TV's Repair Journal

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[lowbudgetTV]

I haven't had much thoughts to write in here since I've sent it. I can say it has arrived a while ago according to the postal tracking, and I haven't heard anything. The sky did not fall. I am alone and happy--blood relation-wise, at least. I've got good friends and community. I've only reflected a little bit on how my mother had treated me since the last interactions... I think deep-down, she knows the truth and doesn't want to work for me anymore. Hopefully--I'd be grateful for that! It's still sad. I'd like a nice mother one day.

It's been lovely weather recently and I've been really nostalgic still. I feel joy and openness for things a bit more again. I've started with my therapist on discussing my inability to feel fully present and open about my emotions, and she's taught me about the types of voices we have. It's kind of helpful. I've also just been doing artistic journaling, though, since my life's purpose is really relegated to doing something creative. (That's kind of why it's important to fully feel!)

It's time to focus on me now I guess. No worries and dread about the obligations. I am virtually an orphan, as I have been for years and years. How nice, and how sad that it is so nice...

[lowbudgetTV]

I started my workday off with a notification on LinkedIn that my mother was attempting to add me! Man, I hate LinkedIn. If only I didn't need to use it for my job. It sucks there! All business speak that feels AI-generated (or it's just so standardized and jargony that it feels machine made...) and cringe posts that are somehow trying to relate to career. Yuck.

Anyways, it did give me a "shock" but if anything it felt like a nice dosage of caffeine pills. I've been having a rough time at night. It might be because my partner is off on a trip and I'm alone in the big city... But it's also just subconscious things like my dreams being depressing. At least they weren't related to my family!

The best I could describe the situation as is "cringe." I like having no contact with my family. I have power now. I blocked the account. I tried to report it, but it seems like there's not a "this person is harassing me" option on the there, which I think would be nice... I still did it though. Not a real person, I chose, and hopefully it'll make her have to do stupid authentication she's too tired to do. There's nothing on her account anyways, so it'll probably trigger something. But hey, gives me a good story to say why I still hate the darn website.

I'm focusing on myself recently and forgoing caring about a "presentable career" anyways. By that, I mean I still am doing art and projects, but they're for me. The world can get them later on, when the dust settles.

That's my update. First signs of life from my estranged family I guess.

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh. I am still in contact with my mother but I remember when she tried to friend me on Facebook. The feeling was utterly awful. I'm glad you blocked and also made that report.

[StartingHealing]

lowbudgetTV

"I am virtually an orphan, as I have been for years and years. How nice, and how sad that it is so nice."

that hit me in the feels. 

I personally have exited from all socials. My cost/benefit ratio of decent to garbage finally got to the point that the decent/good to garbage was such that they were not worth the time and effort. If I want to share something with someone there is text, calls, etc.

 I'm seriously considering doing the same with linkedin because it's turned into a very very crappy copy of FB.  Not to mention my tolerance to propaganda and corp speak is gone. 

Wishing you all the best

[lowbudgetTV]

Thanks, you two, for your words!

SH - I agree. LinkedIn feels useless for what it wants to be. Alas, I do use it lightly for work, only to pog in and manage a few things. If I catch a glimpse of some corpo-speak sounds-no-different-than-pure-AI post, my brain gets weird. I can tell when something's so fake and pathetic nowadays, and I don't know if its part brain fog or brain damage from slight trauma I've had before. Either way, I think of it as a weird superpower in this age of fakery.

Modern social media is all corpo now, almost. Few small things remain. I'm creative so I've retreated to old style forums like this where it feels a bit more personable and expressive + handmade websites. I have to go on an adventure to look for pretty art I want sometimes, but that's a fun adventure at least.

I stay on things where the costs/benefits are still in favor of creativity. Having nerds with cartoon avatars cohabitate with, say, public figures on a website was a mistake.

Another bonus to creativity is I've never been the person to subscribe to being my IRL self on the internet, you know, disregarding the disassociation anyways. LinkedIn requires it, and I only have a FB to try and sell random furniture sometimes... (And meta hasn't yelled at me for the fact that the fake name I use isn't a real person yet, ha!)... But otherwise, I am not getting paid for these corps to have my data.

[StartingHealing]

lowbudgetTV, personally I think that is one killer superpower!  Perhaps has nothing to do with any type of damage at all.  I agree that most of the 'net is corpo crap.  For a hot take on the current state of the net, look into the dead internet theory.  I don't remember exactly where I read it, however the claim is that a traffic analysis of all internet traffic, 51% is bot activity with the % predicted to hit something like 90% within a few years. 

Going on an adventure to find good art is a worthwhile thing.  I appreciate the makers, those that roll their own site, or paint, dance, sculpt or whatever.  Art, true art, crafted by humans feeds other humans souls.  The slew of AI generated pap don't, and the corpo crapola don't either. 

For a old school type of site, what about craigslist for buying / selling ? No need for FB marketplace which is mainly bots anyway.  The local craigslist is where I got a lead on a really good used car for really decent $$ that I ended up getting.  I tried FB marketplace and .. the results were not good. Even on simple stuff.  I was trying to find like a back of the couch table and .. I finally gave up, went to craigslist, and boom, done deal that day, where I had spent like 5 days on FB marketplace. 

