Talking about jealousy

[cinclearly]

Hi everyone! First time posting in the forum! 

This forum means so much to me — it truly feels like a real support network. I'm Brazilian, and I haven't found anything like this initiative here, which makes this space even more meaningful.

I think I just want to share what I'm feeling with others, without holding back. I also believe that talking openly about jealousy can make the feeling more relatable and a little less condemnable, maybe?

So, here's my struggle: I've been dealing a lot with jealousy and the fear of being replaced or abandoned. For as long as I can remember, I've carried this inner prophecy that sooner or later, I'll be left behind in favor of someone else. It's like a painful echo of my childhood — growing up with a father who was distant and unpredictable. He would give me silent treatments that could last for months without any apparent reason, pretending I didn't exist, while at the same time showing more affection toward my older sister (I´m the youngest of three). I often felt unseen and disposable.

These feelings resurface in my adult life, especially in relationships and friendships. Recently, something happened that triggered this wound again: a friend of mine, I´ll call her B, stayed at our place, and there were moments of closeness between her and my partner. Later, I even shared with him that deep down, part of me wishes that if there were ever a moment of 'choosing' between me and B, I wouldn't be the one left behind. Saying that out loud made me realize how raw this wound still is. My partner responded that he loves our relationship because it is profound, and that B doesn't seem like 'the kind of person' who could go deep. When I asked what he meant by that, he said B is a beautiful woman, and therefore she would only end up with random, superficial guys — and that the proof of this is that she isn't in a serious relationship.

I couldn't help but wonder — does that mean I'm "deep" only because I'm not beautiful? If B is "the beautiful one," does it mean he actually noticed her looks, maybe even imagined himself with her?

B does attract men easily, and this time it was my former therapist — someone I had actually recommended to her. She began seeing him as a patient, but along the way they started flirting with each other, and it eventually led to them getting involved. When I found out, I felt a wave of anger and sadness, as if my worst fears had come true once again. That was the moment I decided to end therapy with him.

I know these feelings are tied to my complex PTSD — to those old patterns of abandonment and rejection. I believe this is something I need to learn to live with — by holding space for it and practicing self-compassion. But if anyone feels comfortable sharing (it doesn't need to be advice). I think just hearing about similar experiences from fellow survivors could help me feel less alone on this journey, cause I'm honestly tired of trying to force these feelings into the rational framework of cognitive behavioral therapy and feel guilty and powerless for not being able to do it.

Thanks for reading. If this resonates with you, I'd love to know how you're doing — and if any of this speaks to you, please know you're not alone.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, Cinclearly

I'm emotionally rather tired, but I want to let you know I've read your post, even though I can't really respond to it as it deserves! I'll see if I can manage in a few days. It's mostly validation rather than own experiences.