Hello OOTS! (TW: SH, CSA)

[Yaya]

Hi everyone, Yaya here.

I have spent an inordinate amount of time obsessing over my thoughts and feelings throughout my life. Always felt something was inherently wrong with me. Felt isolated and disconnected from family at a very young age, blamed it on myself, thought I wasn't a good enough person or didn't have the right tools to make connections. Always made friends in HS, but similarly felt disconnected ftom them, always felt like an outsider looking in on normal people doing normal things.

My mother was emotionally unavailable, also true for the rest of my family. My father was not around. He was a drug abuser, have very few memories of him, most of them were him extremely sick from the abuse. My mother did not raise me and my sister. One of my earliest memories is of her still wiping my bottom at about 8 years old.I was never taught any lessons. When I behaved in ways she did not like she would just give me the cold shoulder, not speaking to me for hours, days, a week or so. And then she'd pretend everything went back to normal. Any "discussions" about what it was that upset her were accusations of my failures and other belittling behavior, usually with her being very loud with me. She pit my sister and I against each other constantly. The both of us stayed in our rooms, never spoke much growing up, still don't. When we would be eating at the table my mother would attack the both of us for not being closer, blaming us for the the families dysfunction.

When I was 14, entering highschool, a boy my age groomed me. He exposed me to pornography and over a period of a month he would up the ante of what he showed me and eventually penetrated me. I enjoyed the physical act, went back two more times for it. But after that it haunted me. I felt used. I felt "sinful" and wrong. It wasnt until very recently I accepted this for the grooming it was, but I was always the passive actor and he meticulously initiated the series of events that led to the inevitable. I spent most of my adult life chasing men and finding myself in the same pathetic state of mind as I did all those years ago.

When I was 19 I began to feel more depressed, being in the "real world" I realized people weren't much nicer and I had very few social skills and coping mechanisms. I began cutting up my legs. That lasted for about half a year or so. When my mother found out, after going through my diaries, she insisted I go to therapy. I distinctly remember her telling me to not let the therapist blame her for this. My therapist eventually ended up telling me that my problem was not I wasnt "getting p***y". I promptly left after that session. My next therapeutic attempt would be years later at an established institution and they refused to treat me unless I took a concoction of SSRIs, MAOIs, and sleeping medication. Have been put off from therapy ever since.

Drugs, particularly Marijuana and alcohol from time to time, became my main coping mechanism after cutting. I would be sober for a few months or a year, but the loneliness and general feeling of catastrophe drove me back to drugs and escapism.The last few years has been the worst of the drug abuse, daily vaping of weed, 4 beers a day. For the past few months I've calmed down significantly but still use marijuana to feel better and "alive", in much smaller doses than previously and maybe once a week or monthly.

Obesity and overeating have also been a constant in my life, my first coping mechanism. I dont remember a time I wasnt overweight. I've ballooned a bit the last few years, concurrent with the drug abuse, but I've begun a weight loss journey, figuring out my triggers, eliminating foods that make me feel bad or lethargic.

As a backdrop to these interpersonal experiences I dealt with gender identity issues. I always felt that my body and parts were just...not right. 2 months ago I took the step of beginning Estrogen and I have felt significantly better and more assured of myself. I even was able to get a job after a long period of unemployment.

I hope this post wasn't too long.

[Hope67]

Hi Yaya,
Welcome 

Hope

[Kizzie]

Hi Yaya and a warm welcome to OOTS! 

I am sorry for what you've gone through and what you're dealing with now.  I must say though that the sense I had when reading through your post is that you have a very clear idea of what happened to you, what it caused and that you are doing a good job at starting to recover. I hope being here at OOTS helps you with that.

[Dalloway]

Welcome, Yaya. I´m sorry for everything that happened to you and that you feel like an outsider, as you put it. I´ve always felt that way myself, still do many times. I know it´s the result of emotional neglect and disconnecting from myself as a coping mechanism, but it´s still hard to accept. I hope you can find here what you´re looking for. 

[Yaya]

Hi Yaya,
Welcome 

Hope

Thanks!

Hi Yaya and a warm welcome to OOTS! 

I am sorry for what you've gone through and what you're dealing with now.  I must say though that the sense I had when reading through your post is that you have a very clear idea of what happened to you, what it caused and that you are doing a good job at starting to recover. I hope being here at OOTS helps you with that.

Thanks!

I've spent most on my life obsessing over the 'accuracy' of how I feel and only more recently have I stopped apologizing for my families behavior. Still hard, yesterday I was just in a state of depression. Hopefully I'll find better ways of dealing to break the cycle.

Welcome, Yaya. I´m sorry for everything that happened to you and that you feel like an outsider, as you put it. I´ve always felt that way myself, still do many times. I know it´s the result of emotional neglect and disconnecting from myself as a coping mechanism, but it´s still hard to accept. I hope you can find here what you´re looking for. 

Thanks!

Yea, its so isolating, sometimes I'm not sure if I feel like an outsider because I actually am, or because I see so many people dealing with similar problems but just shoving them down deep.  But I understand how it feels!