Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

Sanmagic7, thank you for reading. It's so good to hear you're finding a clearing I the storm.

[TheBigBlue]

I'm here with you, Hannah, reading this and feeling how much you're carrying.

You don't have to hold it all alone right now. 💛 

[NarcKiddo]

I can't make it up to these little ones, I can't make it worth it. I feel them looking at me with big eyes, asking me what I've done for them. Have I vindicated them, have I made it right, have I gotten them justice, have I brought them healing in a silver cup? I have not.

I'm only bringing them more punishment. That's how it feels.

I'm sorry. This resonates. This is your journal, so forgive me if I am overstepping, please. And tell me if you would like me to edit or remove this post.

I question whether they really are judging you and questioning you in that way. I fully get why you would feel they are and that they are justified in doing so. However, are you perhaps setting a very high bar for yourself when maybe all they need is for you to be good enough? Which I am sure you are. The way you have cared for your own children is proof of that. It is appalling that the little HannahOnes had to go through what they did. Adult you was not there then. Just as you are getting to know them, so they are getting to know you. They are not always going to trust you when you reassure them that you are not in fact bringing them more punishment. Only time and love will allow them to see that.

I got into a horrible state when my therapist suggested we reduce our sessions because I was doing so well. I became immediately convinced that I was totally incapable of bearing the responsibility for the little NKs if I spoke with my T once every 2 weeks instead of once a week. It was a total trauma reaction. We did not reduce frequency and the therapy moved into a much deeper phase. I am glad my therapist made her suggestion but it was terrifying at the time. For all of the NKs.

I'm getting better at looking after the little NKs now but it can be very overwhelming and it can be very hard to be kind to myself in the process.

I hope some of these comments may feel helpful but all of our experiences are different so I will not at all take offence if you tell me this was all a load of guff and ask me to get rid of it.