Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

Thank you NarcKiddo, Hope67, What'sNext for the cheer and support. Truly thank you for reading and commenting and for caring.

[HannahOne]

I'm having chest pain. My heart hurts. I am taking the dog to the oncology appointment. I am in a spat with my partner, we cannot find each other, we are under enormous stress, stress of caregiving for our own family and for his extended FOO, stress of his work, financial stress, stress of my health, stress of endless home repairs as everything is failing at once and needs replacement, just stress.

I have to eat something. I am working on eating and noticing that I don't eat when it doesn't feel safe to reach for what I need emotionally.

the more attention I pay to "emotional neglect" as a concept and experience, the more I understand myself. It feels slippery, I get the insight and then lose it, I see it and then get confused. It's painful to see and understand. Easier to take a slap than to experience a lack of presence, attunement, mirroring, warmth, care. So much easier to describe the sound and feel of a slap and numb it and keep going, vowing to watch more carefully, than to slog through minutes, hours, days and years of the fog of unknowing who I am, what I am, in the absence of any presence.

My dog was such a presence. When I touched her fur, I felt myself, my hand against her body from the inside of myself. When I looked in her eyes I saw myself. And she broke eye contact in a way that felt safe, I didn't have to "try to make good eye contact convincingly!" with her. I could tell her anything and she would react to the emotional content with no mental judgement because she doesn't have the mental apparatus to judge that way. If I said something true, she'd lick her lips or yawn. If I said something untrue she would stiffen or adjust her position. I don't want her to die ever, or yet.

There's been a theme of denial in my life that's new the last year or so where I can't wrap my brain around my health situation, can't always act fast or in my best interest, can't make a decision, feel confused. I'm in the same situation with the dog. I can't get myself to accept the situation. I feel stuck.

I've always been able to pretty easily maneuver, move on, find what I need, cut off what needs cutting off, I've been pragmatic. I have wondered if all the softening and getting in touch with feelings that I did over the years made me too soft now. I've lost my edge.

I know this is also a kind of EF. The denial that allows you to go downstairs in the morning and quietly get a glass of water to fill your stomach, go to school. I don't need this level of denial, it's not helping me. I can get resources, I can get another dog, I can find the emotional care that I need. Part of me just doesn't believe it. Or just doesn't want to go through it. If I'm so good now at feeling my feelings, why am I not willing to feel the feelings of loss, loss of control, of grief? Haha. Gotcha, kiddo.

[Hope67]

I am so sorry to hear that you're having chest pain Hannah and that your head hurts.  You have so much going on at the moment.  I hope you were able to eat something.  Sending you gentle hugs of care   

[WhatsNext]