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[Abitbroken]

Hi, I have been trying to figure out whats wrong with me, therapist keeps mentioning Trauma, based in the UK. I havent had a cptsd diagnosis, but she has told my insurer ptsd. I seem to feel my emptions physically, operate either in a logical autopilot mode or feel overwhelmed. Seem to spend my days 24/7 managing work, pushing away negative and intrusive thought, or distracting myself from painful waves of.. well emptional pain,which I am told is unexpressed emotion. Its hard

[TheBigBlue]

Hi, welcome. 
What you describe resonates with a lot of people here. Feeling emotions primarily in the body, switching between a logical autopilot and overwhelm, and spending enormous energy managing thoughts and emotions are very common trauma adaptations, especially when emotions weren't safe, welcomed, or supported earlier on.

Something about your screen name stood out to me too. "Abitbroken" sounds like someone who knows something hurts, but is also minimizing it: not broken, just a bit. I used to say (and still sometimes do), "it wasn't that bad," "others had it worse," "I should be able to cope." That kind of minimizing is itself very common in trauma. One thing I read on this forum that really landed for me was this: if you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it WAS THAT bad. Trauma isn't defined by what happened objectively, but by what the nervous system had to do to survive it.

I'm still learning about this myself, so I'm not trying to give advice, but from what you wrote, I recognize and resonate with many of the patterns you describe.

You're not broken. It sounds more like your system learned very effective ways to function under pressure or adverse conditions - logic, control, distraction - and now those strategies are exhausting you. The fact that this feels hard doesn't mean you're failing; it may mean you've been carrying too much for too long, largely on your own.

I'm really glad you reached out and found this forum - this community. You're not alone here.

[Blueberry]

A warm welcome to the forum, abitbroken! 

[Abitbroken]

Hi, welcome. 
What you describe resonates with a lot of people here. Feeling emotions primarily in the body, switching between a logical autopilot and overwhelm, and spending enormous energy managing thoughts and emotions are very common trauma adaptations, especially when emotions weren't safe, welcomed, or supported earlier on.

Something about your screen name stood out to me too. "Abitbroken" sounds like someone who knows something hurts, but is also minimizing it: not broken, just a bit. I used to say (and still sometimes do), "it wasn't that bad," "others had it worse," "I should be able to cope." That kind of minimizing is itself very common in trauma. One thing I read on this forum that really landed for me was this: if you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it WAS THAT bad. Trauma isn't defined by what happened objectively, but by what the nervous system had to do to survive it.

I'm still learning about this myself, so I'm not trying to give advice, but from what you wrote, I recognize and resonate with many of the patterns you describe.

You're not broken. It sounds more like your system learned very effective ways to function under pressure or adverse conditions - logic, control, distraction - and now those strategies are exhausting you. The fact that this feels hard doesn't mean you're failing; it may mean you've been carrying too much for too long, largely on your own.

I'm really glad you reached out and found this forum - this community. You're not alone here.

Hi TheBigBlue - thank you so much for taking the time to write such a long response. It is incredibly helpful to hear that I am not the only one who feels like this - I find that every day is like a constant battle between feeling nothing, literally nothing, doing tasks, (logic / autopilot) pushing the "unhelpful" thoughts out of my head, trying to distract, be mindful (I struggle a lot with that), trying to hold it all together at work and then bracing for the "emotion" which is usually - well, the only word I can find to describe it is pain. Sometimes it feels annihilating and trying to label it as unexpressed emotion as I have been advised to - maybe lessens the duration - but it is still horrific and inside those waves it is so utterly lonely.
I am trying to accept that I have "trauma" (I don't know what) but I do feel like I am being a big baby and should be handling myself a lot better than I am - I think I am at the beginning of understanding any of this!

Hearing that I am not alone in experiencing some of these problems is relieving.. and also so terribly sad, as I would never wish anyone to EVER feel like this or have to live like this. It is exhausting and soul destroying.

I have started therapy - which I think has made things worse, almost like it has opened up something - and we haven't talked much about my life - just how I am feeling now, and trying to find ways to manage. It is just so tiring!

