Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7 thank you so much for the broom! I love receiving virtual presents and so apropos of what I need! I put it by my bed leaning against the wall in the corner, ready to sweep away any bad dreams!

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo, cagemates   and hopefully free birds too Thank you for reading.   

Dollyvee, Yes, all those are connected. hEDS is tricky, they keep changing the diagnostic categories etc. I sometimes wonder if I responded to trauma in some of the ways I have because of some of these neurological or physiological differences I was born with. Doesn't matter really I guess. Sigh.

I love that you looked up dream meaning. I used to do that. There's no one meaning of a dream but I love to get ideas. I used to be a in dream group and it was interesting to hear others dreams, and free associate together. Thank you for reading.

[HannahOne]

So deeply tired. I'm not sleepy, I'm bone tired. I hope I will sleep. My quads are shredded LOL. I can't hardly walk.

My pants are all too big in the waist. I hope to thrift a bit tomorrow. The weather change is throwing me. What to wear? I want a collared linen popover, but I closed my business so it's not in the budget. A little belt tightening on the budget now too.

Tomorrow it's also yoga Pilates day with the man teacher and the rock music. I hope I will go.

Then lots of mom taxi all afternoon and evening.

More and more each day I am  realizing so much of my upset is an emotional flashback. And not only that, more and more I know exactly who inside that memory belongs to. And more and more I can see the connection between past and present. And more and more I can acknowledge and validate that part, that feeling. And then it just lifts. It's still there, but it's not a veil over my eyes and ears, I'm not bonking into walls because I'm covered in the mood of the memory. I can operate.

I'm shocked at how much of my time is an emotional flashback. Today there was a man in my house. To check for bugs. Someone comes every six months. Before he arrived I'm panic cleaning. I realize I'm panic cleaning. I realize why. I turn to that part, I needed to panic then, hide, fix. Not now. I move more slowly. I am pleased with the appearance of the house. Then the man arrives. It's ok.... and then it's not. I realize why it's not. I turn to that part, thanks for trying to protect me, this is a bug man to fix the house, it's ok.... and then it's not.

So, I am deeply tired.

I think freedom is right here right now. In this noticing, turning toward, finding now again, losing now, noticing. I hope that it will become less tiring as time goes on.

[dollyvee]

Dollyvee, Yes, all those are connected. hEDS is tricky, they keep changing the diagnostic categories etc. I sometimes wonder if I responded to trauma in some of the ways I have because of some of these neurological or physiological differences I was born with. Doesn't matter really I guess. Sigh.

I love that you looked up dream meaning. I used to do that. There's no one meaning of a dream but I love to get ideas. I used to be a in dream group and it was interesting to hear others dreams, and free associate together. Thank you for reading

HO, I agree. Dreams are deeply personal and there is no "right" interpretation. The dream dictionary I use has often been helpful in pointing out the symbolism that comes up for me. Dreams are also very important to me.

I've never thought about how my "sensitivities" have affected my trauma though I have thought that it's interesting that I've grown to be so hyperreactive to my environment when that's something I had to do from a young age (and likely my dad and m did as well). I have also often confused my being so "emotional" with trauma and my overreactions with how I grew up. But the more I pulled back the health layers, and started taking care of myself in the ways that I needed, a lot of those reactions calmed down. And I notice a direct correlation between what I eat for example, and then how I feel at times.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

this is a bug man to fix the house, it's ok.... and then it's not

This is one of the most frustrating parts of CPTSD for me. However, the noticing, and contacting the parts if possible, and reflecting is a really important thing to be doing. It is tiring. In my own recent experience, though, Little NK is feeling more settled, so we are getting less of the 'and then it's not' episodes. Thus I have less to notice, and thus it is less tiring. Not much less, yet, because I still have to make sure Little NK is really settled and not just keeping quiet and hiding, only to have a bigger 'it's not' moment later on a different subject. Building trust takes time.

[HannahOne]

I'm ending up using this journal almost like an accountability buddy. A way to track myself. I don't have a therapist right now. I have to supervise myself.

