Mom went to the hospital last night

[Gently]

it's the recognition that it is actually a massive ask for many parts of you

Thank you for offering compassion and tenderness to those parts of me. They felt your advocacy on their behalf. The felt supported and heard. It helped me to remember them, the truth of their experience.

They've spent so many years being taught that how they feel doesn't matter, and it's so easy with regards to the Mother and family and expectations and roles to fall into that frame of mind. It's almost like a version of reality drops down over me and I can't even see or feel the truths that brought me here. So confusing.

Still haven't gone, still feel like I could, if only....

Very aware that Mother's Day is coming up.

Grateful for those of you who are reading and offering support. Thank you.

[NarcKiddo]

They've spent so many years being taught that how they feel doesn't matter, and it's so easy with regards to the Mother and family and expectations and roles to fall into that frame of mind. It's almost like a version of reality drops down over me and I can't even see or feel the truths that brought me here. So confusing.

This totally resonates. I struggle with similar on a regular basis, and not necessarily even directly to do with FOO issues. It's very confusing when the false reality drops down because of course the struggling parts are still there, hidden even further behind the curtain. We can feel them but the false reality makes it seem weird that there should be some issue going on.

I'm glad my post helped you to support those struggling parts. I may have advocated for them but you are the one who accepted the comments and then supported and heard them.

I'm sorry you still have Mother's Day to think about. I am in the UK and ours is in March so I have got it out of the way for this year. Please try to remember it's basically a commercial confection for a standard "normal" family and you are not obliged to let it be part of your life if it doesn't fit your circumstances.

 

[Gently]

With Mother's Day coming up, a lot of confusion and internal pressure to come to some decision about what I will do, to resolve the question. And there are no good choices.

Therapy yesterday. Moving towards acceptance, dismantling the fantasy of Mother that keeps me propelled back towards her again and again, only to be devastated once again that there is no green meadow sprinkled with fairy dust that will fill the heart-and-soul-hunger-shaped-hole in the middle of my chest. Not in her, anyway.

I am practicing to sit with the pain and intense sadness of my reality, and the discomfort of not knowing what I will do, not forcing a decision.

You know what? There is a good choice, it's just that it doesn't solve everything for everyone. But it's good to choose to stay with this, to stay with myself, to choose to feel the pain rather than overriding it with self betraying actions.

Writing this post is a good choice, reaching out is a good choice.

A choice can be good. It doesn't have to fix everything for it to be good.

Being gentle with myself is good.

Doing no harm / not lashing out at others while I take care of myself is good.

Allowing others to take care of themselves instead of doing it for them is good.

It's really, really hard to undo the old patterns.

I can do good, hard things.

[NarcKiddo]

I can do good, hard things.

Yes, you can.

[Gently]

Wrestling with this intensely this morning. Hours of dialogue with my husband, a call with my good friend who is a Therapist for help processing the tortuous internal confusion, finding some kind of connected emotional centre and grounding. No "conclusions", except that there is no perfect choice.

Decided, once again, not to visit. So much grief and pain, this reality.

So many competing "parts" in me.

A sense of relief at making a decision, the state of conundrum abated once again, for now.

Calmed, depleted.

Stay here, stay in this calm, enjoy this calm. You deserve it. You need it.

[Hope67]

Hi Gently,
I hope you're still feeling some of that calm, especially as you do deserve and need it.  Sending you a hug of support 

[Gently]

I'm here today because I am planning to see my mom tomorrow. I don't know if those plans will change in the meantime or not. I haven't seen her since January, and I have felt so much better, cumulatively, over the last couple of months. Since Mother's Day, actually.

My absence has resulted in my brother and his wife formally taking over the medical representative agreement role (thank God!), so there is a concrete, legal thing in place the bolsters my resolve not to get involved in her care. I have redirected several of her service providers to my brother as they have called me. The official nature of these changes feels like brick and mortar for the boundaries I need to have between me and her.

I want to put myself in her physical presence because I want to test whether I am able to do that while keeping myself psychologically and emotionally detached in a brief, controlled interaction. I want to know that because I want to know if there is a way for her to be at the same family events as me without me becoming triggered. I want to develop resilience.

I don't know if I can or not. One reason I think I might be able to, now, is that the fantasy of the Good Mother is being dismantled in me. I have been painfully grieving the loss of that, accepting the reality of what is instead of that. In some sense, I need to grieve never having a mother because my actual mother relinquished me and the adoptive mother is not my mother. I have no idea what my Mother is like as a mother, I will never know that. In that sense, I have no idea what it feels like to be a daughter, either. My adoptive mother and I were playing the roles of mother and daughter because that's what was decided we'd call each other when the law declared that it was so. My birth certificate is a lie.

I never had the opportunity to be mad at my Mother because I never knew her. Being mad at my adoptive mother was never an option available to me because I had to be the good adoptive daughter. I was already left behind once.

I want to find out if I can strengthen myself so that she does not hold power over me. I want her to shrink down to size.

