Hello

[ShannonMarie]

Not really sure what to say, but I'll just give it a go.  Thought I had a pretty average to good childhood.  Thought I was just a problem child.  Got into drugs and self-harm around age 12.  Attempted suicide at age 13.  Was sent to a 14-month rehab program at age 16 that basically confirmed I was the problem and taught me to repress all my feelings.  I told them at the time I suspected CSA by my father, but didn't have any concrete memory of it.  They told me it was just "emotional incest," gave me a book, and forced me to have a relationship with him (which meant just sucking it up and accepting the way he treated me) in order to get out of the program.

Got into a very controlling and emotionally abusive relationship at 17 which lasted a year.  Won't go into details, but it really messed with me (to say the least).  After that a string of overlapping relationships with men who were distant.  Chronic infidelity (on my part) for a while.  On and off drug use.  On and off self-injury.  On and off suicidal ideation.  Basically just thinking I was broken.  Hopeless.

Moved around a lot.  Switched jobs a lot.  Dropped in and out of school a lot.  Met my current partner (now husband) in 2017.  We used together, but always felt very close.  In March 2024 we quit smoking weed (was daily use at the time) and stopped using altogether (it had mostly been casual at this point with the other stuff, anyways).  Started fighting Bad.  He started suspecting me of cheating (I had not).  Triggered a lot of trauma from the way my dad treated me and the way my controlling ex treated me.  That's when I started reading about CPTSD (Pete Walker's book first).  I was reading about it because I thought it might apply to my partner, and maybe that was why he was losing it on me.  But I found myself in it.

I confronted my father in a letter in August 2024.  His response was..  A trainwreck.  It really broke the spell of who I had convinced myself he was for years.  I saw him for who he had always been, finally.  I knew when I was a teenager, but I repressed it in rehab to survive.  I no longer have contact with him.  My partner and I found God.  That was a very strange experience as I was pretty much anti-religion my whole life.  I had a lot of misconceptions about God, and spiritual trauma.  Not raised religious or anything, but the rehab pushed it, you know?

Anyways, those are probably the major points.  This past year has been a lot of learning and recovering and growing.  Currently in the process of trying to find a "good enough" therapist, which is..  Surprisingly a lot more difficult than it should be.  My partner and I have made a lot of progress on our relationship, as well.  But there are still some major hurtles.  I'm here because I feel so utterly alone at times.  I don't feel safe with anyone, even the people who I usually consider my supports.  I don't always trust them or feel seen by them.  And I'm just looking to make my world just a little less small.

Excited to learn and grow with all of you.  Happy to be here.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, ShannonMarie

[Hope67]

Hi ShannonMarie,
Welcome 
Hope

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us.