Living As All of Me

[SenseOrgan]

I hate blending with the inner critic. It happens to me too sometimes HannahOne. It gets really ugly and hopeless. Usually it includes looking back at my life and comparing it to a meritocracy flavored standard that doesn't include the massive accomplishment it is to survive/navigate CPTSD.

Recalibrating is fine. Perhaps you would make different choices now than you did before. That doesn't make you stupid. To the contrary. Where is the past? What are your options now? What do you value? I hope these questions don't exacerbate the midlife stuff! You're a wonderful person!!!   

[sanmagic7]

You aren't hopeless, that's just the negative self worth we all seem to struggle with reacting to feeling good.  I think it's a natural part of getting better.  Healing isn't linear.  Maybe it's even proof that you are healing.

i completely agree w/ this, and w/ NK"s allusion to a bump in the road.  i know a lot of hit this particular bump, and there's a saying i've read here that has been too true so many times:  this, too, shall pass.  i'm not one for platitudes, but i believe this saying is not like that.  i've seen it played out too many times.

so, hang tough, ok?  we've got you.  love and hugs

[Marcine]

Hannah, I'm just a beginner at learning self-acceptance, so take these thoughts with a big grain of salt, ok?

I've found it hardest to simply stop running. The mind running, the body running around. To just pause. No need for answers or doing.

Nothing to fix (I learned that in a meditation class offered by the CPTSD foundation that Kizzie recommended here on the forum).

It's radical stuff and difficult as heck for some of us, certainly for me.

But slowing down seems to allow more of me to catch up and then there's a chance of staying connected moving forward.

I hope you feel some solace soon. You've been working hard and processing a lot. Maybe a true rest-and-recharge on your terms is in order?

Sending love

[Hope67]

Sending you some love and hugs Hannah 

[HannahOne]

Thank you all so much for commenting. I read your comments and took time to respond and in that time I felt less alone. Marcine, yes slowing down. SenseOrgan, yes it's blending with the inner critic. Just being reminded of that helps. These are both part of TIST therapy, slowing down and recognizing that I'm blended. ZenRacer, sanmagic7, NarcKiddo, SanMagic7, thank you for the perspective that this is a bump in the road. Hope67, thank you for the love and care.

This is a recurring EF, a blending with the inner critic, a frantic protector. If something isn't right, if I feel upset, it starts questioning my choices from the most recent like where I drove to today, to the larger about career, all the way back to when I was a teenager, to the choices I made at age nine such that they were. Pretty quickly it's despair because I can of course never fix or change those things from that long ago and don't have enough time left to take a hard left or right turn. More life is behind me than in front of me.

It's hard to describe the feeling, shame, self-hatred, regret, doom. Shrinking futility.

What I'd like to do when I notice that feeling is turn toward it and comfort it.

I have been waiting to see if what's behind it will show. Younger me felt the weight of the world, I had to make the right choices or everything might fall apart. That young me didn't want to make any choices at all for fear of making the wrong one.

Often my little choices couldn't change anything at all. Whether I stayed up late to do my math homework or not wouldn't prevent whatever chaos or violence was about to unfold. Whether I had all the clothes folded didn't change what would happen later. And then this feeling of futility, self-reproach, self-hatred.

It was useful then, to think my choices mattered so much. To feel a sense of control. To feel a sense of purpose in my choices. To feel I had autonomy and power. Otherwise I would have done learned helplessness and curled up in a corner.

It's not useful now. Middle-aged me knows much of life is a given, not made, and I made what I could of what I was given. Middle-aged me knows what happened wasn't my fault and no result of any choice I made or didn't make. Even as an adult, my choices only go so far. There's a lot of I can do, and a lot I can't control.

So many of my protective parts are basically introjects of my abusers. That's how it works, right, we internalize the aggressor to keep ourselves in line, to stay safe.

Whatever bad thing happened was experienced by me as punishment, that's the theology that was beaten into me twice a week for years on end when I barely had an active left brain and a limited prefrontal cortex.

This part has been very active lately. I'm think it's because I"m in this transition away from intensive parenting, so parts of me are worried, what's my purpose, why am I here, and was it "enough"? I'm feeling a lack of purpose. Having young adult kids is an experience of powerlessness I have to let go, step back, and see what they do. I can do that, and, it's hard to watch sometimes.