May I ask, has your experience of allowing this to land "if you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it WAS THAT bad." helped you and how difficult / easy was it for it to actually be fully absorbed? I struggle with logically understanding things when they are explained by my therapist (oh ok that makes logical sense) - but they don't seem to sink in any further.

Also if it has sunk in, did that make things easier for you?

Sorry if the questions are silly and my post is repetitive, and thank you again for your reply
back at you

[Abitbroken]

A warm welcome to the forum, abitbroken! 

Thank you Blueberry 

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I'm in the UK too.

It sounds from what you have posted that there is trauma in the mix. Since you say you don't know what that trauma is, it could well be what a lot of people refer to as "small t trauma" as opposed to the more obvious "capital T trauma" such as violence, disasters accidents, war and so forth. When we suffer the former type of trauma, and when it comes from unexpected places (in my case a supposedly loving family), it is easy to overlook when thinking about trauma.

It might be worth discussing with your therapist exactly what approach they are using in your sessions. As you are concentrating on the present and how to manage that it is possible they are using a CBT approach. That has its place but many people here with long-standing CPTSD have not found it all that helpful. Once the healing process is well under way it probably is helpful for certain aspects but it sounds like you are right at the start and not yet clear on exactly what is going on. Don't worry - that's quite normal! There's other approaches, such as psychodynamic, that may be more suitable. Most good therapists will use a range of approaches to fit the client.

I'd recommend you maybe read a bit about CPTSD. Pete Walker's book "Complex CPTSD: from surviving to thriving" is the main book that switched on lightbulbs for loads of us here. That would be a good place to start if you have not yet read it. Have a good look around the forum and website here, too, as there is lots of information that might help you or strike a chord. Your description of your emotional experiences sounds very much like they are Emotional Flashbacks (called EFs around the forum) and those certainly stem from trauma. They are horrible and overwhelming but there are ways of managing them once you know how to recognise them. Pete Walker's book has a lot of helpful strategies.

I also want to say I totally understand your situation of things making logical sense but not making emotional sense. The number of times I have said this to my therapist are too many to count. That's OK. With persistence they will eventually make emotional sense, too, but if you don't currently have the emotional circuits necessary then they can't possibly make sense now. Building new circuits takes time and you need to be kind to yourself.

[Abitbroken]

Hi NarcKiddo - thanks so much for your reply and for the information you have shared.

My therapist has said that at the minute we are focussing on the here and now, and we will have to start looking at things in the "wardrobe" at some point once things are more settled. She uses TF-CBT and we have touched on some stuff from the past, not feeling safe as a child... or ever in fact, I didn't feel loved as a kid which is weird as my brother says he did, which makes me feel worse... but glad for him of course. My mum also died when I was 13 - so I feel guilty saying I don't feel like I was loved and never felt safe or held when I know she was a good person, and I know my brother did, but that's another story.


Emotional Flashbacks - I haven't heard of that - I will certainly read up more - thanks for sharing. They are awful, I have these horrible episodes where I feel like this darkness is trying to break out of me through my whole body, and it's so bad I just would give anything, including my life for it to just stop, as it is so overwhelming and painful. (I am not suicidal - it's just the only way I can describe how bad it is when it happens) It does of course eventually go, but in the moment it is pure *. I am learning to try and tell myself, it will pass. I "think" it helps a bit.

Yes, safe to say I am just at the beginning of what (by the looks of it) is going to be a long road.
It helps to see that other people might actually understand what is going on as I feel like I in a 24/7 battle inside myself.

I feel able to share a lot with my therapist about what is going on inside me. then get scared afterwards, and feel like I wish I could retract it all because it sounds ridiculous and stupid etc. Then fear she will think I am too much for her, stop working with me etc.

It's also really good to hear someone else understand the logical sense thing - I can totally get things on an intellectual level, but it sits there and there is a barrier / wall between that and any feeling. I also struggle to describe negative emotions, to me it is just pain - and it's difficult for me to distinguish or distill it down any further.
I will certainly read the book you have recommended and have a proper look around.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond, I deeply, deeply appreciate it.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi abitbroken,
Reading your reply felt like looking into a mirror. The way you describe moving through the day on logic and autopilot, holding it together, and then bracing for that wave of pain at the end - that's been very familiar to me. Especially the loneliness inside those waves.

