit of time for me, but once it started the progress seemed to speed up.

[zen_racer]

Well, FOO has texted me at work today to ask if I had blocked them. Incoming reaction undoubtedly. But I'm stuck in a vehicle with work people in stopped traffic due to a vehicle fire on the interstate.

[zen_racer]

So far okay, but I don't have a choice right now. Be okay or risk my job. Not looking forward to the talk. I'm just reminding myself that I'm not going against myself again.

Editing to add that after two hours, we're moving again. 18 wheeler fire that turned into a brush fire.

[zen_racer]

Well, I called my M on the way home from work, after a 13 hour day.  She made small talk at first, and then asked.  I think she was expecting me to deny that I had blocked them.  At first, she only asked if I had blocked my brother.  I said yes.  She asked if I had blocked her, I said yes.  She started to say some stupid stuff about it and I cut her off and said just enough about how absurd their behavior was on the holiday where they tried to plan my time off without even talking to me, freaked out when I did what my plans were, then tried to create a problem centered on me, and then tried to tell me I had to check in like a child.  I did not get into all the reasons, or my plan to do it more.  She just dropped the subject.

I still choose myself, and little ZR.

I'm now exhausted.  I feel off.  I would almost say that despite being numb, I'm also feeling a little sad.  That was just an odd situation to be in, and it was stressful.  The dread of knowing my M wanted to create problems because I wasn't putting up with them creating problems.  Having to sit with that around higher ups from corporate with six people in a truck, watching another truck burn while stuck on the highway and knowing my M would assume that I'm brushing her off.

I feel like I just want to steal hugs from people since I never get any in real life and then hide from the world.