Do I tell my mom?

[JenWest987]

Hello. I'm new to the forum. I'm sitting here at 120am. Up again with insomnia. And I have some weird thoughts. Thinking about those people that were around when I was a child and witnessed abuse or suspected abuse. Particularly the other parent. My parents were together until my father's passing. (And damn the man had to go and have a spectacular date of death.) I digress. I'm not at the process stage yet but do I tell my mom my diagnosis? C PTSD? What does that do to her? For her? Does it help me? Well, I think I just answered myself. I don't have the foggiest idea about the answer to that last question. And I think the answer to it will, needs to dictate if I tell her.

[NarcKiddo]

My suggestion would be to consider the question of whether (and how) it might help you to tell your mother or not tell your mother. What it does to her is arguably not your problem. I know this may sound harsh towards her. It is not meant to because I don't know your history, but you don't have control over how other people receive information. So although considering how it may land is kind, and in many ways sensible, your first priority has to be to consider the effect on you. Once you have thought about that, if you think it might help you to tell her, the next stage is to consider how it may land. Although I have said you have no control over how she will take something, you likely know her well enough to know what her possible range of reactions to the news and to you could be. If she is a 'shoot the messenger' type, then you might, for example, decide that on balance, it is best not tell her because shooting the messenger makes the outcome worse for you even if in theory telling her would help.

Sorry, this is a bit jumbled but I hope you get my drift.

[Kizzie]

Hey Jen, I agree with what you've already said about telling her and also what NarcKiddo has said. Just my opinion but you may want to wait until you know more about it all yourself, have processed it to some degree, and have thought about how she may react. 

If she was/is directly involved in your abuse or is/was complicit then her reaction is likely to be quite negative which can be very triggering and painful. It can be helpful then to engage a therapist who is knowledgeable about CPTSD to help you with questions like these, and to help prepare you to deal with her if she abused/neglected you and you choose to reveal your diagnosis.

[TheBigBlue]

That's a really tough question, JW.

Also ... 1:20am with insomnia and those kinds of thoughts, that's a hard place to be in. I'm really glad you reached out.

I've heard of different approaches: no contact (NC), low contact (LC) ... For example, I've chosen (so far) not to tell anyone in my family about my diagnosis.

My impression is that this can make healing more challenging. I've been LC with my NF (narcissistic father) for years, but the other two family members have also contributed significantly to my "injury," even if not intentionally.

In my case, things like parentification and enmeshment make the decision more complicated. Internally, I feel more de-enmeshed, even though externally nothing has really changed.

So for now, I've decided that living with occasional re-traumatization feels like the better of two difficult options.

I think what you said really matters, that the answer to whether it helps you probably needs to guide the decision. And it's okay not to know that yet. These things can take time to figure out.

I'm not sure if this helps, but you're definitely not alone in wrestling with this. 💛