Therapy directly on a core/primal wound

[Blueberry]

Does anybody have the impression that they were eventually able to head directly to a core or primal traumatic wound with trauma therapy and process this a good distance, so that they don't feel as if they're constantly re-hitting that old thing?

My example is my core belief that I am bad through and through and I shouldn't exist. It comes up again and again. I've done lots of work on reducing its power over me plus lots of work on disproving it to myself, taken lots of concrete steps to show myself I do exist and I'm fine that way, heard tons of positive feedback including in therapeutic settings (where people feel/sense a lot plus don't usually lie for the sake of it), but that old FOO stuff sits pretty deep. I've been mentioning this in various ways in T since, let's see, 2002 or maybe even 2001. Not to moan or anything, but getting sick of coming back again and again to this, despite non-head-on ways of therapy, so as not to be overwhelmed etc. (For those on Mbr Journals, I've written there too but that info must please stay there).

I am not so much interested in what all else I could try in my spare time like journaling or etc etc (partially because I have done far more than I can list, some of which I don't even know what to call, don't know if it exists in the English-speaking world but was still helpful plus I am writing this on a Therapy board    ), I'm more interested in hearing if any of the more advanced in healing on the forum feel that they've made significant headway in tamping down this kind of pervasive false belief about themselves, that they believe came from traumatisation in childhood (including preverbal) or generational trauma? So that it doesn't keep re-surfacing?  And how they made that headway, with presumably a therapist - I need a therapist anyway. 

Please note: I'm somewhere on the OSDD/partial dissocation spectrum, have Parts, might well make a difference.

Can EMDR help in this kind of case, to 'get at the root' type thing? Some other trauma therapy type I've never heard of? Or does it have to be some form of Parts work, going thru each Part at a time? It probably has to be Parts work... I was just imagining: wouldn't it be nice, if I could work directly on banishing these types of feelings - I shouldn't exist, I'm so bad through and through I don't deserve a spot on this earth, but no, how would that work out when not every Part picks up on it...?  

Still, in case it did work out, maybe for somebody with fewer Parts or no Parts, could you write a bit about it? I'm guessing it wasn't over in one session... tho i wish for us all that it could be. And of course there could be other core beliefs/wounds too, there certainly are in my case.

I hope my question makes sense. If not, do get back to me, I'll try and explain better. Thanks

[Marcine]

Hi Blueberry,
I think I understand your question. (If I miss the mark, I apologize.)
I've been in active battle with negative self-concept for decades. Therapy has been a common thread as has been my own research. I can very much relate to feeling "sick of coming back again and again to this", as you wrote. It can feel grueling, lonely, and never-ending. Its roots definitely run old and deep.
I have experienced meaningful quieting over time of the howling worthlessness. I attribute this sense of internal progress to 2 core aspects.
1. Spending time being (not doing) in nature daily, even for just a few minutes. The wordless wonder of gazing at a tiny bug on a plant, the moon, breathing fresh air... focusing as much as I am able in the moment on experiencing the simple, profound beauty around me... feeling a special relaxation as a tiny spec in the vast cosmos... it's a feeling along the lines of "well, here I am, Here we all are, existing together, and it's ok. It's pretty amazing actually." It's the experience of it that has been healing for me. Hard to put in words. The more I open myself to it, the more alive and worth I feel.

2. I've slowly come to peace with the notion that healing/freedom is a process that has no singular finish line... and that I am ok with this truth. I spent all those years fighting so hard and believing if I did more, tried some new technique, then I'd get to that all-important place where the grass was greener and I'd finally "be ok". I can even chuckle ruefully at that, because I know now my worth and goodness have been with me all along, just buried and choked out. But not dead. I resuscitate and revive and re-seed the garden of myself, day by day, step by step. In whatever ways feel best to me.

And, Blueberry, your aliveness and determination reach me through your words. I send you friendship and good wishes

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, core wounds are the most difficult, absolutely.  i believe the reason they're so hard to not only get to but also to put to rest is partly because we may have had neural networks involved, which are always tricky to re-write, so to speak.  to me, core wounds come directly to us from parents, and kids tend to want to prove their parents are correct in their assessment - after all, they are our guardians, we rely on them for our very survival, and we don't believe they would lie to us.  in fact, they do, and reinforcing neg. beliefs about ourselves is one way in which they lie big time. 

but just like kids tend to think that anything that goes wrong w/ the adults in our lives - such as divorce, etc. - has to be our fault, or if one parent leaves, it must mean they didn't love us enough to want to stay, or we weren't good enough of a child, or we did something wrong so that's a big part of the reason they're leaving, our thinking and belief systems are extremely black and white, and we tend to take the burden of responsibility onto our own shoulders. 

if we're already carrying that sense of responsibility around, it doesn't take much to embed it into our brains/minds that whatever happens is our fault, and so we must be faulty as people.  it's not so much a matter of i made a mistake, but that i AM a mistake.  therefore, if i am a mistake, i'm worthless and i shouldn't be here, don't deserve to exist, and the world would be a better place for all if i wasn't around. something like that. and that's a tough one to disprove.

and maybe you've heard all this before, and i'm just repeating, and if it's not helpful, please ignore.

i have used emdr a lot, and it's helped a lot as well.  altho i didn't do parts work, per se, i can remember several instances where i imagined my little me being stuck, just before the goal line (american football analogy), not being able to move all the way across to reach the goal on my own - not being able to get to where i wanted to go consciously - and my T would suggest that adult me would show up, pick me up, and carry me across.  that has helped a lot.

having an adult version of me, with the power and strength the adult has that a child doesn't have, come to my rescue, get me to where i wanted and needed to go was a very powerful image for me.  there was also a lot of soothing of the child me, lots of love talk and encouragement, that kind of thing. i know i did it more than once, maybe for different causes, but it helped knowing i do have that strength in me that was taken from me by FOO when i was too young to know better, too young to cultivate it for myself.

it got me to know on a more conscious level that maybe i didn't have what i needed when i needed it as a kid, but i have it now, and i can rescue my little me in the present. i've also used Flash Technique (an emdr technique that helps override emotional overwhelm) when working with most anything that has an emotional attachment to it.  since i haven't had access to my emotions, this helped a lot to override the enormity (to me) of them.

lots of cleansing tears went along with that whole scenario, but i was able to chip away at some of those beliefs - especially, i'm not good enough the way i am and that i have to be perfect.  i feel much more confident about being me now, not very much invested in comparing myself to others negatively, and allowing myself to make mistakes w/o downing or drowning myself in self-pity and self-flagellation.

i hope this was helpful.  any more questions, feel free.  best to you with this piece, blueberry.  you deserve to have some peace of mind around this stuff.  it really gets old to have it pop up again and again.  love and hugs