Healing self and child

[Yael]

This is Matilda. Now Yael.

I was in great turmoil. As you all noticed. I started to speak up. Withdraw out of shame over betraying my family. Speak up. Withdraw. I decided to leave the forum and heal first. Things are more stable now. But still sad. I like to write about healing here. I chose a new name. I did not want to end up at Matilda251, Matilda252, etc. And wanted a fresh start.

I am working hard on my medical situation. I eat well, sleep well. I am organising a much needed surgery. I had severe anemia for years. Begged for help. And finally had an iron IV. It threw me out of whack for  a month. But now it's good. And I have more energy, more positivity, and especlally a clearer mind. And stabler mood. My emotions are still bothering me - I am mourning. But I can easily control them. Kid says he notices I am happier. 

I am also working on keeping my house and garden better. It's a weak spot. To clean up when I feel low, is hard. I know it is important for my kid. So I'm working hard. And I have a few nice people around me. A few nice friends. Even if not many. I learned to be myself. And that has value. 

Kid and I still see each other the same amount. And we went on a holiday together. It was 10 days. In a city just across the border. Few hours by train. Kid loves big cities. We went to a football match, karting and shopping. As he loves. We went to see small nerdy books and board game shops and parks. As I love. And we went out for dinners and drinks. As we both love.

We had a good time. I think. I was stable enough emotionally to go. There is things I am happy about. Kid is growing more confident and independent. He is kind. And he seems cheerful. We joke with each other a lot. There's also worry. I don't know what is teen boy stuff, and what is trauma stuff. But I feel he's a bit withdrawn. On his phone a lot. Sleeping out late. Suppressing emotions. And in a parentified position. I don't like that.

I decided to put my full focus on me and kid. Should have done that ages ago. Therapy for us will start soon.

This also means I fully let go of family. They don't care. I stopped reaching out to my brothers and the others. And I introduced yellow rock. Now grey rock. With dad.

I think dad's core is not narcissism. But severe avoidant attachment. With narcissistic behaviour in conflict. I am warmer to the cashiers in the supermarket than to dad. I just exchange practicallities. And if he starts his games, I tell him I am not going there and will call back another time. And hang up. It saddens me to my core. Because I also see his good sides if the walls are down a bit. But there is no other way. All my reaching out was only hurting us all. Dad tells CPS we are doing better now. I think he's delusional. His daughter went no contact. And he either did not notice and did not care. Or plays tough and pretends not to notice and not to care. 

I see he does mind when he loses control. The strange things is...he rarely shows normal love. Outside of doing something practical now and then, which he always uses against me for months after. Saying I'm ungrateful because he does so much for me. But when I said I decided on solo parallel parenting, he seemed scared. Dad doesn't show emotion openly. But I noticed it stressed him. He protested. He said I could not just decide that. That he had a say too. That he would make CPS not do that. He then went back to "i don't care" modus. But I saw the fear. It puzzles me. I reached out five billion times and dids a ton of attempts at systems therapy. Me and kid went through great pain because he blocked everything. Now I say: fine, we do it your way. Parallel parenting it is. No contact. No systems therapy. And he protests it isn't fair?!? And suddenly wants systems therapy?

I notice he also doesn't like the part where I don't interfere in his home, but he cannot control my home either. He shielded everything in his home for years. I had no information, no say, no sight on how my child was raised. He even was planning a trip to Africa with my son. Without discussion. I have sole custody. And he ignored that. Now I shield my home as well. He started to question me over things that happened here. I said I'm not going there, this is my house and my kid. And he got mad. He played this avoidance for years, to my despair. Now I put a boundary and I'm independent. I don't see any attempts to repair our bond. I do see he secretly dislikes losing control.

I need to make an ultimate decision in a week. I'm scared to truly let go. I love my dad. A lot. But I cannot love someone hidden in a bunker throwing rocks at me. I still think I should be gentle and kind and patient. But he keeps breaking our hearts. I find it so, so, so hard to make this final. To give up trying. It makes me feel I go against my faith too.