I don't want to hijack your post with my story, but I introduced myself here a few weeks ago - maybe it resonates with you too:

Hi everyone. I'm in my mid-50s living with Complex PTSD rooted in early attachment trauma, chronic emotional neglect, and long-term parentification/enmeshment with one of my parents. ...

I want to answer your question directly: yes, slowly allowing myself to take in "if I have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it WAS THAT bad" has helped me. But it has not been quick, easy, or linear. Intellectually, I understood it long before I could feel it. For a long time it stayed exactly where you describe it: "that makes logical sense" ... and then it didn't land any deeper. For me, the absorption has come/is still coming in small fragments, not as a single realization. Sometimes it lands for a few minutes, sometimes for a day, sometimes not at all. And honestly, when it does land, it can initially make things harder before it makes them easier. There was/is grief, anger, sadness, and a kind of shock at how much I had minimized and pushed through. So if therapy feels like it's "opened something" and made things worse, that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. For many of us, it means the numbness is cracking before there's enough safety, containment, or integration yet. That is exhausting.

What has helped me over time is learning that the part of me that says "I'm being a big baby, I should handle this better" is not truth - it's a trauma adaptation. It's the voice that kept me functioning for decades when there was no room for need, fear, or overwhelm. That voice - a protector formed to help me survive - isn't bad, but it's not a fair or accurate judge of the weight I've been carrying.

You also asked whether it got easier once things sank in. I'd say: different, not instantly easier. There's less self-blame now, even when the pain is still there. And that alone has been meaningful.

One thing I found on this forum that really resonated with me early on was the essay "death by a thousand cuts."

... emotional abuse in relational trauma is that it does not necessarily have to involve horrific, negative abuse, but can often be more covert or as I like to say mine was, death by a thousand cuts. ... good article ...
https://www.complextrauma.org/complex-trauma/death-by-a-thousand-cuts/    ...

It helped me understand why I couldn't point to one clear "trauma event" - and why the impact could still be so severe over time, through a thousand small injuries. What NarcKiddo also wrote about here:

... what a lot of people refer to as "small t trauma" as opposed to the more obvious "capital T trauma" ...

It gave language to something I had always felt but never had words for.

Nothing you wrote sounded silly or repetitive to me. It sounded like someone at the very beginning of making sense of something that has been running their nervous system for a long time. I'm really glad you reached out, and I'm grateful you wrote back so openly.

You're not alone in this - even when it feels utterly lonely inside the waves
 

[NarcKiddo]

My mum also died when I was 13 - so I feel guilty saying I don't feel like I was loved and never felt safe or held when I know she was a good person

I'm sorry for your loss.

Lots for you to unpack with your therapist. But I just wanted to jump in and mention another book that might be of interest. "The Myth of Normal" by Gabor Mate. It deals a lot towards the latter part of the book with societal issues and the author is not shy of sharing his views on capitalism and politics, which may or may not bother you. But the start of it deals with many aspects of how trauma can arise even within a loving family. He is very particular about focusing not on blame but on understanding cause and effect.

[Abitbroken]

Thank you both for your lengthy and considerate responses. It's overwhelmed me that you have both taken the time to offer support and insight.

To actually have people who understand / relate to what I am living inside, is incredibly helpful. I have been lost with trying to explain myself and not feeling totally and utterly alien to every other human, even my poor therapist - she hasn't once dismissed or made me feel bad for anything - but I do get the voice telling me "she's just being kind, it's her job, she secretly thinks X, Y, Z" I try to ignore it as much as possible as the evidence is that she is a safe person, but it get's me and adds to the list of "unhelpful" thoughts that I am continually batting away.

I am 46 and have I think I have always been this way, but recently after I ended an 18.5 year relationship (which my Therapist says was unhealthy for me and says "Coercive Control"  - which as before.. I can see logically but nothing has landed emotionally yet) and have finally got my own place again, after selling the house etc. etc. It has all gotten worse, crippling in fact. I genuinely feel like every hour (sometimes minute is a fight with whatever this is and it is exhausting). It has impacted my ability to do my job, I have had to have a lot of time off sick and am now having to work from home as the drive and all the people really are just too much. It is hard to explain to most people how flipping hard existing is living like this.