I'm struggling at the moment. I got up for the kids, then went back to bed and slept. Which I badly needed. And now I can't get out of bed. I was awake but couldn't get up and missed Pilates. My body needs rest, I'm exhausted. But I'm also in a different state. I can't feel my arms. That's dissociation. The last few days included a big stressor with the school. The situation with my kid is incredibly triggering. I won't write about it here but it's incredibly triggering. I know that's what's caused this feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and depression. Immobility.

And now I'm not sure how to move forward with my day. Nothing feels good. This hasn't happened in months. It took me over an hour to even reach the computer. I guess it happened earlier this week with the dream. This is much stronger. It's like a heavy lead blanket over all of me. I am starting with wiggling my toes. 

I'm thinking shower, eat. I can't speak at the moment. And I don't have a therapist to text/ call at the moment anyway. So then maybe go for a crying drive with music to work through this. I do love to drive, feel free, watch the road unfold. Music. Maybe try some clothes. I feel bad, I know parts of me wanted to do Pilates, want to work out harder. But yesterday was a very hard workout, and my body is very tired. And I'm emotionally wrung out, I'm not sure lying on a mat with men in the room is really going to be workable today anyway. Even though I did really like the men! I just know it is likely that it won't be ok today for me. I will plan to go back to the class Wednesday night. I really liked it. I just can't do it today.

And this weekend is a big weekend for my kid where I have to show up well and function a lot. In fact I have to go pick up that kid in less than 4 hours. So I need to take the next four hours to regroup. Get into the present. Eat, shower. Walk the dogs. Go for the drive to clear my head and feel my feelings.

Having kids means I can't always do everything I want, I have to make a lot of compromises. For almost two decades I've been making that compromise until there was little of me left with the very high needs of one kid. I've been really working on doing more of what I want as my kids don't need me to compromise so much anymore. I used to have to spend almost all my very little free time getting myself into the right emotional headspace to parent. Now, they they're out of the house so much, so I have more time for things I want to do that use up my emotional battery.

But today, I have to focus on getting myself into the right state to be a parent in less than four hours. And for the whole weekend. So that is what it is.

I am disappointed and sad. I don't want to be this way. I would like to do it All. I'd like to parent, work a big full time job, be in great shape, make my art, take care of my house, take care of my pets, and do fashion, and have lots of friends.... How adorable. Haha. No one can have it All all the time. I am happy I focused on parenting, that was essential. And now I have more time for me. But I still cannot do it all. No one can.

And me, I can do less than others, and that's ok too. I am what I am. Acceptance is the way. I am willing to be All of Me. I am willing to be the way that I am. The more I resist it, the heavier the lead blanket becomes and I end up paralyzed in bed with tears on my face or staring. The more I accept what different parts of me need and compromise within, the lighter the blanket. It's already lighter.

Parts of me are angry and sad that I can't do more, can't do my plan, or are worried that not going to Pilates means I'm regressing, getting out of shape, or mentally unwell. Means I'm not being me. But it's the opposite today. My muscles are shredded and don't even have the energy, my brain is deeply tired, I'm emotionally wrung out. So not going today means I'm mentally well. Means I'm taking care of ALL of me, not just what some parts want. And I WILL get back to Pilates. I loved the class, I loved having men in the class, each of us on our own mat, sharing space safely. Just not today.

Up. Eat, walk dogs, shower. Pat Frank. Leave the house and drive. If I go to try on clothes, fine, if I just drive, fine. It's fine, HannahOne. It's ok. You're ok. You're safe here now. Pilates or no. You are ok.

[HannahOne]

Dollyvee, thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing a bit about your health journey and how the physical and emotional interact.

NarcKiddo, I'm so glad to hear you're having less of a"and then it's not" episodes. It can get better, right?! I also find I go up and down. Overall the trend is steeply "better" over the course of thirty years out of the trauma. I guess these small fluctuations just frustrate me. And yes, it's about building inner trust and that takes time.


In the end I washed, ate, walked dogs and went for my drive. Didn't really feel good, but better than staying in bed. Did the Mom Taxi thing. The community had a traumatic event occur. Going to sleep early and hope I wake tomorrow more snapped fully into the present, feeling more together than I did today. Sometimes I just have to ride it out, wait it out.

