Remberin Journal - please do not respond

[Remberin]

Hi, everyone. Due to my excessive trauma history, I've accumulated so many triggers that infuence me into thinking or feeling certain ways. Ideas and other people's experiences are absolutely some of those triggers. So, I ask that nobody respond to this topic; I just want a place to vent. Oh, looks like I can lock it.

I have been so overwhelmed. I came the closest I've ever been to really hurting myself or maybe even ending my life. This was about a moth ago. My best friend/roommate/more accurately, the friend who is letting me stay with him, got kind of pissed at me for telling him that I was going to do it and he needed to stop me. That wasn't the part that pissed him off. What pissed him off was he felt manipulated when I told him later I wasn't really going to do it. I don't know if it was really even accurate to tell him that. I felt it at the time. I feel like my memory may be unreliable.

I was trying to help him feel less stressed about me being here when I told him I wasn't really close to killing myself. Lessen his stress for my own safety, you know? He seemed so freaked out about the whole situation. And there's so much tension here. Place is killing me. I've brought up a few things and it went so poorly that I have completely closed myself off. Just -immediate- stress response from him when I brought things up. Can't get support from someone in that kind of state.

I just cannot escape the constant spiraling. I never feel safe. I am trying things to build safety within my body, but with everything going on, I just don't feel safe at all. I need to get out of here, but financially, I don't know how in the *Purgatory* I'm going to live.

This world just keeps getting harder. And I feel like if I'd done the right things earlier in life, I would've never had to deal with all of this pain, despair, agony, miasma.
Of course, obsessively ruminating on doubting my whole past and future is the main part of what keeps me in this limbo, so I'm trying to work on that.

I recently had an intro appointment with a potential hypnotherapist. I was pretty hopeful, but she got frustrated with me or something. She was really concerned that I wasn't in a state to try some of the calming techniques that she wanted me to do, but I have tried many such things and they sometimes backfire. Also I was in a really overwhelmed state about my doctor's appointment, which happens to be tomorrow, and needed things to go much slower than they were. For the sake of my nerves. I was pretty hopeful beforehand and during, but then towards the end with all of her hesitations I got less confident. I'm supposed to reply to her email and set up another free call, so I suppose that'll happen neck's week. It's a lot of money, over $149/hr. So that part is also scary. But she came recommended, and I'm desperate, and I really have no other way of generating leads on treatments due to how blasted with stress my nervous system is. Argh! Deal with it soon enough. I think I'll send her a partial reply after I'm done writing this.

In the event of me forgetting to lock this topic after replying in the future, please do not respond.

[Remberin]

and now the terror dog has finally broken my skin. hope i can prevent an infection.

[Remberin]

ahhhhhh sooo much stuff to write about... this thing that thing this thing that thing that thing that thaaaanggg!!!

aeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh

you know what i mean?

whanted to write a thing to some of my friends about how im finally starting to really address my trauma, hopefully it can help them as well. want to write stuff to some of them individually.

so much stuff to processs. but right now, my mind is free of such thoughts. 
a weird occurrence.

oh yeah, the doctor's appoint ment yesteray. theres a lot i couled write about that, but i dont think im going to. its too mcuh. its like aaaaa. its like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

you know what i mean

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i been dancing around a bit today. i think it helped with my pots. i really need to eat more food today. soon i will have rice, i guess, probably should get that started before i finishe this poist. nah i'll just come back to this later