And also the health stuff is just causing fear of punishment and bringing up the old programming. I'm feeling out of control, feeling powerless.

I tried explaining to myself that I'm an adult, in a transition, and I can handle it, I"ll find more purpose. And the health stuff is not a punishment. Still working on my non-dualism studies toward a no punishment model. With my kids it was so easy because it was so obvious punishment was worse than useless. The kids sometimes experienced the results of their choices with more or less buffering by me based on what I thought would help them learn and at a level they could manage. But no punishment.

The punishment model is still running in me. I'm still reacting to fears that if I make any choice but the perfect one, someone/the world will punish me, with intent.

My feelings and EFs aren't a result of a choice I made, they're just feelings. They don't mean anything about my choices, I don't think.

[NarcKiddo]

Often my little choices couldn't change anything at all. Whether I stayed up late to do my math homework or not wouldn't prevent whatever chaos or violence was about to unfold. Whether I had all the clothes folded didn't change what would happen later. And then this feeling of futility, self-reproach, self-hatred.

This is so poignant, HannahOne. It brings a lump to the throat thinking about little HannahOne solemnly making her choices and hoping they would help. Sweet girl.

 

[sanmagic7]

What I'd like to do when I notice that feeling is turn toward it and comfort it.

this really struck me, hannah1, and i hope to remember it.  what a thoughtful, caring, loving thing to do for ourselves.  i want to do this.

i do not believe feelings and EF's are due to our choices.  as you said, they're just feelings, and the EF's are traumatic hits because of our feelings.  those aren't choices.  feelings are a natural part of us - trauma is what someone did/said/reacted to negatively because of our feelings.  but, we certainly didn't choose any of it, not how we felt nor how it was received nor what came after as a result.  nope, no blame for us.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

NK and sanmagic7, thank you for reading and commenting.  No blame, sweet girl.

Here people understand struggling, CPTSD. It's something that feels real and solid. I want to comment on other people's journals. I can't seem to focus or think and don't know what to say. I think I'm a little lost in myself.

TW death

I'm struggling. I feel like I'm at a dead end. Typically that means I'm too much inside my own head and I need to go do something for someone else. It's just not working right now.

I've seen the new therapist twice, three times? and I'm just not sure. At all. I almost feel a little paranoid. I don't think I feel safe with her. She seems off. I can't read her. I don' know what she's doing. 

Not having someone who understands me to connect to is making me feel alienated and a little paranoid. I feel a bit derealized. 

I am not sure what to do for myself. I could do a PHP IOP but it's just more DBT. That feels so incredibly pointless I'm not even sure I could make myself do it. I think I can't make myself do it.

I feel at a loss. I'm also unsure why things seem to be disintegrating in front of me, what was the trigger. Nothing is making sense. I know I'm in a huge transition. Having kids becoming adults is almost like having babies the first time but the reverse, it's a huge change. I know my health stuff feels hopeless I hate all of it and can't make myself do that either. I know my relationship is alienating. I know I lost my friends in the pandemic. The one friend I had seems to be moving in another direction due to her own situation. And I get that I don't have a daily job for structure. Both kids are aware and there's no structure of school, or kids. I'm doing my routine but I think in some way the kids and their schedule was a big anchor.

All of that seems like a real mess of a life. Sigh.

I know I don't want to face the next six months. And I don't have, having trouble making, anything to look forward to, or a larger goal, motivation. So I've got a present that is alienating and I can't find the future.

I know I've lost perspective. This sounds really depressed.

I know I need to keep working on an antidepressant. The medication for my pain was working as an antidepressant but the needed dose was sedating and this lower dose ain't working. I think I will increase it, even though I'll be sedated. At least for a few days.

I'm eating, working out and trying to sleep and be outside some.

I had a tragic young death in my wider FOO, no one I knew or cared much about, horrible as that sounds. I've been no contact for a long time. Yet it's shaken me a bit, old stuff from when others in the FOO were dying as I was making my escape. I'm not going to the funeral, which also feels like I'm a crap person but I don't want to see anyone. And it will do me no good or anyone else. I'll just feel awful and be triggered for weeks. It's very sad that the tragedy continues into the new generations. Some kind of curse in our DNA. And there's nothing I can do about any of that.