[dollyvee]

Hey HannahO,

I think when we were having to keep things together and functioning as a young child, it is done out of the necessity of safety and not knowing what's going to happen if you don't do everything, all at once etc etc (mild exaggeration here as that's I think what it often feels like inside--perhaps trapped in doing is a way to put it). The young you might have felt like their world was going to fall apart because there was no known outcome if it didn't happen. But as an adult, you can take the time, and pilates will be there waiting for you. Sometimes I find a break as a chance to revaluate where I am now, and what is important to me. Sometimes it's our bodies, or subconscious that find a way to force us to do that. Sometimes I think I am very good at running from any feelings by keeping busy and deflecting until they catch up with me. These are just my experiences. Please take and leave as you need.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

 

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, i get the idea of feeling/believing that we have to do everything all the time (and most likely perfectly, as well), but i do believe that type of belief is based on a false premise, one we were fed for many, many years before our minds could fathom what it really meant and the impossibility of it.  i lived w/ it for so long - having to be perfect, have the perfect answer, do whatever perfectly, and yes, that in itself is exhausting.  besides the fact that it's unattainable (keep going, you can doo it!  you can do anything/everything!). 

no matter how many times we were told we can do whatever we want, it was not true.  but since 'they' told us that, we believed them and pushed ourselves so hard, over-the-top hard to do it, to attain it, to show the world, everyone around us, and ourselves especially, that we were one of the ones who could actually do the impossible.  it's like we've been running ourselves into a brick wall over and over and over again trying to prove their point, that those bricks may stop others but not us.  not knowing and accepting our own limitations, that wasn't allowed, but trying to prove the impossible point we were being pushed into believing.

so unfair, so difficult to undo, so very unreal.  it's kind of a double bind, isn't it?  accomplish the impossible, even tho the impossible is impossible to accomplish.  no wonder we're so tired so much of the time.  love and hugs

[TheBigBlue]

 

[HannahOne]

Hey HannahO,

I think when we were having to keep things together and functioning as a young child, it is done out of the necessity of safety and not knowing what's going to happen if you don't do everything, all at once etc etc (mild exaggeration here as that's I think what it often feels like inside--perhaps trapped in doing is a way to put it). The young you might have felt like their world was going to fall apart because there was no known outcome if it didn't happen. But as an adult, you can take the time, and pilates will be there waiting for you. Sometimes I find a break as a chance to revaluate where I am now, and what is important to me. Sometimes it's our bodies, or subconscious that find a way to force us to do that.

Dollyvee, I quoted the whole thing because I need to remember it. Others have given me feedback like this. For whatever reason it never entirely resonated. Denial I guess. A strong "doing" part that got me out, and to this point. Very identified with that part. I don't necessarily feel the purpose is to run from my feelings, it's more like what you said above, necessity of safety. Sense of control. And I have a strong fear of... stasis. Maybe it's a bit of flight response. I always have to be moving, "forward," doing. Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective. In fact there eIS more Pilates, Wed night I hope to go. I definitely needed the rest. I Was so stiff and sore I could hardly walk around, LOL. Feeling much better today. Just had a yummy meal of tofu and broccoli. Feeling hopeful about tomorrow, my outfit, being outside.

[HannahOne]

no matter how many times we were told we can do whatever we want, it was not true.  but since 'they' told us that, we believed them and pushed ourselves so hard, over-the-top hard to do it, to attain it, to show the world, everyone around us, and ourselves especially, that we were one of the ones who could actually do the impossible.  it's like we've been running ourselves into a brick wall over and over and over again trying to prove their point, that those bricks may stop others but not us.  not knowing and accepting our own limitations, that wasn't allowed, but trying to prove the impossible point we were being pushed into believing.

so unfair, so difficult to undo, so very unreal.  it's kind of a double bind, isn't it?  accomplish the impossible, even tho the impossible is impossible to accomplish.  no wonder we're so tired so much of the time.  love and hugs

SanMAgic7 I had to quote this one too. I think this is it. My NF was relentless about "being anything you want" "doing anything you want" with the clear expectation being that I become a CEO or something... which is ridiculous, if you've met me, I"m an introverted artist. I achieved for him in school and that's how I got out.... but maybe that's part of the "push" I feel internally.... I literally used achievement as part of my flight out. So when I go to flight mode, I clean, try to attain whatever my current goal is.... I am going to meditate on this more. What part is it that's getting so triggered.

