Living As All of Me

[sanmagic7]

But I'm not in a war zone. I can have preferences. I can have boundaries. I can have water, or tea, I can make a morning routine or not. If I focus on what I want for myself, I feel my self come more into presence,

i thought this was a profound realization, and i loved reading it, hannah1.

i have felt that 'nothingness' about myself as well, which is why, i think, when i thought about doing parts work, i was afraid there were no parts in there.  just a big block of 'me' who does what needs to be done. there's always been something that needs to be done, and it was often some sort of survival.  so, all of me was focused on just that, which was plenty. no room for anything else.

so glad for you that you found your 'self' in all this.  well done!  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

Thank you all for interacting with my journal. In thinking more about what everyone has been sharing here and in their own journals I've been trying something new in the mornings.

All my life when I first wake up, I feel calm and peaceful. Clear. But immediately, I remember "oh yeah, my life is ruined." the past hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel, "someone who's been through what I've been through can never succeed or be happy." This is obviously a toxic belief from the past, when I would wake in the morning and remember whatever abuse had happened the previous day or night. It's like every morning I realize it all over again and have some kind of emotional flashback of intense doom. It's like being sucker punched every morning.

The last few mornings I've been trying something new. I've been trying to "hold on" to the peace I initially wake up with. I don't know how I'm doing it. It's not denial, I'm aware that I have a difficult past, but I just insist that my mind stay in the calm at the same time as knowing that. Like walking a horse, where I just insist we not walk through the puddle, or with Frank, I just insist that he not jump out of my arms until I've lowered him enough to not break a leg. I don't squeeze or grip Frank, that would make him leap even more. I just mentally insist, hold firm and he gets the message, "this is for your good" and he relaxes and waits to be lowered. With the horse I can't pull him around the puddle, he's 2000 lbs and I'm 150. But I can mentally "hold" my space. I'm sure energetically that my "holding" affects my musculature and nerves and that's what the animals are responding to. It's pretty cool to see that somehow I can do the same with myself. It takes focus and attention and intention.

I don't know if this will keep working but I"m intrigued. If I can hold off the negative belief and rush of despair and self-recrimination for a few hours, I seem to be over it and it never descends. When I first wake up I'm probably more vulnerable to it. By the time I've done my, AHEM, "morning routine," I'm more in the present and have more inner resources.

I keep working on my clothes. I am experimenting with brighter colors lately. Red pants and a blue denim swing top, snakeskin Mary janes. Red and white striped button up under a bright blue sweater, camo pants. Pine green sweater, white pants, green sneakers. I am drawn to the intense color contrasts and pattern mixing but I can't quite handle the contrast, I end up washed out, the clothes are wearing me. The way to deal with this is wear makeup. I can't quite cross that bridge and don't know if I will. My family had extremely conservative beliefs that outlawed makeup, yet it was applied to me unpleasantly for other people's enjoyment. Such a toxic stew. So I may have to steer back to more monochrome outfits for less contrast, and more browns, blues and grays. I'm trying to see if I can get the contrast I want through texture instead of color. I'm torn what to do about my face. In painting, it' like putting on makeup, you blush the cheek, fill in the lip. It never looks garish. I would like to be able to "paint" my face, to highlight, to add color to balance my garments like I do in a painting. It's just so scary, I know I will feel all manner of disgust, feel clownish. Anyway I'm thinking about it which is step one of exposure.

I'm pretty psyched because I've started PT and while it's tough, I am already getting stronger. After a few years of lying in bed too many hours a day, I'm very deconditioned. I am angry at myself for becoming so depressed. Whenever my kids were not at home, I was in bed, and that may have led to my illness and certainly led to my torn knee ligament. I'm happy that already all my muscles are waking up, I"m moving without pain, getting my arm mobility back after surgery, and my knee seems to be healing. It feels amazing to be more in my body, to feel strong like I used to with the horses, to feel myself moving through space solidly.

I have some difficulty at times, looking in the mirror at the gym is difficult. I have some kind of dysmorphia not about my size/shape but more about ME, I don't feel I look like "me." But looking in the mirror will help me get past that. I am hopeful about this next step, not just clothes but also my body in the clothes, how I inhabit not just the clothes but my body. Can I make peace with my past, can I stay aware of my past without thinking "someone like me can't exist," can I move through time and space in the present moment as the adult I am? Can I find peace? Can I learn to live as all of me?