Right now I can't see a future or make sense of anything. Nothing means anything and all the stories I had are threadbare. I can't find any meaning, everything feels like banging on a pot and pan. I feel like there's glass between me and the world, or like I'm not actually a person like everyone else. I feel no one knows me or cares about me. And that's derealization and depersonalization and it's a defense and an emotional flashback. And not true. People do care. It's just care is not a cure for CPTSD. So I won't feel it right now.

I'm going to try to wait it out, because I don't know what else to do.

trying to name it, know what it is, realize I'v been through these feelings before and they are just feelings should help me. Acknowledging howI feel should be helpful. remembering that I've lost perspective should help. Recognizing that my thoughts are lying to me right now should be helpful. Knowing that there's nothing actually on fire right now, even though my life is a bit of a shambles, is important. The emergency is only in my emotions, luckily I don't actually have to go make something happen or stop anything from happening. I just have to tolerate this unpleasant feeling of futility and darkness until it passes. And it will.

When it does, I'll see if there's any useful decisions or plans I can make, anything I can do that needs to be done.

[NarcKiddo]

It's always tragic when a young person dies, but if it isn't right to go to the funeral then you shouldn't. We had one of those tragic deaths recently but it wasn't in FOO. We didn't know or care much about the deceased but we did go to the funeral because we cared about his FOO. It was a stressful experience even so, and I can well see how you going to that funeral would trigger you for weeks. So I'm glad you're looking after yourself and not going.

I hope the feeling of futility and darkness passes soon. I'm sorry you're stuck with it right now.

 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Hope67]

 

[HannahOne]

Hi Hope67!  I always like seeing your name pop up. Thank you, Sanmagic7. Thank you for the supportive words, NK and for sharing your experience with FOO funerals. I am more at peace about it now. The fact is it's a bit tragic that we are no longer connected, me and FOO. And, it's better for me that way and I'm of no use to them. It is what it is. I am deeply sorry for the loss of a young life.

I read a useful book. It's called "Getting to Yes: how to negotiate without giving in." I think that's the right subtitle. The authors worked at the Harvard negotiation center and authored a number of books after this one that I'm reading including Beyond Reason, about how to deal with emotions in negotiating. I am finding this incredibly eye opening and already using it. In short, instead of negotiating from a position you negotiate based on interest. What it is you want, your concerns, not a demand or position. So "I'm concerned the children need a better education and we don't have the money," vs "The children must attend X school." Just that shift  is eye opening. Instead of proposing a final decision and then pressing for it and defending it, try to express your interests and elicit those of the other person. Likely there's commonality. and multiple solutions.

And then how to negotiate fairly, how to hear and listen, how to be heard. How to negotiate based on principles of fairness, how to maintain and strengthen relationships.

I think it's well worth a skim for us who were not allowed to negotiated, express ourselves, or even know what we wanted, were forced into horrible compromises, forced to give up everything, or just crushed.

I have begun applying what I've learned and this new perspective to my relationships esp with my partner. It's really eye opening.  I see how I've gotten us really stuck by arguing from a position. As soon as I shift to interests, there are so many options and ways forward. It's us against the problem, not me vs my partner.

I've also been doing some informal interviews with people I know about their relationships. Most of the people I talk to say that when it comes to getting things done/ functioning/running the household, that's where they have conflicts. That are mostly intractable. And so they tend to ..... dun dun dun.... SET BOUNDARIES. IE, if one partner always does the laundry in a way the other cannot stand.... the one who can't stand it just does their own laundry. They accept that the other is not going to change, and they take care of themselves. Other times, they just accept that the other person is different. So no matter how many times they ask for Macintosh apples, the partner always gets granny smith. .. .the person accepts Granny Smith.

On one hand, acceptance and compromise. Not sweating the small stuff. Flexbility. Allowance. On the other hand, acceptance and boundaries. Sticking with what's important to you, and acting on it.

Most of the people I talked to do not try to change themselves. Nor do they try to change their partner. They also dont' ascribe meaning to this stuff, ie, she doesn't care enough to get the right apples, or he is weaponizing incompetence so I have to do laundry.... they don't ascribe meanings. No one ascribed the meaning "I'm a damaged person and that's why we can't coordinate the apples correctly." They just accept that these differences and conflicts are part of relationships. 

The book on negotiation also talks about the alternative to negotiation, ie walking away. How to do that, when to do it.