I'm here to tell you all what I am planning to do, and then tell you how it went afterwards, if I do it.

The plan is to show up at her assisted living, stay outside (with our bikes), pick up the paperwork we need to help her with paying a bill, and spend a few minutes with her. As soon as I sense a behaviour that threatens to draw me into enmeshment and fawning, I will 1. Avert my gaze, 2. Become unresponsive, 3. Take a step back or turn my body away, 4. Simply say "good by, gotta go"

I want to do what I went there to do without catering to her.

I'm so glad you all understand where I am coming from, here. I swear, unless you understand the machinations of this kind of trauma, this all sounds kind of crazy. I guess it sounds crazy because it is crazy. What happened to us is crazy, and crazy making.

[TheBigBlue]

Sending you lots of support. 💛

One thought I had is to keep in mind that seeing her again may activate some very old neural pathways. If that happens, the emotions may become much bigger than the present situation alone would justify, and perhaps even bring an emotional flashback. That wouldn't mean you've failed - it would simply mean your nervous system is doing what it learned to do long ago.

To me, progress wouldn't be not getting triggered. Progress would be if the adult You can slow things down enough to stay within your window of tolerance and respond the way you have already planned to.

And whatever happens tomorrow, please be gentle with yourself afterwards.

[Gently]

Sending you lots of support. 💛

One thought I had is to keep in mind that seeing her again may activate some very old neural pathways. If that happens, the emotions may become much bigger than the present situation alone would justify, and perhaps even bring an emotional flashback. That wouldn't mean you've failed - it would simply mean your nervous system is doing what it learned to do long ago.

To me, progress wouldn't be not getting triggered. Progress would be if the adult You can slow things down enough to stay within your window of tolerance and respond the way you have already planned to.

And whatever happens tomorrow, please be gentle with yourself afterwards.

Thanks, Big Blue. Yes, I had prepared myself for the flashback/need for recovery. But, the reminder that flashback does not mean that I've failed is really helpful. You're right, it feels like success means not being triggered. But, better, success is staying within my window of tolerance when I'm triggered and work my plan, and then being really gentle with myself afterwards.

My previous MO is to steel myself and muscle my way through things. I like "slow down", stay with myself while I'm there.

Thank you for your support. 

[NarcKiddo]

I want to do what I went there to do without catering to her.

I hope this works out as you wish.

Standing with you.

[Gently]

I'm not going to see my Mom today.

So much learning from this situation this week. I need to start from the beginning.

On Tuesday this past week, she called. I saw the call on my phone, and for the first time in a long time I just thought/felt/knew I would/could answer this call. I felt strong, capable, okay to answer the call. It was short, which was good. I stayed detached, emotionally, in that I didn't feel the dangerous kind of compassion that guts me every time. She presented a practical situation that I could help with and not compromise my boundaries. I made offers.

That's where I see that I slipped into old patterns right away. She presented a practical situation. She hadn't even said she needed help with that situation, let alone ask for help. I hear her describe a situation, and my brain immediately filled in the narrative that she couldn't possibly do that task in her own power or with the supports surrounding her at her assisted living home, I'd better take than on since it's an administrative/banking task and that is within my purview.

I immediately begin to offer to intervene in the completing of said task, which requires me to find a way to get a hold of a copy of a bill that was sent to her in the mail, which prompts me to offer that "we" will come over some time soon to pick up a copy.

Then.... I hear myself saying "and maybe we'll stay for a short visit".

The rest of my week has been riddled with internal turmoil.

I realized sometime yesterday morning that I had betrayed myself by offering the visit I did not want to make because I felt trapped during the phone call that I "should" offer that and it would simply be "wrong" not to since here we were talking about coming over to pick something up.

I realized later last night that I had actually engaged in mitigating behaviour and over-functioning by even offering to complete a task that had, so far, only been presented as a situation and no request had been made.

This morning I realized that I actually answered the phone without preparation, on a momentary whim, spontaneously, after months of no contact because any contact with my Mom was so destabilizing for me.

Wow.

Yesterday evening, three days after the phone call, my husband called her to let her know we'd be coming over Saturday to pick up the thing. He left a voice mail message. Later last night, he noticed that she had called back, left a message, saying that she had just that day got help from her front desk person to write a cheque and mail the payment herself. (No, she didn't bother to let us know that we no longer needed to come over. That's typical, and a very small part of the larger issue with dealing with her.)

Since the practical task has been completed, we will not be going over to see her today. A visit is not something I am actually ready for.

But, I learned some really important things about my own automatic responses. I do feel ready to find a way to reengage. I don't know if it will work out or not in the end. I do know that this was a rich learning experience. I also know that I managed my emotional flashbacks very well, and they didn't override the rest of my life to the same degree as they have before. I was able to care-take, and rest, and focus on other things at the same time as dealing with this situation.

1. I will not spontaneously answer a phone call from my mother. I need to check in with myself first and prepare myself. I will screen the calls, and call back when/if I am prepared to.

