Could use some comments from people on similar journey

[evilpenguin67]

I'm a man in my late 50s who only about a year ago admitted to childhood sexual abuse by a (non-parent) caregiver. I also had a father who was emotionally (and probably physically) abused (hit). His psychological abuse begins with the fact that he was an only child whose mother died in childbirth with him and his father told him that he had killed her. It proceeds from there. My mother was a superficially nice person who is essentially narcissistic. Any story you tell her of importance to you becomes about her similar experience or what it means to her.

I've been diagnosed inattentive ADHD for years, but I think that is actually a symptom of CPTSD, not a separate condition.

Anyways, these issues in my life helped to wrack my first marriage and are on the verge of destroying my second. My second marriage is to a wonderful person whom I have emotionally neglected and become severely avoidant with (I'd go into details but don't want the post to be too long; I'm happy to answer any question asked in response). She is in an angry, hurt, depressed state. Legitimately. I am trying to change the severe avoidance and defensiveness I have. Her anger triggers my fearful avoidance.

I'm in a place where she needs me to put her feelings first. To do things that *change* her feelings, or at least address them. But where I am, my behaviors are self-protecting and appear totally self-involved. I really a desperate to connect to her without fear. But whenever her emotions are high, mine totally shut down. I become paralyzed with uncertainty and the fear that anything I do will fail and do more harm. But doing nothing is perhaps the most harmful. My behaviors combine the worst attributes of my parents. Her responses, while intellectually understandable to me, trigger my fear/flight/fight responses.

I'd love to have any advice. And in particular, I would welcome ideas for ANYTHING I might try to do in simple interactions with her that show my care, love, and respect for her feelings that I can do when my "self" leaves (which happens all the time under the pressure of her emotions).

Finally, I am in therapy and I am tarting EMDR. I hope to get to healing, but my goodness, I could use immediate advice from any of you who have been here and made some prrogress out of it!

With hope...

[Marcine]

I sense your heartfelt courage in joining this forum and writing what you did. I can tell you possess an ability to self-reflect and empathize and that you care about your wife. This is beautiful.

For a time, I loved an avoidant partner who fled at any sign of emotions. All I wished for was him to just assure me he was aware of what was going on and to show me he was taking a step, no matter how small, in the direction of healing.

Have you perhaps considered showing your wife what you wrote here? Sometimes that's easier communication than "talking it out".

I wish you the best as you step forward on your path. And if you care to, please share how things are going.

[Storm Glass]

It sounds like you're going through a lot, and there's a good bit of extra layers on top of it. It sounds a lot like where I was at a few years ago.

Entering therapy can help a lot, and EMDR especially is great for helping release reactivity.

I do want to note that adults are responsible for their own emotions and reactions. It's understandable to want to help, please just remember that it's not on you to ever "make" another adult feel or do something.

[Kizzie]

I was wondering as I read your post, first does she know you suffer from CPTSD and what that's all about, and second would she and you consider couples therapy with a therapist who knows about Complex PTSD and has experience treating it?  The latter part is important.
 
It may be that understanding where you are both coming from, then learning to reduce the intensity of both your responses would go a long way to helping your marriage. 

Just my thoughts of course but perhaps reaching out together might bring you closer together.