The style I present is not the style I prefer

[Desert Flower]

Something that's been on my mind is the style I present is not the style I prefer.

This week I had a training session at work that included a test of our listening styles. The four styles as I remembered, are:
- person oriented: the listener focuses on the speaker, acknowledging/reassuring the listener, seeing how the speaker feels, tuning into the speaker, etc.
- task oriented: the listener is focusing on what to do with the information the speaker is sending
- content oriented: the listener is trying to sort out the information, is any information missing, is the information consistent etc
- time oriented: the listener is concerned with keeping the conversation within the set timeframe.
Here is a website with these listening styles: https://newsmoor.com/types-of-listening-styles-are-people-content-action-time-oriented/

As it turned out, the style I usually present is person and time oriented. But the thing is, I later realised that these styles, for me, are largely fear driven. As I'm listening, I fear the other person (the speaker) will not like me (and will consequently hurt me) so I tune in with how they feel, try to make sure they feel all right, try to make sure they like me. That is, fawning and forgetting how I feel, whether I like them or not etc.
Or I'm afraid to get 'punished' for making the conversation last too long, trespassing the set time limits.

While really, at work, I want to make sure to get all the information I need so I can perform my tasks. So on the inside, I am actually task and content oriented. Only, I will be afraid to ask for all the information I need, asking too much of the other person (the speaker), taking too much of their time, etc.

So what I learned is what I really wanna do is NOT care so much how the other person feels, but get MY needs met instead. A recurring theme. These patterns are hard to change.

 

[sanmagic7]

interesting, DF.  i know i am totally not 'speaker oriented' - rarely do i nod along, validating what the speaker is saying.  it's like i've got a stubborn streak when i see others nodding, and i rarely do it myself.  give me the information, i'll see if it pertains to me or if i can use it, if i agree or not, if it's helpful to me cuz it's something i didn't know before.  i guess i'm 'listener oriented', which apparently isn't even a style according to the person who presented this.

our patterns are indeed hard to change, but i think, since you're recognizing them and then realizing what they mean for you, you've got one foot in the door to making the changes you want to make.  i hope you can keep focused on that, and i believe you'll eventually get to where you want to go.  best with this.  love and hugs

[Kizzie]

I have to agree with San, you're seeing your listening styles, connecting them to your CPTSD and thinking about how and why to change them - kudos!