Grateful I Found This Forum

[Brianb486]

Trigger Warning --- Parentification, Emotional Neglect/Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicidal Ideations, Baker Act

Hello everyone, my name is Brian. I recently was diagnosed with CPTSD less than 3 months ago after not understanding what was going on with my mental state. I suffered from chronic insomnia that I only was able to attribute to blue light and nothing else I felt like. Chronic insomnia and hyper-vigilance that started from when I was 10 years old. I am only 23 years old and my mental health recovery officially started when I was Baker acted at 18 years old for having suicidal ideations. I told my parents that I felt like I am worthless and a burden and I shouldn't be alive. I was met with anger and confusion. My dad told me he was disappointed in me for saying that. My mom told me that I should cut that * out when I first showed signs of gastritis from the depression secondary to the chronic insomnia and undiagnosed CPTSD.

I used to take melatonin and whatever other OTC supplements I could get my hands on just to sleep three hours of fragmented sleep all through my school life. They came around and wanted to schedule a psychiatric consult and had people from Henderson Behavioral Health show up to our home. Ten minutes later I am handcuffed in front of everyone in my neighborhood and put in the back of a police car. I spent three days in the hospital in the middle of COVID so we couldn't even go outside. I got out of the hospital on day 3 and almost stayed longer because the person who I was sharing rooms with had COVID (that would've been terrible).

I have been trying to get mental health help from 2020 to onward where I can say I have a team of a clinical psychologist and psychiatric PA for my medication management that I am in such a better place. Now the process from physiological is almost done, I am on the other hard part of this diagnosis: relationships. I have never had a decent relationship in my life, always push and pull, me with my own problems having to be the pillar of people, the therapist friend, the medical friend (I am a nurse). I am just so happy and thankful that I found this forum with people who can actually relate to me and I can hopefully be apart of a community that understands what I have been through and I in turn can try to help as much as I can.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Brian, 

I'm really glad you found your way here, and I'm so sorry for what you've been through. 💛

What you describe: the insomnia, the hypervigilance, and being made to feel like a burden when you were already struggling, that's a lot to carry. And the way your first attempt to get help was handled sounds incredibly hard and frightening.

It also really stands out how much effort you've put into getting support and building a team for yourself. That takes strength.

I don't want to make this about me on your intro post, but for my entire life I felt broken (>half a century), and I was diagnosed with CPTSD only about a year ago. For the longest time I thought my narcissistic father was the problem, and only recently did I start to understand how much parentification/enmeshment with the "loving" parent affected me, so I hear you.

The relationship patterns you describe, i.e. being the pillar, the therapist friend, the container for others, are something many people here recognize. You're not alone in that.

I'm really glad you're here. 💛

[Brianb486]

Thank you so much TBB. I very much appreciate it and I hope I can continue to not only add to this community but to benefit myself from it for once rather than being the container.

[Blueberry]

Welcome 

I'm grateful more or less every day for this forum!

[Hope67]

Welcome Brian 

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us.

[Brianb486]

Thank you all so much for the welcomes!

[Moondance]

Welcome Brian! I'm glad you are here.

I can very much relate with what you said.

[Dark.art.girl]

Hi Brian!!! Welcome welcome welcome!

This forum and the wonderful human beings who take part of it are an amazing resource for something as isolating as CPTSD.

I'm glad you've been able to put together a support team on the outside, too. That's really important.

Blessings!!

 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to Out of the Storm Brian, I'm glad you found us 

The community here is very caring and supportive so I think you'll find it's helpful feeling your way around the tough topic of relationships. It's difficult for many--most-- of us so you are in good company.