I know a little bit about cyber security and having a "avatar" with a made up name is actually good security policy out on the web.  Just like having an alias email, or a alias CC# or even a web based # that forwards to your real #, or using a VPN as standard practice.   Unfortunately it has gotten to the point that we do need to be aware of the digital footprint that is created by us.  Well, the data that is collected is then fed into a model and then that is used to deliver targeted ads to us.  I'm right there with you.  I haven't gotten a check from ___________________ yet for the revenues they got from my data.  As such, F them.  Go Galt.  That's what I'm doing. 

[lowbudgetTV]

My partner is the one who posts on Craigslist when we need to, so I probably will just use that... But I also remembered as I was thinking about this: I also have to have a FB account for an old VR headset I use. Which sucks anyways, so maybe I can hack it up and put something else that doesn't require that stuff on there. Then I could truly be free of that old stupid website and company, haha.

[StartingHealing]

lowbudgetTV,

I'm sure that there is a group out there that has found other purposes for VR headsets besides being connected to FB.  Finding that group could be a interesting quest.  Well, you know that they will be working on keeping things on the dl so meta won't get itchy about it.  lawyers you know? 

[Papa Coco]

Hi TV

I just read through your journal as you worked through the process of going No Contact with your family. I apologize for not being on the forum for a few months and missing all those posts: At one point you asked if others had gone NC with their FOOs and I just wonder if you are still curious about how some others have done this.

I went full NC with my FOO in 2010. It's been 15 years since I've technically not heard from any of them. (Technically meaning: Occasionally, I receive anonymous hateful birthday cards with no return address and I feel pretty sure I know which mentally ill narcissistic psychopath sibling is sending them to me. My wife and I laugh about them and we put them in a box in case we ever need to prove she's never stopped harassing me. I am only EF'd for about a week each time I receive one of those hate cards, but all in all, I feel REALLY GOOD that I don't care enough to let the EF get too serious anymore). I went NC without leaving a note. During a phone call with my aging dad who was screaming at me over one of the lies my sister had told him, I knew it was time to stop putting it off. In a calm, sober tone, I gently said, "I love you very much dad. Goodbye." I hung up, and after about a week of ignoring his phone calls, I simply changed my phone numbers and email addresses. I put mirror film on the front windows of my house so I could see out but they couldn't see in (just in case ANY family friend or relative might come to harass me, I could pretend I wasn't home).  In my particular family, a goodbye letter would have only given them something to bash me with. I took the advice of the authors that teach how to deal with narcissists, and I didn't announce my departure. I just hung up. Like that old joke, "I didn't go away mad. I just went away."

The first thing that happened to surprise me was: I've always wanted to write the story of my life, sharing the abuse I took for 50 years, but no matter how hard I tried, I could never get past the writer's block. A few days after going full NC with my entire family, including nephews, nieces, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and any family friend who ever knew my family, my writer's block crumbled like an overflowing dam. My creativity suddenly exploded into reality. It turns out that my fear of those miserable, judgmental monsters (aka; my family) were the source of my writer's block. I spent the next several years writing. I wrote three novels. My family had been my curse all along and I just didn't realize how deep their boney fingers could reach into my soul. The true depths of their abuse on my life became obvious when they were no longer a part of my life. That's when I finally began to flourish. It was a shock. A good shock.

The second thing I noticed about finally going NC, was my recurring nightmares of not being able to escape or keep up...ended. Ended. For 50 years I had recurring dreams that my legs were too heavy to move and a vicious animal was coming at me, OR my legs were too heavy to move and all the people I loved were leaving me and I couldn't keep up. (My trauma is defined by my sense of abandonment. I always feel unprotected and unwanted). Those dreams which were almost nightly for 50 years simply ended when I went NC with my FOO.

After 15 years of Full NC I have not experienced so much as ONE single thought of ever reconnecting with anyone. I have not only been glad I walked away, but I've been sorry I didn't do it sooner. I was 50 in 2010. I spent 50 years being their whipping post. I couldn't go to college because my traumas were so intense I couldn't complete a course. My life turned out okay, but it felt like it wasn't my life. I've retired from a lucrative factory job, but I never wanted to be a factory worker. I can't complain, because things turned out okay, but I'll always wonder what life would have been like had my FOO not dictated every moment of it for me. To me. At me.

I hope your experience with NC gives you the peace that you hope it does, or, like with me, I hope it even exceeds your hopes. My writer's block breakthrough and the end to my chronic nightmares were bonuses for me. I hoped I'd feel free from their lies. I got that and so much more.

When anyone asks why I went NC, I say "Because my family finally got so ugly that even I couldn't love them anymore."

[lowbudgetTV]

Thanks Papa, it is always good to share our stories, if even just for our own benefit. I like telling tales of my experiences to deal with them, and in turn I always love to hear other's thoughts.

I agree; I have no regrets abandoning those who have hurt me.