I'm a little scared because that "flight/achieve" part broke down in 2020, and I did spend a lot of time flattened. I don't want to end up back lying down so much. But everyone got flattened in 2020, it was lockdown, and then I had a family member in a yearlong crisis.

Somewhere between too much time lying down, and working/working out too much, there is a middle. Where is it? LOL I think one thing I can notice is what you describe, when I get that feeling of "doing the impossible" that's my clue to pause and see what other parts of me need attention, if more effort is in fact in my best interest or not right at that moment. What concerns might be behind the internal push I"m feeling. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[HannahOne]

TBB and NK, thank you for reading. 

What I want to remember from today is doing a TikTok dance with my kid. I could do it! LOL. And it was hilarious. Part of me did not want to try, but I try never to turn down an invite to connect. It wad fun. I am old.... and also young inside. I made a good dinner. The sun is setting. I look forward to tomorrow.

I had a rough couple days, but that's it, it was a couple days. I don't need to be do afraid that I'm going to be stuck in a bad place emotionally. I can take time to rest, cry, regroup.

I want to remember leaning against the side of a horse ,his sides heaving, ribcage expanding, his heart the size of a basketball, his lungs inflating and deflating. Just feeling all of that, the warm smooth flat hair of his side on my cheek and his breathing effortlessly, unthinkingly. He was fine with my presence. He was fine with me. He was happy to stand and breathe.

I also want to remember an important dream. I went to my parents house. They were moving and leaving everything behind. Going through all the rooms, all the things... there was nothing I wanted to take. In the dream I was surprised at this. But it was true. I didn't want anything. I walked out empty-handed.

IRL. I am leaning into that feeling, that I don't need or want anything from them now. That I am ready to leave them behind with my hands empty and open to receive whatever the world here and now has, ready to give from my hands what I have from inside me. I wouldn't say this is forgiveness. But it does feel final, and lighter. I'm sure it isn't final in the sense that I'll be dealing with the fact that I have to be who I became because of my past... for the rest of my life. But there is a finality in accepting that I don't want anything they have. Some kind of relief. I don't have to keep searching. There's nothing of me back there. I have what I need. I have All of Me.

[dollyvee]

Very identified with that part. I don't necessarily feel the purpose is to run from my feelings, it's more like what you said above, necessity of safety. Sense of control.

I think I had a very similar upbringing in that I was to be the over-achiever, always rewarded for performance in school and I did see that as a way out too, and it has been to a certain extent (now I can refelct that I sound like my Ngf when talking about my achievements). I guess the issue with this for me was that it was about a certain identity, and that this is somehow tied in everything, but I'm still working it out. At one point I realized too that I couldn't "have it all."

I was in therapy with an EMDR t for about seven years and described CPTSD, or how I felt about my life, as being in a car and your kind of speeding along, but every once in a while the car stops and you get out and go, oh yeah. So, I started to focus on who's driving the car? What is driving me to do these things? I don't want to contradict what you're saying above about it not feelings emotions, but offer my experience in that when I was in the car speeding along, I thought I was mostly connected to my emotions in a way, but maybe it was more an idea or feeling of the past; an organization of how I had come to understand the world growing up. And that control is a part that wants to stop an exile/feeling from coming up.

When I first started doing IFS, I felt like that was the first time I connected to "the other side" --what was going on under the surface, which is why I usually bang on about it to new people. For me, because all "this" started at probably prebirth/very young age where I had to adapt to a way of living in a generationally narcissistic family, it is/was such an ingrained functioning matrix of how my world was organised. The "seat of my Self" was removed at such an early age and there is often a feeling of danger around that in just "being." I've also been learning in The Betrayal Bond (and more research to be done into the validity of this), that when young children are exposed to these kinds of relationships at a young age, it changes their nervous system to seek out that same intensity. These are just my experiences, so please take and leave as needed.