2. I want to be prepared to hold back on any kind of interventions, offers, solutions, actions if I do talk to her, and to be able to disengage at any moment, notice when I start to feel sucked in or trapped.

I feel much more interested in looking at what I can do for myself that may allow some kind of contact, rather than wishing and hoping, expecting and being disappointed that she still behaves the way she always has.

She won't change. I want to find out if I can have any kind of contact with her. I need to protect myself from giving myself away just because she says words.

It may not work. It may not be worth it, in the end. It may be too exhausting, too disruptive, too painful. But I want to try and see what is possible for my own sake, on my terms and what works for me.

For now, a return to no contact from my end until I feel inclined and strong enough to test out a very low level of contact, on my terms, for my purposes. Of course, with her consent. Because we all deserve to choose what we are and are not willing to do.

[NarcKiddo]

Given what you say about the first phone call it sounds like this is for the best. I'm glad you discovered she had solved the problem herself in time to stop the visit rather than going over there. Since you want to see what contact might be possible I am glad you have decided it must be in a way that works for you.

[Gently]

Thank you, NarcKiddo,

That's the shift I am finally feeling. Rather than being paralyzed by fear and sensitivity to whatever her reactions might be to what I do, I am more focused on what is good for me and what I want. What she wants, and how she feels when she can't have it, is her own responsibility.

Also, I'm allowed to get it "wrong", like this time where I offer to come over and now I am not going over.  Just because I made that offer initially, doesn't mean I'm trapped by it. I can change my mind because I realize it's not good for me right now.

I hope, over time, I will be more integrated with my decisions and be able to more accurately take actions that are in line with what I really want. And when I don't, that's okay. I'm allowed to "make mistakes". I don't have to be perfect. Others can feel disappointed by decisions I make. It doesn't make me "wrong" as a human.

This is a big one, actually, to be able to tolerate, in myself, that I am not a perfect person who never shows any weakness or changeability.

I like the feeling of being flexible, now, rather than the rigidity of perfectionism.

Allowing flexibility and changeability in myself makes me more accepting and tolerant of it in other people, too.

"I thought I could do that. Shoot, nope, I can't do that thing I thought I could do. They're going to be disappointed and hate me and never want to talk to me again. Wait, that hasn't actually happened. Hmmmmm. Interesting."

The ones who do hate me and never want to talk to me again? Good to know. I want different types of people in my life, now.

[zen_racer]

I'm sorry I've missed this thread until now.  I recognize so much of myself in your posts here.  Unfortunately more of the previous posts than the last one.  You've had some pretty great observations about yourself and the situation.

I'd like to thank you for sharing this.  I'm learning a bit more about what I think healing should look like in this thread.  I can really appreciate how you had a plan for when you started detecting behavior that threatens enmeshment or fawning.  That you still want to see if you can have contact, but on your terms.

I also really agree with all the points on your last post here.  I don't believe that stuff for myself yet, but I'm going to try to get there.  I've been wrestling with deciding if I can/should go low contact or no contact.  You've given me a lot to think about on this topic.

[Gently]

I'm glad, ZR, that my processing here helps. It sure helps me to write things here when they come up. And I am helped when I read other's posts.

My Mom called me today. Last contact was my last post about seeing her, and then not seeing her. I did not answer the phone. She left three messages, which is not unusual. She often has a lot to say and the time limit on voice mail is not long enough for it all. She also has aphasia after a stroke a couple of years ago, which makes it harder for her to get her thoughts out in speech.

I looked at the transcription of her messages to get the gist of what she was saying. Nothing out of the ordinary, or unexpected. She needs a thing from the store (she declined to follow through with the plan to get a companion service to help with errands and appointments as it was explained to her that I will not be able to help her with those things anymore), she'd like to see me, something about me being too busy with my friends (she's been told multiple times in various ways that I am dealing with my own things right now), and maybe she'll see me in heaven.

The thing is, there's no way to say anything of any kind of substance to any of the statements, requests or concerns she presents that will make any kind of difference whatsoever. It's all been said before, many, many times. The only outcome to seeing her or interacting with her at all is a return to the way it has been before (unacceptable and not negotiable), or me repeating statements and explanations and boundaries that never land anywhere and it's as if none of it has ever been said before so there's no point in saying it at all, and then I'm triggered and messed up for days at the very least.

How in the world does one little old woman wreak so much havoc just by being clueless, oblivious, unseeing, unfeeling (of my needs/self), uninterested, and un-remembering??

Experience has taught me that responding to her messages is folly.

Yet, it makes sense that she would be upset. I wish talking to her and telling her made a difference. It hasn't. I wish I could just go in, do a task, and keep it simple, and not let it get out of my scope of tolerance. But going in even a small amount means I will then need to navigate all of her requests and upset about her many grievances and confusion and and and...

I'm not seeing a way to have contact with her again. I really want to see a way that it could happen and be well enough at the same time.

The answer to her need for an errand is that she needs to have a companion service.

The answer to her upset about not seeing me is to reach out to a friend, pastor or counsellor.

Maybe she'll see me in heaven? I have no answer for that one.