It talks about what people want in relationships, ie appreciation, status, a role, power. I'm thinking about what I need to feel more of and how to get that.

I am thinking more deeply about the baggage I bring to relationships of all kinds and how my trauma is alive in me. All of that lives in me. I'm seeing more clearly some of my deeper wounds. How unsafe I still feel. How easily I start feeling uncared for, unseen, unheard.

Nothing that happens now can help me back then. My friend could answer my call, my partner could get the right apples, and it won't change anything for all that lives in All of Me. What can I do for All of Me, now? Right now? In the face of the wrong apples, what can I do for me? How can I turn toward myself and understand what yes, it was tragic to not have the right apple, it meant no one cared, and now is different, and I can drive in the car and get myself an apple, or I can accept the apple that my partner brought, but either way the most important thing is that it's not my fault that the current apple isnt' here, it doesn't mean anything about me, my partner, how loved I am, doesn't mean I made a wrong choice somewhere, or anything else. It's just an apple, it's not love. I could ask for a hug, and go eat a banana instead.

I'm understanding more deeply WHY I need the correct apples. When I dont' have the correct apples I'm that hungry kid again, toddler in a very heavy diaper struggling to open the fridge only to find one old mushy apple. No bueno. At the time, that meant no one cared, which was not safe.

Another layer is that I don't show any of this emotion, I don't share my experience. And yet it's having a profound effect on how I feel, and how I feel about the relationships whether it's a friend a family member or my partner or even my coworkers at the rehab where I become so scared of being visible that I end up hiding in the freezer full of dead rats and filets of fish. In short, I am creating aloneness. I understand it would be hard to say how I felt about the wrong apple, because how I Feel is silly. At the same time, I'm not being intimate, I'm not being open, I'm not sharing, and then I am upset that I Feel so alone.

In reconnecting with my partner and with a friend or two as I travel, I'm realizing how scared I've been. How triggered I still get. How unsafe I still feel. I need to keep working with myself about the difference between a conflict and a fight, between the need to fight and the need to flee and another option, ie stay and breathe.

The bottom line is that I see how afraid I am to depend on anyone. So afraid that if they bring the "wrong" apple, I am erased. It's really a bit much, LOL. I want to feel more comfortable being dependent, whether I'm depending on a friend to call me in time, or depending on my partner to bring home apples, or depending on a job for money, or depending on a surgeon to do a good job. I want to hear from All of Me more about how being dependent was once dangerous or intolerable, or was both necessary and dangerous at the same time. And what I can do for that dependent part of me that is so scared, right now.

Talk to me, baby. Tell me what it was like for you to be so dependent on other people and have them so often not come through. These feelings are so old and so familiar. It's like I was a fish swimming in water and I just noticed the water, to use David Foster Wallace's analogy.

I'm not a baby now. I can negotiate. I can compromise. I can set boundaries. I can walk away. I can stay.

All of this has to do with choices vs helplessness. I can make choices now. And the wrong apples or missed phone call are not a punishment or sign I've done something wrong, can't do relationships, chose wrong, whatever... these feelings of regret, shame, grief, aloneness, fear, feelings of not being safe are flashbacks. Learning better to express myself, negotiate, set boundaries, and accept imperfection can help All of Me be more here and now.

[sanmagic7]

All of this has to do with choices vs helplessness. I can make choices now.

at one point while living in mexico, i was sick and sickly most all the time.  my H did everything, including things like grocery shopping which were not 'done' by men.  for a while it felt nice not to have any expectations of me - those things had been killing me in the states.  so i sat in my rocking chair, an old, sedentary woman of 60, pretty much housebound, and let the world swirl around me.

one day, for some reason, my spirit raised up its head and said - this is not what your husband signed on for.  and i had to make a choice - stay helpless or get back into the world.  what my sticking point was the idea that if i were well, people would expect things from me again.  i wrestled w/ that for a bit, then it came to me - i can say 'no'.  w/o any reason, w/o excuses, w/o feeling guilty.  from that day onward, i began to feel better, and was able to take on life again.

so, yeah, choices vs helplessness.  i think we just have to find the correct choice for each of us.  you'll find yours, of that i have no doubt, hannah1.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

It feels really complicated and I'm trying to simplify it. At the moment I'm financially dependent yet I do all the work, LOL.

Trying to find my choices.

[sanmagic7]