Asking someone for something

[Alexandra]

Hello ; On the one hand ,I have no trouble, and even poor boundaries, if someone asks me to do something for them, the hardest word for me is that two letter word, no, on the other hand, I get so very anxious when it comes to asking me asking someone to do something for me,I feel like I have climbed, Mt.Everest , I have to take a long nap, after asking ,even though, I am successful, the person will do what I have asked, over the years it has not gotten easier to ask, do others have this issue? Alexandra

[NarcKiddo]

Yes, massively. I've been married for over 30 years and I know my husband is kind, safe and willing to help. But even so I try to arrange everything as much as possible so I do not have to ask him to help me.

For me I think the problem is twofold. Partly it's because as a child my actual needs were a massive nuisance to my mother and she made that quite clear. She met my basic needs for food, clothing, medical attention and so on but everything was just such a chore for her and sometimes she would explode in rage about it all. So of course my response as a child was to have as few needs as possible. Partly it's because as an adult I no longer have to get consent from authority for things I want (or need) to do. I refuse to put myself in a position of needing help in case it is refused or given but given angrily.

An additional element is that when I absolutely have to get someone to do something I will work out in detail what will make the job easiest for them. I will then present the request. Sometimes they might not actually find my plan easiest, or they will present another idea they think could work better. I really hate that and take it personally (though I don't tell them). I think because I have strategise the whole thing in advance and worked out all the steps to make me have the courage to ask. Them suggesting another way or something else throws an enormous spanner in the works for me. The risk of that happening is another thing that prevents me from asking in the first place.

In short - it is a big and real problem.

[TheBigBlue]

Absolutely! I relate to this a lot.

For me, it connects to childhood neglect and maltreatment. It was simply safer to give than to need, and safer to stay quiet, invisible, and not take up space. So asking for something now can still feel like a big internal risk, even when logically it isn't.

And like you said, even when it goes well, the system still reacts as if it was something huge.

You're definitely not alone in this. 💛

[Moondance]

Hi Alexandra,

Yes I can so relate to this topic you bring up and to NarcKiddo's and TheBigBlue's response.

I am becoming more and more aware of the imbalance this creates in my relationships.  Well currently I have very few of those but even looking back I can see how giving and doing for others has been a "strength" in me however not allowing others to do for me or give to me creates a real imbalance and a disservice to both people I think.

This topic has just come up in my journalling.  I believe becoming aware of it is a great first step for me.  I want to know be very aware of how much I "give" or "do" for others and how much I am allowing them to do or give to me whether that is me asking for help or someone just choosing to give or do something for me. 

I don't mean this as a "keeping count" or "tabs" thing but more to keep watch that the level of water put in the bucket (someone just used this analogy with me) is more or less even which gives a healthy balance to a relationship.

As well as the reasons posted here when someone does or gives to me I sometimes, not always but sometimes feel indebted to them. I really do not like the feeling of indebtedness to anyone.  This may yet be another reason we have difficulty accepting or asking for help. For me indebtedness means unsafe, or loss of control over my choices (taking away my choice to say no).  I have great difficulty saying no as well. 

Thank you for bringing this topic up Alexandra.



 

   

[Alexandra]

Hello ;  I have a lot of trouble asking the landlord to do a repair in my apartment, I am very frightened , that I will be blamed ,for want is broken and feel apologetic to ask for a repair. When I was a child, I wished I could be invisible, there was a movie shown on TV where there were only three left in the world  I used  to day dream about being all alone in the world. My so-called mother resented having to do anything for me, and did as little as possible ,and what she did do, was done ,with hostility and rage , I would never of dared to ask her for anything. Another issue for me is when I ask someone to do something for me or they do something spontaneous for me, I cry, somehow the kindness feels painful to me, maybe you can relate ?

[Kizzie]

Another issue for me is when I ask someone to do something for me or they do something spontaneous for me, I cry, somehow the kindness feels painful to me, maybe you can relate ?

Oh my gosh yes! I figured out after many years that it is because I was so starved for genuine, no strings attached kindness. It was just overwhelming to me when I received it. It was the same way for care such as from someone in medicine if I was receiving treatment or a neighbour who did something unasked - I often felt the tears well up and likely poured on the gratitude too much.

This isn't the case these days because I now realize a lot of people are kind and they don't want anything back and that I am the same way. I had to open up to that though, and it took time because I like most  here had so much trouble trusting others and like you felt really  vulnerable. You may find yourself doing the same as you see how people are here and then start seeing it out there in the real world.

Just a final thing - you are paying rent for your apartment so it's something your landlord should be used to. IMO if they have an attitude it is not on you.  Things break and need fixing and that's what they are there for. 

   

[Alexandra]

Hello Kizzie ; Thanks for the tip, it did not occur to me that as I pay rent, I have the right to repairs, I am lucky, the maintenance staff, is good about doing repairs, it just makes me ,anxious. Yes, I too was starved for any sort of kindness , what I got was cruelty. It is a sad thing that, abuse, neglect and cruelty , lead to having difficulty accepting kindness, that in it self feels cruel to me, how cold and hard life can be , fortunately, we are flexible  and can learn ,and grow. I believe in being kind myself, partly, because, I know what it feels like not to get it. I think there is a lot shame involved as well, having someone being kind, means they are focusing on me, which feels shaming  ,as being noticed meant abuse, I was shamed by my so-called mother, for needing anything, her message felt like she was saying  " how dare you need something,who do you think you are ,I am the only one who gets attention."

[Moondance]

  all of that!!

[Kizzie]

I was shamed by my so-called mother, for needing anything, her message felt like she was saying  " how dare you need something,who do you think you are ,I am the only one who gets attention."

My NM was the same although because she wanted so much to be rewarded for being a good M she would go to great lengths to appear as though she were the best M ever in front of others. I knew it felt hollow and eventually figured out it was because she wanted the attention for being a good M from others and for me to be grateful and thankful for things any non-survivor M would unconditionally give their children - caring attention, reassurance, nurturing, etc.

Anyway, I hope things went well with your landlord.     

[Alexandra]

Hello Kizzie; My so-called mother wanted me to be endlessly grateful, to her ,as well ,if she though I was not grateful enough, she would take away the things I used, I had no, private property, she also demanded ,that I told her what a perfect mother she was , as she was also a schizophrenic, she did not get along with others, it did not take them long for people to find out who she was, they would get unlisted phone numbers, when she turned up uninvited at someone's home ,they would call the police, she took  me along, I felt very embarrassed ,some people even moved to get away from , my so-called mother . I know how angry it made me feel, to have to have these gratitude sessions, and tell, her what a perfect mother she was, I can imagine how angry you felt, with others thinking, your mother was a very good mother. I once heard a phrase about N's, " a saint in public and a devil at home," perhaps that describes your mother.