A very tired hello - possible trigger warning

[zen_racer]

Hello.  I'm not entirely sure where to start because nothing about what led me here seems linear.  I think I'd rather start with symptoms rather than the story of why.  I am constantly in fight/flight/freeze response.  I self isolate almost 100% of the time I'm not at work.  Dealing with anyone from my family is instant anxiety.  I've had so many bad experiences with family members treating me horribly that at times I can't even confront the idea of talking with those people.  For my mom in particular, it's gotten to where I project arguments she'll cause and then blame on me.  I ruminate on things too much and can't stop, to the point that I'm literally shouting in my own house as if they were here and I could finally stand up for myself (I don't actually shout at real people).  I was raised to think that nothing about myself mattered, that I was only a burden, and that everyone else mattered.  I don't have a favorite food or color or favorite anything almost.  It has made me hyper vigilant, and I predict moods or arguments.  I've recently found myself consciously deciding that I actively want no one in my life despite how lonely I am because the consistency I find in being alone is so much better than the chaos of ever letting anyone in.

I know that a LOT of my trauma has been directly caused by my family.  Mom, Dad, and brother.  More so my mom and brother.  Just the emotional abuse and manipulation type, physical abuse by my brother when we were kids (my mom would allow that, even encourage it at times).  Some of my trauma has been through medical issues.  I recently had a really rough couple of years from my gallbladder going really bad, and then during recovery getting worse again because of malnutrition caused by too much bile.  Throughout that whole process, some members of the family were very vocal in letting me know that they were certain I was making up and just looking for a doctor to go along with it, despite the fact that I've never been the type to do stuff like that or lie.  Some of the trauma has been job related.  I actually moved back to the area my family is in after having been gone for over 20 years due to a job going sideways beyond my control.  It was a job I actually liked right up until the owner of the small company had me go on a trip that my previous boss was supposed to do before he quit.  What I didn't know was they had a bad history with the business owner telling my previous boss that he'd make sure he wouldn't be able to get another job to prevent him from leaving.  I was supposed to become the production manager as soon as I got back.  When I got back from the trip, a new guy was the production manager, and I was supposed to train that person "how to be me", literally, and the business owner also wanted me to make false statements so he could start a million dollar lawsuit against my former boss in retaliation for leaving.  I refused, so he started threatening me.  I quit the next day, and was then harassed daily for months.  I had to get police involved multiple times.  He hired really expensive lawyers to make sure I couldn't get unemployment.  I ended up leaving the state because there was no legal mechanism like a restraining order in that state for me to get him to stop harassing me, but the police always made sure to let me know that I couldn't do anything against that "civil" matter, or they'd arrest me as a criminal matter.  Just from that, I had serious PTSD because I didn't feel safe anywhere until I got out of there.  And instead of being supportive, even seeing the threats and harassment, my family decided that I somehow caused that and deserved everything.

I fully realize that with the level of trauma I've had and how I now react to things, the next part likely does have a lot to do with me, but just about every person in my life that's been important to me has either taken advantage of me and abandoned me or treated me horribly.  I've recognized that if I ever make a decent friend and then ever let them see how my family treats me, it's like it teaches them how badly they can treat me.

Just to add some levity, my username of zen_racer is in reference to one of the two activities I still like to do for fun.  I race miniGP motorcycles.  I've known for a long time that while I do enjoy it, it's also an escape from everything else in my life.  When I'm pushing a small motorcycle to it's absolute limit on a go-kart track, there's no mental room to think about anything other than not crashing in the next turn.  I actually designed and built my own motorcycle from scratch for that hobby.  Anyway, sorry for rambling, and thank you for letting me join.

[Moondance]

Welcome Zen_Racer,

Your racing sounds like a lot of fun - my escape is to have the TV on and play games on my phone - this way I can block everything out, especially the ruminating which I dislike the most.

I can relate to the isolation - same boat here - I no longer work so I spend most of my time isolating.  I do have someone living with me - I feel pretty safe around him though as I have known him over 30+ years. He is a good friend.  Regardless of what he knows or did know about my family and/or me he always treated my with respect. All other friendships and FOO are no longer in my life.  It is much safer and peaceful for me. I have great difficulty with trust.   

