(New here) Middle aged, made tons of progress, yet the pain persists

[Comet]

Hi! 

The subject line is it all in a nutshell. I wasn't introduced to CPTSD as a phenomenon until 2018, which was also rock bottom for me. I think of it as "the rupture" -- haven't seen my immediate family since.

I had always struggled with being underemployed. I didn't know how to play the game in job interviews. I would speak too honestly instead of the rehearsed drivel with artificial enthusiasm that gets you in the door (I didn't know any better). My emotional regulation was chaotic, and I would burn bridges rather than keep long term goals in mind. I thought that my long periods of dissociating were a personal failing. I went through the first 36 years of my life believing all of the bad things that my family told me about myself. But I always had hope that things could be different.

With a great therapist who helped coach me, I was able to get a full-time job with adequate pay and benefits at age 39. Reached financial independence for the first time in my life. And with that came the reduction of decades of shame for spending money or having nice things. It took a few years for me to work through the fear of authority and the agitation from (what I see in retrospect were) minor disputes with colleagues.

But, I still really struggle to detach from work over the weekend, because the experience so tied up in fear for me. Like many, I do have a job that periodically demands "blood from a stone," and I experience burnout because of a high degree of responsibility with low amounts of control or authority. I know that this kind of burnout is common for people who don't come from a CPTSD background as well, but I definitely feel that my trauma history is interwoven in this. I have a real dread of being scapegoated (again), abandoned, or punished, in the form of being fired. More so, I am extremely afraid of losing my financial independence and of needing anything from the "family" I left behind.

Catastrophizing, being wired, having difficulty sleeping, not enjoying the fruit of so much struggle that went into getting to the place I'm at now are all issues I'd like to work on. I also still experience grief and the resurgence of traumatic memories. I sometimes feel pity for myself because I don't have a family to lean on. A busy job helps in some ways but, as mentioned, the new fears it creates also make it all harder. At least when I was broke and underemployed, I took the time to exercise and enjoy free activities outside. Now I'm just... exhausted. Out of shape. And joyless.   

Thanks for reading.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us.

You've achieved so much and I'm glad you have reached financial independence. I can understand why you would struggle to detach from work. Well done for identifying the issues you need to work on. I hope you start to find some joy.

[Comet]

Hi NarcKiddo    thank you for your kind words

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Comet, 

I'm really glad you're here. Your title: making a lot of progress and still feeling the pain, really landed. Both can be true, and it makes sense that they are.

What you described around work, especially the fear of being scapegoated or losing what you've built, sounds very tied to earlier experiences. That kind of pressure can be exhausting over time.

It also stood out how much you've already done: building stability and independence after everything you've been through. That's significant.

You're not alone in this here.
Welcome 💛