Post-Traumatic Joy

[SenseOrgan]

In the past two months or so, I had quite a few social experiences in which I felt much safer than I would have years ago. I was present, and not occupied with getting out of there asap. I was actually there, interacting. In these recent situations, I internally popped the champaign. Realizing and experiencing what's happening in those moments is a special kind of joyous. It's simultaneously extraordinary and completely normal. It's relating as I could not even imagine existing for most of my life. I hadn't had a taste of it. I didn't have a reference. I knew not what it was. I knew not what I was missing. And how much it was affecting me. These are, without a doubt, glimpses of what it's like to be out of the storm.

These glimpses started happening over seven years ago. I did mention this to friends, but nobody really groked how significant these were for me. And are. It's like having to explain what it's like to deal with CPTSD your whole life, and than having the shock of experiencing what it's like to be out of that groove. I can't convey that to people who haven't lived that themselves. Even though I was in awe of what was happening right away, I just realized I could never fully enjoy it. Because with that too, I was fundamentally alone. Even with these incredibly positive experiences, I felt alone on this planet. There's something sad about popping the champaign alone, isn't it? So even that was orbiting the black hole of CPTSD.

Not anymore! Interacting with you guys is the missing link I couldn't find anywhere for so long. Whenever I have these post-traumatic joy moments now, I don't feel alone with them anymore. I know everyone here appreciates their significance. I think it was Pete Walker who wrote that CPTSD can make people feel like they're aliens in a crowd, or something along those lines. CPTSD is like a gift that keeps on giving, since your trajectory starts to differ so much as a result of it, that it becomes hard to relate to people who don't deal with it. That feedback loop is awful. And extremely difficult to interrupt.

The reason I actually did bother to pop the champaign internally recently, is that I feel connected to you now. Us is part of me now. It couldn't have been just anyone else. The connection I feel with you is different from the connection I feel with non-survivors. My post-traumatic joy doesn't happen in a social vacuum, like all my internal experience have for most of my life. For me, that component is integral to this joy. The depth of it, is as deep as the suffering was. It's come full circle if it doesn't happen to that degree in isolation. I so much appreciate OOTS and you being here! Thank you Kizzie, thank you everybody!

[Marcine]

Cheers, SO! Clink of the champagne glasses! Sante!
So happy for you and the post-traumatic joy you experience!

[SenseOrgan]

Cheers Marcine!   


Part of we is me.
Part of me is we.
Ubuntu.

[Kizzie]

I absolutely love the term "post-traumatic joy" SO      There is nothing quite so wonderful than feeling that connection and understanding with other survivors that can bring about a sense of belonging and joy.  Pass the champagne please