Wanted to share what is going on for me tonight

[BK]

I just felt like sharing what is going on for me tonight as a part of me feels a bit hopeless, but I know I will be ok.

I had a first session with a new psychologist today after several months of not having a therapist because I kind of just gave up trying to find the right one because it was exhausting and I was frequently being re-traumatised. But I got to a point where I knew I needed help.

I was anxious in the days leading up to the session because I really wanted it to work. But I could feel myself getting upset inside during the session because I knew she wasn't right for me, and this felt very disappointing. It was like she was listening to me, but wasn't REALLY listening to me. And she didn't reflect any of my emotions back to me, which was very disappointing to me. She also spent a lot of the session just talking about trauma stuff, as I could see she was trying to educate me, but a lot of the stuff I already knew, and that was not what I was wanting or needing, so this frustrated me. She was nice, which was a positive, but unfortunately was not the right fit for me.

I was able to see a positive change in my behaviour though, which was great. In the past, I would have continued seeing someone even though it didn't feel 100% right, because I would think what I was feeling was wrong. This time, even though that self-doubt came up a little, I trusted what I felt.

I do want to acknowledge that progress because it is a huge change for me. But I guess tonight a part of me is feeling a bit hopeless, and also extremely annoyed. Sometimes things just feel so unfair!

It's like I want help, but I can't find the right therapist! Everything just feels so hard sometimes. I want to change and I am willing to put in the work, but I can't get the help I need because I can't find the right person. The whole process is exhausting. At times I just get so sick of it.

Sometimes I just feel like there are so many things in this world that aren't fair, and it can really get me down. I know there is still a ray of hope in me, and I will keep searching for the right therapist, but it does get tiring. Really tiring!

And then sometimes I feel resentful of people who seem to have an easier life. I know everyone has their own struggles, but I think life is already hard enough, and then having the added layer of complex PTSD/mental health issues just makes things so much harder, and it often just feels very unfair.

Anyway, I just wanted to share what was going on for me and hope you may be able to relate. Thanks for listening.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi BK,

What you wrote makes a lot of sense to me.

First, I actually think the fact that you did listen to yourself this time is a really big deal. Even though it hurts and is disappointing, recognizing "this is not the right fit for me" instead of overriding yourself and pushing through anyway feels like meaningful progress.

And honestly, I think it's understandable to feel exhausted and angry about it. Finding the right therapist can already be hard, and CPTSD often makes the process even more loaded because feeling emotionally "missed" can hit very deeply into existing wounds.

I do relate to the unfairness part; and for me even more so the feeling that "others do not understand." At the same time, I've learned that comparisons are rarely very helpful for me. I once asked my therapist, "What's wrong with me that I have CPTSD, and my sister does not?" My therapist replied: "The same boiling water that hardens an egg softens a potato." Meaning that even when environments appear similar, people can go through very different things with very different nervous systems, supports, histories, and outcomes. It doesn't make your struggle any less real or less heavy.

What stood out to me most in your post was actually the ray of hope you mentioned. You sound tired, disappointed, and discouraged - but not disconnected from yourself anymore. And that feels important.

I'm glad you shared this. 💛
Sending support