Talking about jealousy

[cinclearly]

Hi everyone! First time posting in the forum! 

This forum means so much to me — it truly feels like a real support network. I'm Brazilian, and I haven't found anything like this initiative here, which makes this space even more meaningful.

I think I just want to share what I'm feeling with others, without holding back. I also believe that talking openly about jealousy can make the feeling more relatable and a little less condemnable, maybe?

So, here's my struggle: I've been dealing a lot with jealousy and the fear of being replaced or abandoned. For as long as I can remember, I've carried this inner prophecy that sooner or later, I'll be left behind in favor of someone else. It's like a painful echo of my childhood — growing up with a father who was distant and unpredictable. He would give me silent treatments that could last for months without any apparent reason, pretending I didn't exist, while at the same time showing more affection toward my older sister (I´m the youngest of three). I often felt unseen and disposable.

These feelings resurface in my adult life, especially in relationships and friendships. Recently, something happened that triggered this wound again: a friend of mine, I´ll call her B, stayed at our place, and there were moments of closeness between her and my partner. Later, I even shared with him that deep down, part of me wishes that if there were ever a moment of 'choosing' between me and B, I wouldn't be the one left behind. Saying that out loud made me realize how raw this wound still is. My partner responded that he loves our relationship because it is profound, and that B doesn't seem like 'the kind of person' who could go deep. When I asked what he meant by that, he said B is a beautiful woman, and therefore she would only end up with random, superficial guys — and that the proof of this is that she isn't in a serious relationship.

I couldn't help but wonder — does that mean I'm "deep" only because I'm not beautiful? If B is "the beautiful one," does it mean he actually noticed her looks, maybe even imagined himself with her?

B does attract men easily, and this time it was my former therapist — someone I had actually recommended to her. She began seeing him as a patient, but along the way they started flirting with each other, and it eventually led to them getting involved. When I found out, I felt a wave of anger and sadness, as if my worst fears had come true once again. That was the moment I decided to end therapy with him.

I know these feelings are tied to my complex PTSD — to those old patterns of abandonment and rejection. I believe this is something I need to learn to live with — by holding space for it and practicing self-compassion. But if anyone feels comfortable sharing (it doesn't need to be advice). I think just hearing about similar experiences from fellow survivors could help me feel less alone on this journey, cause I'm honestly tired of trying to force these feelings into the rational framework of cognitive behavioral therapy and feel guilty and powerless for not being able to do it.

Thanks for reading. If this resonates with you, I'd love to know how you're doing — and if any of this speaks to you, please know you're not alone.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, Cinclearly

I'm emotionally rather tired, but I want to let you know I've read your post, even though I can't really respond to it as it deserves! I'll see if I can manage in a few days. It's mostly validation rather than own experiences.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome!

Jealousy is hard to deal with. It is very common for emotionally unsafe parents, as your father sounds to have been, to set siblings against one another. My mother did it deliberately - your father may not have been deliberate but open favouritism is always damaging. I know the feeling of being unseen and disposable. My mother openly told me I should not be jealous of my younger sister because she was prettier than me and more talented at various things my mother valued.

My mother also told me that other women are dangerous and always out to steal men - so, again, your feelings about B resonate with me because I would likely have had similar.

It sounds like your partner is good and supportive and I am sure that by saying what he did, he did not mean to imply that you are only "deep" because you are not beautiful. That kind of thinking sounds like it is coming from your old patterns, as you rightly identify. I've had similar feelings, and in the past I have had internal feelings of very jealous rage when my husband would comment on film stars like Audrey Hepburn and say how beautiful they are. I do not look anything like Audrey Hepburn and I took it very personally indeed. He always complimented me but I still could not bear it if he acknowledged beauty in someone else, and I never really believed him when he complimented me.

We are always going to encounter people we (or others) think are more beautiful than us, or more intelligent, or more stylish, or more talented. I don't think we need to consider ourselves as deficient next to them, though, and just accept that as a "fact". It's more a case of knowing ourselves - valuing our good attributes and working to improve anything we feel we would like to. Not because we are bad or deficient, but because everyone has areas where they could make changes if they feel the need or desire.

I would say that pretty much everyone I have come across who has CPTSD has not found cognitive behavioural therapy much use (to put it politely). I came across my therapist initially through an online site with a CBT framework but it became apparent very soon that my trauma background meant CBT was not going to work for me. It has its place, for sure, but I am not surprised that you are struggling with the CBT approach. It's not your fault. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your former therapist and his association with B - well done for ditching him. I hope you can find a good trauma-informed therapist to help you work through things.

[sanmagic7]

hi, and welcome to the forum.  this place has meant a lot to me over the years, and i hope you find it helpful as well.

one of the things that struck me in your post was the incident w/ the therapist.  what happened w/ him and your friend horrified me and told me a lot about both those people.  this woman may be 'beautiful' on the outside, but it seems to me she has a lot of insecurity about herself on the inside.  the therapist was way out of bounds either starting or encouraging such a flirtation, and here in the states having an affair with a client is both unethical and  subject to reprimand and possibly losing his license/certification. i'm very glad in my heart you dumped him.

i believe beauty comes from the inside.  i've known so-called 'beautiful' (in the standard magazine way) people who were shallow, superficial, and uncaring. what happened was that the longer i got to know them, the uglier they seemed, even their looks.  and yet, some people who might have seemed plain on the outside actually got more attractive because of their personality, their kindness, their approach to life.

so, to my mind, 'deep' does not necessarily relate to  'beauty'.  people can be both, and it sounds like that's exactly what your partner sees in you.  i'm very glad about that, and the fact that he could also tell the truth about B, could see exactly what's going on with her. 

i, too, had never been told i was pretty by either of my parents, and spent many, many years flitting here and there, trying to get that 'fix'.  i didn't learn about my own beauty until very late in my life.  i'm comfortable with it now, but the uncertainty about it for so long was a terrible thing to endure. 

thanks for sharing.  all the best to you.  may i send love and a hug filled w/ your own beauty and a mirror so you can see it as well.