CPS will take another year to decide what should happen. I have to get things in order. A foster family is no option for them. I don't think anything is going to change. Dad will fight me to death to keep my kid. I genuinely don't know what is best for kid now. I will at least focus on making the situation on my side better. So that I don't let them throw me out of balance anymore. That is on me.

I mourn the loss of everything. Maybe if I had changed better, earlier, I could have protected my kid. And healed myself and my family.

I wish to write here about my goals. And how I keep them. I want to be myself again as person and mother. Have it good. In a simple way.  Today will be cleaning. Writing to CPS. I have to give feedback to a plan. And kid will be here. I want the house cleaned.















 

[Yael]

The therapist had a nice quote. She says: we have a big front window and a tiny mirror for looking back. That's what life is supposed to be. A lot of looking ahead, only a bit of looking back.

[Yael]

Oh and I am proud. My therapist said, yesterday, that she was suprised. That she could say a lot to me. Feedback. Even critical feedback. Critical questions. And that I easily reflected or saw her perspective if her feedback made sense. That I wasn't defensive.

That's one of the traits I tried to purge from myself: defensiveness. I try to really hear someone's criticism and reflect. If I think it makes sense, I do something with it. If it doesn't I honestly and gently give that back. 

I am proud of that. 

[NarcKiddo]

Hello Yael. It's good to see you back. I'm glad you are proud of what your therapist said - you should be. It is a really hard thing to take difficult feedback on board without getting defensive.

[Yael]

Thanks.

I'm really proud. My social worker said it too. He said I listen well to his advice, weight it carefully against my own self, then respond with what I can (or can't) take from it calmly. I think it's also a result of growing a stronger self. 

My family is very "I am perfect I did no wrong ever". I hated that. I tried to really grow in this respect. I think it important to my kid. I'm proud of him too. He's a young teen. But he too can take feedback better and better. Sometimes with a joke and sometimes with calmly explaining. But I notice he does hear me. And take responsibility.

[Yael]

https://youtu.be/gmM8JNXvWxA?feature=shared

Song of Ren and Token (rap) about difficult love after abuse.

[Yael]

I have to answer the CPS plan today. I'm scared. I keep doubting myself. I keep feeling it is unkind to cut off dad. I want to be forgiven, how can I not forgive and reconcile?

My family has a really easy story: they are normal, I am crazy. They are right, I am wrong. They are good, I am bad. This enables them to function. And have a good life. My mind keeps going back and forth between everyones perspective. I think we were all crazy. We were all wrong. We were all bad. And we all had good sides too.

When I confronted the issues in the family, they always kept saying: you are crazy, you are dumb, you are the problem, you are wrong, your memory is wrong, you talk nonsense, you are fantasizing, you are hypersensitive, we only treat you like this because you are difficult, you deserve it, etc etc. It makes me doubt all the time. What if they are right and I AM the only problem? Would they have stopped abusing us if I had worked harder to change?

I also was abusive. I screamed and yelled that it should stop. I begged to seek help, I blindly panicked, I fled and ran off from home. I would sit at the station at night as a teen, fleeing the fighting at home. My parents must have been terrified. That makes it even more difficult. I feel I'm still responsible, fully, for my deeds. Even if I was driven to despair on purpose. I still had to be stronger. What if I had never fought back? Would their abuse have stopped in its tracks? I know if I kept completely silent, they would humiliate me for hours. And then conclude: see, you are the problem. Even if I literally did not say a word. But what if I had been stronger and continued refusing to join their game?

I especially feel guilty that I protected kid from his dad, but not from our troubles.

I'm scared. If I tell CPS I go no contact with dad, I fear this is permanent. I see his good sides. I see how hard he tried. I see how clueless he was. Next to the abuse and neglect. What if he can still change, if I'm more kind and calm in responding to him?

[Yael]

I made an email to foster care. I wrote I plea for parallel parenting. And no systems therapy. Dad will go insane and get back to me. Through kid. And I'm terrified. Finding the courage to send.

[Yael]

I did not send.

I think I need to very gently distance. If I go full on confrontational. Dad will fight. And win. He was fighting all these years. Collecting facts and shielding proof. When I just begged for cooperation.

I need to work gently and behind the screens.