Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7 thank you so much for the broom! I love receiving virtual presents and so apropos of what I need! I put it by my bed leaning against the wall in the corner, ready to sweep away any bad dreams!

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo, cagemates   and hopefully free birds too Thank you for reading.   

Dollyvee, Yes, all those are connected. hEDS is tricky, they keep changing the diagnostic categories etc. I sometimes wonder if I responded to trauma in some of the ways I have because of some of these neurological or physiological differences I was born with. Doesn't matter really I guess. Sigh.

I love that you looked up dream meaning. I used to do that. There's no one meaning of a dream but I love to get ideas. I used to be a in dream group and it was interesting to hear others dreams, and free associate together. Thank you for reading.

[HannahOne]

So deeply tired. I'm not sleepy, I'm bone tired. I hope I will sleep. My quads are shredded LOL. I can't hardly walk.

My pants are all too big in the waist. I hope to thrift a bit tomorrow. The weather change is throwing me. What to wear? I want a collared linen popover, but I closed my business so it's not in the budget. A little belt tightening on the budget now too.

Tomorrow it's also yoga Pilates day with the man teacher and the rock music. I hope I will go.

Then lots of mom taxi all afternoon and evening.

More and more each day I am  realizing so much of my upset is an emotional flashback. And not only that, more and more I know exactly who inside that memory belongs to. And more and more I can see the connection between past and present. And more and more I can acknowledge and validate that part, that feeling. And then it just lifts. It's still there, but it's not a veil over my eyes and ears, I'm not bonking into walls because I'm covered in the mood of the memory. I can operate.

I'm shocked at how much of my time is an emotional flashback. Today there was a man in my house. To check for bugs. Someone comes every six months. Before he arrived I'm panic cleaning. I realize I'm panic cleaning. I realize why. I turn to that part, I needed to panic then, hide, fix. Not now. I move more slowly. I am pleased with the appearance of the house. Then the man arrives. It's ok.... and then it's not. I realize why it's not. I turn to that part, thanks for trying to protect me, this is a bug man to fix the house, it's ok.... and then it's not.

So, I am deeply tired.

I think freedom is right here right now. In this noticing, turning toward, finding now again, losing now, noticing. I hope that it will become less tiring as time goes on.

[dollyvee]

Dollyvee, Yes, all those are connected. hEDS is tricky, they keep changing the diagnostic categories etc. I sometimes wonder if I responded to trauma in some of the ways I have because of some of these neurological or physiological differences I was born with. Doesn't matter really I guess. Sigh.

I love that you looked up dream meaning. I used to do that. There's no one meaning of a dream but I love to get ideas. I used to be a in dream group and it was interesting to hear others dreams, and free associate together. Thank you for reading

HO, I agree. Dreams are deeply personal and there is no "right" interpretation. The dream dictionary I use has often been helpful in pointing out the symbolism that comes up for me. Dreams are also very important to me.

I've never thought about how my "sensitivities" have affected my trauma though I have thought that it's interesting that I've grown to be so hyperreactive to my environment when that's something I had to do from a young age (and likely my dad and m did as well). I have also often confused my being so "emotional" with trauma and my overreactions with how I grew up. But the more I pulled back the health layers, and started taking care of myself in the ways that I needed, a lot of those reactions calmed down. And I notice a direct correlation between what I eat for example, and then how I feel at times.

Sending you support,
dolly