I am so very sorry for all that you have gone through to bring you here but I am so glad you made it here.  I hope that you find all that might help you on this journey.  This is a safe, supportive and kind bunch here.  That is what I have experienced here.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi zen_racer, 

I'm really glad you found your way here.

What you describe: the constant fight/flight/freeze/(fawn?), the isolation feeling safer than connection, the rumination, all makes a lot of sense given what you've been through. Especially being repeatedly invalidated and blamed, even in situations where you were clearly being mistreated. That can really shape how the system learns to stay on guard.

Designing and building your own miniGP motorcycle from scratch is seriously impressive! The way you describe riding, being fully in the moment, also makes a lot of sense as something that gives your mind a break from all the noise.

You're not alone in these experiences here. 💛

[Kizzie]

race miniGP motorcycles.  I've known for a long time that while I do enjoy it, it's also an escape from everything else in my life. 

Just a thought here Zen Racer but maybe enjoying it as much as you do is simply enjoying something and not an escape per se.  We all need things in our life we get enjoyment out of, survivor or non-survivor. The positive stuff can balance out the bad. It's a small change or reframing but it helps to think of fun as just plain fun. I say enjoy the heck out of it and let those endorphins fly. If you let yourself do so, perhaps you will then just relax and let the fun bring you out of freeze, fight, flee and/or fawn. It's what joy and laughter and pleasure can do to a tired, weighed down by trauma body and soul.

I'm so sorry for what you went through and continue to struggle with. I hope by being here it may help lift or defuel your trauma responses when you see that you are not alone, we understand and we have suggestions about what you might try. Community helps!   

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us.I'm sorry your family is so awful to you. I'm glad you have got into your motorcycle racing with such gusto. Something that is so totally absorbing and does have an element of danger could well be an outlet for some of the fight/fight hormones. I have found pad boxing to be very helpful in physically working out some of that stress - something physical that requires concentration has been helpful for me.

[zen_racer]

Thank you to everyone that's responded.

Kizzie, you make a good point.  I do just enjoy it, and I guess it's habit for me to think of it as an escape since before I started noticing issues relating to trauma, at least directly.  When I first started doing it, it was absolutely fun like it is now, but I spent so much time doing race training with a friend and working on bikes and learning machining and building engines and making modifications and then designing and building a bike, I was running.  At the time, I was running from jobs I hated but couldn't leave, my financial situation, from chores and responsibilities I wasn't used to (due to traveling for a job for 14 years leading up to getting into racing) and didn't want to learn.  But you're right, now that I've addressed some of those issues, I should just accept that it's something I enjoy, and I'm not doing it to such extreme as far as demands on my time.  Thank you for that observation.  And just to share, I recently did the first race of the season and got 2nd place.  I even led the race for about 1 and a half laps. 

I am not currently seeing anyone for help with this.  I've tried off and on to find a therapist, but haven't had any luck yet.  I am reaching out again to find one.  It's kind of like, if I feel good enough to put in the effort to find one, I feel like I don't need one.  Then when I get bad again, I don't have the mental energy to find a therapist.  I was recently sick with a cold that I'm still recovering from, and had more time to sit at home and feel guilty for not being at work, where I just got an awesome promotion.  I think a bunch of small stressors plus a push from mental health social media pushed me over the edge.

I've been doing some reading on here, and I may be wrong about being stuck in fight/flight/freeze.  I might be closer to just being stuck in freeze.  I know when it comes to confrontation, I shut down.  I know that's one thing that has affected past relationships.  I also know that it comes from how often and how loudly my parents fought when I was a kid.  I can't remember when it started or if it was just always like that.  I know that by the time I was around 7 or 8 maybe, I had to learn how to disable a car so after my dad would get drunk and my parents would fight and he'd storm out of the house on foot, he couldn't come back and get in his car to drive anywhere.  It was never physical violence, and me freezing like that for confrontation has never made me not defend myself if someone has physically attacked me.  It's just verbal/social confrontation where I just freeze and don't say anything.  Even just explaining this little bit has me tense and not breathing normally.