BigBlue - a lot of what you wrote really resonated, and NarcKiddo - thank you - I am not sure I have ever actually even processed that loss, so maybe that is part of it. I will check out the books, each and every one of them. Maybe an audible for bedtime.

The Death by a Thousand Cuts is eye opening.. and sad...

I appreciate all of your insights, kindness and for making me feel suddenly a lot less alone with this, thank you, deeply.

I have had a nosey around the rest of this site, and it is shockingly sad how many people are suffering, and to have somewhere to discuss any of this is incredible.

Looks like there is a long road ahead..

I wish I could offer some support back that was meaningful - but I feel like this is so new and I am undereducated. I hope that you both know you made a difference to me with your responses so thank you.

Now to "attempt" sleep  xxx

[Abitbroken]

A warm welcome to the forum, abitbroken! 

Thank you Blueberry 

[TheBigBlue]

Thank you for sharing all of this so honestly. I'm really glad our replies helped even a little; feeling understood can make such a difference when everything feels this hard. What you describe sounds incredibly exhausting, and it makes sense that things intensified after such a major loss and change. I'm really glad you're here, and I hope you get some rest tonight. 💛

[NarcKiddo]

I wish I could offer some support back that was meaningful

Just being here and sharing is actually supporting others. I did a fiction writing course many years ago. Part of the deal was that we all shared pieces of work and then everyone would offer feedback. At the start of the course we all thought we would learn most from what others had to say about the pieces we had written. By the end we all realised we learned most from critiquing the work of other people - from seeing both the good and the problematic and from finding kind and supportive ways to comment on both. Then we could take that experience and more easily apply it to our own work.

So, thank you for being here and for allowing us to share some of your concerns. I'm glad you don't feel so alone now you've found this place.

I hope you slept well.

[Abitbroken]

Thank you - that was really kind, both of you - I guess I am at a place where I have a million questions and no answers, but I definitely feel a bit less alone, and hopefully as I figure this all out I will be able to share more and offer more.

Right now I am in what feels like a total doom loop, manage a bit of a small part of the day, think maybe this is all in my head momentarily, then bang, crushed to smithereens. I kept myself busy all day yesterday, went to bed thinking maybe it isn't that bad, then woke up soaked in sweat, with a pounding heart, from a random dream which I felt had zero context to my actual life and today back to feeling waves of pain, looping thoughts, fighting to ignore them and carry out tasks etc. It is like living in a war inside and the worst part is fighting yourself. Trying to explain this to almost anyone feels impossible, especially when you don't understand it yourself.

It sounds stupid but when I first got into my own place after the final sale etc all went through - I felt zero anything, zero emotion, total numbness - and just auto piloted.. I remember thinking - well this isn't normal, I hope i do start to feel something.. and now, what I wouldn't give for the numbness to come back!

I am hoping it will soon, it is a relief from the pain.

I downloaded Gabor Mate's "Myth of Normal", Pete Walker "Surviving to Thriving" and (not going to try and spell his name) "The Body Keeps the Score" so plenty of reading to do - which will hopefully help with the looping.

Does anyone else feel like they try so so hard to be good and kind and gentle and wonder why it is still not enough to make it better? That keeps spinning today, and maybe I am not trying hard enough.

Off to focus on my little cat now, she needs me to get myself together.

Thank you again, deeply and sincerely - I have found more help / support here than I thought possible and plenty to be getting on with.

 

[TheBigBlue]

Abitbroken, I really hear you. What you describe is so familiar to many of us here. It doesn't sound stupid at all. That swing from numbness to unbearable feeling is something a lot of nervous systems do once they finally aren't in constant survival mode anymore.

You're doing a lot already: therapy, reading, reaching out, caring for your cat. That matters, even when it doesn't feel like it's helping yet. I'm really glad you're here, and I'm glad you spoke up. You don't have to have answers to belong.

Sending steadiness your way.