Trying to recover!

[pygmybat]

Hi all,

I will try to keep my story brief -- my mental timeline is really blurry so I'm not going to relay ages or anything like that. As a child, my dad had drug problems and was often absent and/or abusive to me, my mom, and my younger sister. We moved in with my grandparents, where I saw more drug problems and started to experience severe emotional abuse and neglect from both my mom and grandparents. Due to that, I was heavily parentified and took care of my younger sister and my brother for many years. I was also in a physically/emotionally abusive relationship for about 4-5 years when I was in high school, and my mom was in an abusive relationship during that same time and well after. I had numerous encounters with her (ex) boyfriend where I genuinely feared for my life, but she didn't do anything about it.

I did end up moving out quite young and cut ties/was disowned by my family because I came out as LGBTQ+, so I moved in with my then-partner. We broke up 3 years later and their parents came over and essentially robbed me. They took everything, even my own stuff that I'd bought for myself. I didn't call the police because I was frozen and didn't understand what was happening -- I had lived with them for a year after I got kicked out of my own house and I thought of them as my other set of parents. I lived out of my car for a few weeks while I found a new apartment and then finally settled down, met my current partner, bought a cat, and started recovering.

I've been doing okay lately, but recently I had to call the police on my neighbors because of domestic violence in their apartment. They live right above me, so I could hear every single thing that happened. It was awful. Since then, I haven't been sleeping, I've had nightmares and panic attacks, and I've had trouble eating, but it almost feels like my personal relationships have been affected the most. I can't be alone in my house, so I feel horrible when my partner leaves our home, but no matter how hard I try, I can't open my mouth and tell my partner/other people how I'm feeling because I can't trust them. I constantly think I'm "too much" and it's like it physically prevents me from reaching out.

I am very grateful to have found this community and I hope that it can help me accept what happened and learn that it's not "too much" to be affected by the things that I've gone through. I also want to destigmatize my symptoms and just find solace in not being entirely alone. Thank you.

[Kizzie]

Hi pygmybat and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm - glad you found your way to us.

Even though I've been here for 11 years I continue to be shocked, angered and saddened by what members have been through and how it continues to haunt us.  I am really sorry for what you've been through and I hope by being here it will help. For one thing you're with people who understand and will support you and that alone can be healing. It's quite common for us to NOT speak about our trauma so that when we finally do so it can be quite a relief. You may not feel safe enough to tell your partner or others IRL yet, but you can certainly share here as we do get it.

I'm glad to hear you were not so frozen by your neighbours DV you could not react. Calling the police gives you power over something you can't control except by reporting them. I can imagine how much it is affecting you; other people's trauma drills right down inside us sometimes and triggers us sadly. Do you think you'll be able to keep on reporting them if need be? Is a move for you possible if the DV keeps up?  I know this isn't much but my H and I moved from our house into an apartment bldg that is concrete (vs wood), and we don't hear anything at all from our neighbours. A move is a lot I know and you haven't told your partner so it may not be in the cards just yet but something to consider for down the line perhaps.



   

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I am sorry for all that you have been through but glad you have found us. I hope the neighbours DV has been halted by the police report. Well done for finding the courage to make the report.

[Hope67]

Welcome pygmybat