Not being able to ask for help/hoping people will offer without me asking

[Saluki]

I'm not sure where to put this.

This happens a lot.

Please note I am NOT having a grumble about my partner here. I'm trying to figure out how to ask for help.

For example, the other day I said to my partner "would you eat x?" And he said sure why not. He was playing an online game. I didn't say "Shall we cook x together?". I know 100% he would have come cooked with me. But I didn't.

So I started preparing the vegetables etc.

The sound effects from the online games he plays drive me crazy. The living room door opens into the kitchen.

I know exactly why I get triggered by the sounds from the TV. It's because my psychopath ex husband used to command me to cook clean etc from his "throne" on the sofa. The TV was always on, watching something he chose. I was never allowed to choose the programme. Ever. He never cooked, cleaned or tidied. (Except when people came over. He'd put on a big display of cooking and washing up and people would say what a wonderful husband he was 🤮) He never cooked for the children either. Ever. I was his slave. So I get horrible flashbacks when I'm trying to cook here and now which are worse if the TV is on next to the kitchen. That's not my partner's fault and maybe I'm torturing myself by even considering cooking when he's playing online games or watching TV. I have a choice now.

I'm not sure what my problem is: I know I can just ask him to come cook with me.

So I was getting really stressed out cooking. I am trying to reclaim the kitchen after years of domestic abuse and servitude with my ex. It was years ago now. It bothers me immensely that my brain and body can't enjoy cooking. I used to love cooking before that marriage ruined it for me.

So I was almost crying with frustration. My body was shaking and hurting so much with tension. I have fibromyalgia and chronic pain. I am DETERMINED to conquer my cooking trauma, so that's one of the reasons I don't ask for help, because I'm proud and stubborn and determined that I "don't need help" when actually I do and if I was living on my own it's highly likely I would just snack on junk food and get even more unhealthy. Some days I don't even realise I haven't eaten. My partner reminds me and offers to cook me food and more often than not I say no, I don't want to eat. It's very unusual for me to even know I'm hungry until I get dizzy.


The other day when I was trying to cook I was getting more and more distressed and I just wanted my partner to come into the kitchen and cook with me.
All I have to do is ask. I can't ask. That's not his fault.

He did eventually. He finished cooking what I'd prepared and it was fine.

I don't know why I want him to read my mind.

I guess it's little me crying and crying in my childhood bedroom as a toddler and no-one came.

I guess it's baby me being put in the garden in the snow so my mother could get some sleep, a break from the stiff tantrumous baby who never slept and never stopped crying.

I guess it's wife and mother me completely bewildered as to how my helpful fiancé turned into a slave master after I married him.

I don't even know what I want from posting this.

I just wish I could live in the present and that the past didn't make now so impossible.

My partner is loving and caring and reasonable and kind.

I've spent my whole life looking after other people - my mentally ill mother who didn't want me, my mentally unstable psychopath ex husband who didn't want me except for a sex object toy and a slave, my children, my eldest of whom couldn't cope with growing up and who has cut me out of her life...

...Now I STILL have this "I want to take care of people" thing inbuilt.

Trying to learn to take care of me or to allow my partner to take care of me is almost impossible.
 

[NarcKiddo]

Much of what you write resonates hugely.

A practical thought that might be of use in a similar cooking situation - might noise-cancelling earbuds work for you to drown out the TV noise and play something calming? Or could you ask him to use headphones when he plays games, given those noises are objectively annoying to anyone who is not engaged in the game?

I often find that timing my requests can make me feel better about it. For example in the the situation you describe, when partner is already engaged in a game I would find it impossible to ask him to stop and come help me cook instead. I might, however, be able to ask how long he will be playing for. And then go on to suggest that it might be nice to eat x and perhaps you could prepare it together when he has finished.

You perhaps could to give some thought to typical scenarios and how you might manage them to work in your favour. Enough examples of that happening should help you to feel stronger about asking outright, rather than always feeling you have the manage the situation first. And maybe give some thought to how you might occupy yourself while waiting to ask for help, because the more worked up you get the worse asking for help will feel and it all turns into a vicious cycle. For example there are various situations or places which I find challenging, and a particular coffee bar where there are no bad associations for me. I find it a really helpful place to make requests or suggestions when I am not triggered. Plus it is a place where he is not engaged in anything other than having coffee and a chat, so I know he is receptive. In an ideal world of course we would just ask for and receive help - but baby steps should make it far easier.

[Saluki]

Thank you for understanding, and for the useful suggestions, NarcKiddo.
I'm glad it's not just me who can't cope with video game sound effects! I thought it was just me. Not that I'm glad anyone else suffers them...
I'm useless at playing video games. I used to play them with my kids when they were younger but I never did get any good at them. Most of the games these days seem to be single player, which makes it boring. I used to really enjoy Lego games with my kids. They always beat the bosses though. I didn't stand a chance!

I think another reason I'm scared to ask is because I hate being criticised because all I ever experienced was criticism before and my partner experienced a lot of criticism previously too, so I'm quite desperate not to make him feel bad equally as I am desperate not to be criticised myself. But I also have to acknowledge that I'm not scared of my partner so I don't think he'd mind me asking in the slightest. I just close the living room door and put on music sometimes but the feeling of helplessness is still there. Also I refuse to let him do things for me even if I find them difficult sometimes because I was treated like a slave by my ex and I have a massive problem with feeling like someone is doing something for me. Oh dear, it's really silly because I actually love doing things for people who do things for me too ie) there's a good balance. I've never had that balance before and now I have it, I don't know what to do with it...

[NarcKiddo]

It's good that you're thinking it all through and noting things down here, too.

 

[Kizzie]

Saluki, I wonder if being reluctant to ask him is not only because you need to be fiercely independent, but maybe because you're also afraid of how he will react.  And by this I mean it's an in either case I'll be triggered kind of way. If he reacts by helping you are no longer as independent, it feels like you are being dependent and for us that can be quite triggering, especially for you given what you went through with your ex. And if he does something like sigh and get up reluctantly, then he is not the person you think he is - "loving and caring and reasonable and kind" and instead a throw back to your ex.

I can hear the frustration in your post and the sadness about life not being simple and kinder and less confusing and I 'm so sorry you are dealing with that. CPTSD sucks.  In my experience understanding why I feel the way I do in certain situations and being compassionate with myself has helped and given me the emotional wherewithal to try to do things differently. Maybe it's what will help you.